Dear Diary

February 5, 2014

Boys and other discontents.


Erica had been up since early morning and was sprawled out on my bed. I read her her horoscope and thought how much this was what I had always wanted. I always wanted a friend to not have to speak with all the time, to close our eyes in each other’s beds and speak nonsense and not really do anything, but be something nevertheless. My energy in that moment contradicted hers, but even when we aren’t in the same place, we somehow manage to meet in the middle.

The weekend was weird. I spent an anxious afternoon in bed not eating, reading up on unsolved mysteries and UFOs and the Texas Killing Fields and then the world felt broader and beyond here. I was oddly dedicated to pages and pages of meticulous description of the disappearance of a German family in Death Valley. I guess the mystery was partly solved, but the photo of a lone wine bottle in the desert or that empty rental car sunken into the sand gave me a grasp of what reasonable fear feels like, of how defenceless we are as humans, and a deeper feeling that I can’t really explain. Deeper than I usually like to dwell.

Getting over him is like having an itch I can’t scratch. The answer to everything is there in my head, swallowed by how I can’t hate him, I am not allowed to, my friends can’t take sides. And how he calls me beautiful in dingy fast food places and how he lifted me onto the counter and kissed me in the street in the dingy rain. Drunk kisses. Dingy kisses? But, oh my god, they are not dingy, they are far from—they are like clean little envelopes. But what is enclosed is different for both of us.

That night was just me, him, and Holly. Holly, usually affectionately cautious, found us “sweet.”

The situation is stuck, he is stuck. I cannot change those things. The only thing I can change is me. But I don’t know how and I don’t know if I really want to. ♦


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  • UnconventionalPsyche February 5th, 2014 7:13 PM

    Britney’s entry speaks to me on a spiritual level ~.~
    So nice to empathize

  • Big Red Soda February 5th, 2014 7:13 PM

    Frankly, Naomi… That was the most poetic diary entry I ever read, you got soul!

    • Big Red Soda February 5th, 2014 7:16 PM

      Also Ruby, love this weeks diary. Y’all are such wonderful storytellers.

  • taratwinkle February 5th, 2014 8:35 PM

    Ruby, I loved that! So simple, yet so much depth.

  • Chorvelynne February 5th, 2014 9:23 PM

    This is so right on time! ughh! Rookie! You make me!

  • die_mad February 5th, 2014 10:07 PM

    there was a mini epic love story in ruby’s entry

  • Claudia February 5th, 2014 11:06 PM

    I totally get the everything ending up boring me thing, Brittany

  • la fee clochette February 5th, 2014 11:26 PM

    Love Nick Cave. And great post, Ruby.

  • skyewriter February 6th, 2014 2:50 AM

    Naomi, the last paragraph of your entry absolutely spoke to me and everything just clicked… it was what I needed to hear. Beautifully written.

  • julalondon February 6th, 2014 5:15 AM

    I am completely in love with all you guys!!

  • Dino February 6th, 2014 6:56 AM

    Ruby, your entry hit something inside of me – my boyfriend just recently broke up with me because he doesn’t want a long-distance relationship…. I feel like that man in the coffee shop: “I’m in love with [him]. [He's] such a beautiful person.”

  • mangointhesky February 6th, 2014 7:20 AM

    RUBY!!!!! Yours was so perfect.

  • Ninissa February 6th, 2014 10:52 AM

    just perfect ! j adore , c’est poétique et abstrait !

  • spitcurl February 6th, 2014 1:12 PM

    Ruby- super into this entry, so glad to be reading from you again.

  • Tiana February 6th, 2014 7:20 PM

    Wow I absolutely loved ruby and Brittneys entry, absolutely amazing!
    Tiana x

  • aaaannnnaaaaaaa February 7th, 2014 5:30 AM

    lovely entry as ever, ruby x

  • Pelin February 8th, 2014 1:21 PM

    ruby ruBY RUBY you give me life and I’m so grateful for your writing, it literally feels like god

  • Wallis Kate February 14th, 2014 7:01 PM

    Ruby you are such an incredible writer I’m amazed at how good you are.