Dear Diary

March 12, 2014

Our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up.

Ruby

But now that I’m older
My heart’s colder
And I can see that it’s a lie.

I’m in this weird place where Arcade Fire knows me better than anybody. Even though I’m 16, just a few months ago I would carefully arrange all my stuffed animals on my bed so as not to hurt any of their feelings. I still think of them by their names and have a sense of their distinct personalities.

When I walked home the other night, I pretended I was from a different planet, or a different time. I was full of fake wonder.

Real wonder is no longer part of my life. I’m not a child anymore. In a way, this is something I’ve always wanted, but now that I know I’m grown up, it’s sad. It happened too fast. I’m old and bitter.

At 16 I understand death better than I hoped I ever would. I understand grief and pain more than I wish I did. I did months ago, too, but only now has the last bit of innocence managed to escape. The world looks almost completely dark.

Our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up.

I’ve gained weight and don’t have the body of a child anymore. I was skinny and boyish-looking less than a year ago.

My heart is darker now. For years it’s been hardening and now it’s finished. ♦

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13 Comments

  • rookielaura March 12th, 2014 8:20 PM

    Ruby– I’m just getting into Arcade Fire now (waaay too late) and I completely understand where you are coming. Those lyrics are mesmerizing.
    It’s scary to see the world in a completely different way from just a few months earlier… a world just doesn’t seem as magical or easily manipulated with our imaginations. But some of that’s just in our teenage heads. We still have that child-like wonder within us, it just manifests itself in different ways now. Gone are the stuffed animal parties, but now we get to dig deeper and discover ourselves, our tastes, our minds, and have interactions that we’ll remember vividly for years to come.

  • ladyjenna March 12th, 2014 8:26 PM

    OMFG GRAND BUDAPEST I AM DEAD

  • thedresscollector March 12th, 2014 8:40 PM

    love the arcade fire lyrics as an opening

  • doikoon March 12th, 2014 9:45 PM

    You are not alone, Brit.
    Can I call you Brit.
    *rolls eyes and draws easy smile*

    Oh god I hope that didn’t sound sleazy! I imagined more of a Kurt Hummel face.
    And yes I watch glee. I really like their enthusiasm.

    Enter.

  • TessAnnesley March 13th, 2014 1:02 AM

    my darling ruby. i know how you feel. and i promise you, every time your heart darkens, it’s just turning into another colour, one just as beautiful.

  • fanatiquedecafee March 13th, 2014 3:05 AM

    Hey Ruby. I really feel you on those Arcade Fire lyrics. I’ve had ‘Bigger Than Us’ by White Lies stuck in my head irregularly over the past few months. And it’s weird because I first heard the song probably three or four years ago and never listened to it intentionally. I listened to the song all day today and realizes it satisfies parts of me that I can’t identify or explain and it makes me sad yet better if I’m making any sense at all. (I don’t usually comment because I ramble a lot). Anyhow, I’m sixteen too and I feel like I’ve lost all my innocence. I don’t feel like a teenager but instead a hollow shell that’s existed on the earth for sixteen years. Since the beginning of high school things have lost its luster, significance, value. Nothing excites me anymore and I feel like each day is slipping out of my hands because I don’t do anything memorable or fun or exciting and I just feel so stressed and anxious all the time.

  • March 13th, 2014 7:28 AM

    I’m so glad that this current bad mood I’m in is like a world-wide epidemic affecting teenage girls everywhere. Reading about other people feeling as annoyed at the world and life and school as me actually made me feel better – revelling in the current community of annoyance. thank you again Rookie and its lovely contributors for making me feel better xxx

  • Isa Alpad March 13th, 2014 10:19 AM

    Hey Britney :) I recommend the movie “Into the Wild” to you :D

  • rhineland March 13th, 2014 2:54 PM

    I have never felt more connected to anything like what Britney wrote ever before.

  • aichalechat March 13th, 2014 6:56 PM

    Naomi, you just put in words feelings i have been having for a few years and i’d like to thank you for that. it doesn’t make me feel better about them, but they seem to be more real this way. more present.
    You may think that everything is floating by and that you don’t keep a diary anymore, but as you wrote this article i think it proves that you do introspect. and you seem to do it really well.

    thank you
    <3
    bisou

  • canijustgo March 16th, 2014 1:17 PM

    can we all just have a big gathering where we talk about life and our views, bc u guys are the only ones that seem to understand me right now.

  • April 22nd, 2014 9:54 AM

    Britney, you could not have voiced my thoughts in a more eloquent way. I know that feeling of being alone, and I resent people who CLAIM to feel the same way to my face, because nobody ever knows exactly how anyone is feeling. I feel like that’s a byproduct of my resentment that I can’t do away with; if YOU resent me for feeling the same way you do then by all means, feel that way haha. Thank you for acknowledging this aspect of school life and letting me know that I’m not the only one feeling misplaced and that there are real people out there with real feelings with real justification.