Dear Diary

March 26, 2014

Thank god for Friday.


On Friday night I felt next to no anxiety. It was nearer to heaven than I had felt in a long time, or have felt since.

I have not yet decided where to live next year, and the indecision drags me down. When we visit potential houses, I feel such fear. I’ve been spoilt here in student accommodation. Maybe it will all work out, but I know I won’t have my own toilet and shower, I won’t have my own view of the London skyline. Now I want to go back and start this year again. I’d go to more lectures, I’d get out of my bed more.

It seems like as soon as I get some things sorted out in my mind, other things begin to ripple around me. There are people that I don’t feel perfect around, who bring me down, but I keep reminding myself that IT’S ALL IN MY HEAD. My self-hatred shouts and my body listens, but nobody else can hear. It’s all in my head, but I can’t silence it: I don’t write enough poems, I am not clever enough, I am not going to get top marks. I distance myself from people I thought I loved because I think they like someone else better. I circle around new people, but as soon as I’m used to them the circles get looser.

On Friday night I didn’t feel like dancing, so I stayed up all night in deep conversation with Rob and Charlie, two guys who actually looked me in the eye. But when I told people, “I stayed up all night talking with Rob and Charlie,” they looked at me with pity. No one seemed to understand how great it really was. ♦


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  • Mayne March 26th, 2014 7:10 PM

    Big hand squeezes to Britney and Naomi.
    Thanks again :)


    I’m not sure if you guys have noticed / it’s a specific creative choice, but unless Ruby’s entry is RUBY’S ENTRY it isn’t in her tab. Also, the subheading on the main page might not be displaying correctly. Idk.

    • Anaheed March 26th, 2014 8:31 PM

      Thank you, Mayne! My computer has been fucking up like crazy for the past few days and I haven’t been able to catch all its glitches.

    • Anaheed March 26th, 2014 8:33 PM

      Wait — can you tell me what you’re seeing? Because it’s actually showing up fine for me.

      • Maddy March 26th, 2014 8:58 PM

        Maybe this is it: if you click on Ruby’s name, hardly any articles show up. Actually I’ve noticed this with a LOT of author pages. Especially if it’s a new person, if I click their name, their page says they haven’t written anything yet. My wild guess is that it takes WP some time to catch up with the tagging system or something, but I’ve never checked back in with any one particular page.

        • Maddy March 26th, 2014 9:01 PM

          Oh hmm Caitlin’s the only diarist whose entries show up under her author page (except for one entry from 2012 for Ruby). I’m a webmaster for another site so I’m sort of into this stuff and tech in general :)

          btw Ruby: such a good comeback and it worked!

          • Anaheed March 26th, 2014 9:11 PM

            Ohhhhh I see what you’re talking about. Yeah, we’ve had some big WordPress glitches lately, and the author pages are one of those. We are working on a major overhaul that should resolve these issues soon. Thanks, Maddy!

      • Mayne March 27th, 2014 1:11 AM

        It’s fixed now Anaheed! WordPress must have just been having a big ole lol :)

  • Viaperson March 26th, 2014 8:47 PM

    naomi – i’m searching for housing for next year too. i feel you, girl. good luck on your search — it’s hard to know you’re leaving something sweet but i know in some ways next year will be sweeter for both of us.

    ruby – yes! you go! what a badass move and what a victory. work it girl

    britney – <3 sometimes anger is so cleansing. sending you lots of luck n love.

  • ameliamad March 26th, 2014 8:49 PM

    Naomi and Britney omg i feel like i can relate to your entries so much. Best wishes to you both!

  • 3LL3NH March 26th, 2014 11:55 PM

    Ruby, your voice makes routine things sound like Wes Anderson and come to life amazingly well. I hope you like your job.

  • kittyweasel March 27th, 2014 12:57 AM

    It kind of makes me feel bad that Ruby equated working minimum wage at a fast-food place to pathetic, when it is a very great thing to even have a job. I have always been told that all work is noble and worthwhile. So as long as you are putting yourself out there and making money, please don’t feel pathetic for it, no matter what the occupation.

  • hidith March 27th, 2014 9:52 AM

    go ruby go!

  • Saana V March 27th, 2014 12:43 PM

    britney, i’ve felt much the same lately and i’ve been promising myself that i’ll feel better when i get to do something i /actually/ like. I don’t know about you, of course, i have no idea why you are feeling like that and i’m not sure if i know why i’m feeling like this either. I just hope it passes with sunlight and my life turning a bit less boring next year (if i actually get into the school i want to get sos)

  • lovetherain March 27th, 2014 4:11 PM

    @Ruby When my depression was really bad I spent most of my time feeling scarily apathetic, and it felt worse to me than being sad or mad or any actual emotion. When I started feeling better, one of the first emotions I felt was anger. I’m not saying everyone has the same experience or that you’ll start feeling better, but anger is typically an emotion that changes things, an emotion that people act on. In your past couple entries you’ve seemed like you can’t stand where you are right now and the people around you. So I say embrace the anger! It probably feels shitty, but it can definitely help propel you out of a situation you don’t want to be in anymore. I hope things get better soon! <3