Dear Diary

March 12, 2014

Our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up.

Britney

)

School is where everyone fakes it so real it is beyond fake, and I don’t know how to find reality in other people anymore. Everyone makes me feel worse. I can feel parts of me dying in the pit of my stomach and making everything reek of death. Dead thoughts because they were the wrong things to say, dead feelings because I want to scream and cry sometimes but then it will just prove the point that I never have and never will fully fit in anywhere. No one understands me. I wish this were the product of misplaced angst, but it’s something more than that, something I cannot explain.

I try to talk to people about this. They tell me things like “In your past life, you were very attached to your world, and it’s carried on into this one” that just make me feel even more alone. All I have left right now is music, and even that reminds me that I do not live in a world that accepts me, because it comes from time came before I was even born. I feel in a permanent state of unrest and I wish for/need something to come along to tell me that this feeling won’t last forever.

People and friends at school tell me that I look like I hate everyone. The same people who make me feel the way I do ask me what’s wrong. I am not inherently sad or numb, but I am also so sick of the way things are, of the people around me, of how fake everything is and the fact that people are so fine with it. I think I am alone, in a sense, but everything is too messed up to tell. ♦

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13 Comments

  • rookielaura March 12th, 2014 8:20 PM

    Ruby– I’m just getting into Arcade Fire now (waaay too late) and I completely understand where you are coming. Those lyrics are mesmerizing.
    It’s scary to see the world in a completely different way from just a few months earlier… a world just doesn’t seem as magical or easily manipulated with our imaginations. But some of that’s just in our teenage heads. We still have that child-like wonder within us, it just manifests itself in different ways now. Gone are the stuffed animal parties, but now we get to dig deeper and discover ourselves, our tastes, our minds, and have interactions that we’ll remember vividly for years to come.

  • ladyjenna March 12th, 2014 8:26 PM

    OMFG GRAND BUDAPEST I AM DEAD

  • thedresscollector March 12th, 2014 8:40 PM

    love the arcade fire lyrics as an opening

  • doikoon March 12th, 2014 9:45 PM

    You are not alone, Brit.
    Can I call you Brit.
    *rolls eyes and draws easy smile*

    Oh god I hope that didn’t sound sleazy! I imagined more of a Kurt Hummel face.
    And yes I watch glee. I really like their enthusiasm.

    Enter.

  • TessAnnesley March 13th, 2014 1:02 AM

    my darling ruby. i know how you feel. and i promise you, every time your heart darkens, it’s just turning into another colour, one just as beautiful.

  • fanatiquedecafee March 13th, 2014 3:05 AM

    Hey Ruby. I really feel you on those Arcade Fire lyrics. I’ve had ‘Bigger Than Us’ by White Lies stuck in my head irregularly over the past few months. And it’s weird because I first heard the song probably three or four years ago and never listened to it intentionally. I listened to the song all day today and realizes it satisfies parts of me that I can’t identify or explain and it makes me sad yet better if I’m making any sense at all. (I don’t usually comment because I ramble a lot). Anyhow, I’m sixteen too and I feel like I’ve lost all my innocence. I don’t feel like a teenager but instead a hollow shell that’s existed on the earth for sixteen years. Since the beginning of high school things have lost its luster, significance, value. Nothing excites me anymore and I feel like each day is slipping out of my hands because I don’t do anything memorable or fun or exciting and I just feel so stressed and anxious all the time.

  • March 13th, 2014 7:28 AM

    I’m so glad that this current bad mood I’m in is like a world-wide epidemic affecting teenage girls everywhere. Reading about other people feeling as annoyed at the world and life and school as me actually made me feel better – revelling in the current community of annoyance. thank you again Rookie and its lovely contributors for making me feel better xxx

  • Isa Alpad March 13th, 2014 10:19 AM

    Hey Britney :) I recommend the movie “Into the Wild” to you :D

  • rhineland March 13th, 2014 2:54 PM

    I have never felt more connected to anything like what Britney wrote ever before.

  • aichalechat March 13th, 2014 6:56 PM

    Naomi, you just put in words feelings i have been having for a few years and i’d like to thank you for that. it doesn’t make me feel better about them, but they seem to be more real this way. more present.
    You may think that everything is floating by and that you don’t keep a diary anymore, but as you wrote this article i think it proves that you do introspect. and you seem to do it really well.

    thank you
    <3
    bisou

  • canijustgo March 16th, 2014 1:17 PM

    can we all just have a big gathering where we talk about life and our views, bc u guys are the only ones that seem to understand me right now.

  • April 22nd, 2014 9:54 AM

    Britney, you could not have voiced my thoughts in a more eloquent way. I know that feeling of being alone, and I resent people who CLAIM to feel the same way to my face, because nobody ever knows exactly how anyone is feeling. I feel like that’s a byproduct of my resentment that I can’t do away with; if YOU resent me for feeling the same way you do then by all means, feel that way haha. Thank you for acknowledging this aspect of school life and letting me know that I’m not the only one feeling misplaced and that there are real people out there with real feelings with real justification.