School is where everyone fakes it so real it is beyond fake, and I don’t know how to find reality in other people anymore. Everyone makes me feel worse. I can feel parts of me dying in the pit of my stomach and making everything reek of death. Dead thoughts because they were the wrong things to say, dead feelings because I want to scream and cry sometimes but then it will just prove the point that I never have and never will fully fit in anywhere. No one understands me. I wish this were the product of misplaced angst, but it’s something more than that, something I cannot explain.
I try to talk to people about this. They tell me things like “In your past life, you were very attached to your world, and it’s carried on into this one” that just make me feel even more alone. All I have left right now is music, and even that reminds me that I do not live in a world that accepts me, because it comes from time came before I was even born. I feel in a permanent state of unrest and I wish for/need something to come along to tell me that this feeling won’t last forever.
People and friends at school tell me that I look like I hate everyone. The same people who make me feel the way I do ask me what’s wrong. I am not inherently sad or numb, but I am also so sick of the way things are, of the people around me, of how fake everything is and the fact that people are so fine with it. I think I am alone, in a sense, but everything is too messed up to tell. ♦