Dear Diary

March 12, 2014

Our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up.


Grasping the idea of impermanence. When Christmas was frosty and full of warm light but dark evenings I thought it would last forever. I was a child, it was magic. But nothing lasts forever, not even the greatest things. It ended when I shed tears onto his legs and he wouldn’t stop blowing his nose because of a cold. Tissue thrown over my shoulder, bodies flawed, not as pure. I was scared. Fear is one thing that seems permanent.

Introspection doesn’t last long—a day, a few hours perhaps, rather than weeks. People are my diaries. I tell multiple people a feeling, an event, a thought, and it warps with each telling like a myth, and then it doesn’t feel real anymore when I go to write it down. No wonder people question mythology when it is passed around. I am Penelope and Helen, I am my own myth. When drunk people stumble and tell me how cool I am, my brow furrows because I am not just the myth, I am every second of the clock. I even feel time move when I sleep.

The trains keep rattling and it feels like they always will. Every thought rattles through my head: every character here, every face, all information, every photo that I scroll through again and again to reassure myself that my own image has been broadcast. I need proof of my existence, especially when I wake up with the numbing behind my eyes, the pain in my chest, the weight of my body, when I feel like I could just disappear into the breeze that throws my hair into my face and I am embarrassed by my hair and I am embarrassed by my face.

But I remember that every person’s action I receive, compute, and develop, is a reflection of each person’s self. They are selfish just like me, it turns out. Their own image is the one that concerns them; they scroll through other people’s photos only when a crush compels them to extend their consciousness beyond themselves. I have done nothing wrong.

I am a myth, not fully realised. I can never view myself from the outside. I cannot write the way other people will see me, how they will act. I can trust the right people and climb into bed with them at two in the morning. Two doors down from my myth cave, where all introspection takes place and my books remain unread. ♦


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  • rookielaura March 12th, 2014 8:20 PM

    Ruby– I’m just getting into Arcade Fire now (waaay too late) and I completely understand where you are coming. Those lyrics are mesmerizing.
    It’s scary to see the world in a completely different way from just a few months earlier… a world just doesn’t seem as magical or easily manipulated with our imaginations. But some of that’s just in our teenage heads. We still have that child-like wonder within us, it just manifests itself in different ways now. Gone are the stuffed animal parties, but now we get to dig deeper and discover ourselves, our tastes, our minds, and have interactions that we’ll remember vividly for years to come.

  • ladyjenna March 12th, 2014 8:26 PM


  • thedresscollector March 12th, 2014 8:40 PM

    love the arcade fire lyrics as an opening

  • doikoon March 12th, 2014 9:45 PM

    You are not alone, Brit.
    Can I call you Brit.
    *rolls eyes and draws easy smile*

    Oh god I hope that didn’t sound sleazy! I imagined more of a Kurt Hummel face.
    And yes I watch glee. I really like their enthusiasm.


  • TessAnnesley March 13th, 2014 1:02 AM

    my darling ruby. i know how you feel. and i promise you, every time your heart darkens, it’s just turning into another colour, one just as beautiful.

  • fanatiquedecafee March 13th, 2014 3:05 AM

    Hey Ruby. I really feel you on those Arcade Fire lyrics. I’ve had ‘Bigger Than Us’ by White Lies stuck in my head irregularly over the past few months. And it’s weird because I first heard the song probably three or four years ago and never listened to it intentionally. I listened to the song all day today and realizes it satisfies parts of me that I can’t identify or explain and it makes me sad yet better if I’m making any sense at all. (I don’t usually comment because I ramble a lot). Anyhow, I’m sixteen too and I feel like I’ve lost all my innocence. I don’t feel like a teenager but instead a hollow shell that’s existed on the earth for sixteen years. Since the beginning of high school things have lost its luster, significance, value. Nothing excites me anymore and I feel like each day is slipping out of my hands because I don’t do anything memorable or fun or exciting and I just feel so stressed and anxious all the time.

  • March 13th, 2014 7:28 AM

    I’m so glad that this current bad mood I’m in is like a world-wide epidemic affecting teenage girls everywhere. Reading about other people feeling as annoyed at the world and life and school as me actually made me feel better – revelling in the current community of annoyance. thank you again Rookie and its lovely contributors for making me feel better xxx

  • Isa Alpad March 13th, 2014 10:19 AM

    Hey Britney :) I recommend the movie “Into the Wild” to you :D

  • rhineland March 13th, 2014 2:54 PM

    I have never felt more connected to anything like what Britney wrote ever before.

  • aichalechat March 13th, 2014 6:56 PM

    Naomi, you just put in words feelings i have been having for a few years and i’d like to thank you for that. it doesn’t make me feel better about them, but they seem to be more real this way. more present.
    You may think that everything is floating by and that you don’t keep a diary anymore, but as you wrote this article i think it proves that you do introspect. and you seem to do it really well.

    thank you

  • canijustgo March 16th, 2014 1:17 PM

    can we all just have a big gathering where we talk about life and our views, bc u guys are the only ones that seem to understand me right now.

  • April 22nd, 2014 9:54 AM

    Britney, you could not have voiced my thoughts in a more eloquent way. I know that feeling of being alone, and I resent people who CLAIM to feel the same way to my face, because nobody ever knows exactly how anyone is feeling. I feel like that’s a byproduct of my resentment that I can’t do away with; if YOU resent me for feeling the same way you do then by all means, feel that way haha. Thank you for acknowledging this aspect of school life and letting me know that I’m not the only one feeling misplaced and that there are real people out there with real feelings with real justification.