I used to think that internalizing everything was the way to live, that it was a shortcut through life that cleanly avoided a path of suffering. It has become a habit, one that comes as easily as biting my nails or running my hand through my hair every few seconds. I didn’t realize that all it did was speed up my decline as self-reflection became self-scrutiny, which begat self-hatred, which led me to find ways to run away from everyone around me and from myself. Now, this self-hatred is all I have left. I have no real interests anymore. I have lost interest in everything I loved doing in the past. Anything I do now is something I have to do (e.g., school) or something I do just so I feel less like I am wasting away. I have no real plans. I am tired all the time.
I need help to help myself, but I’ve forgotten how to ask for it because my whole life has become waiting. ♦