Dear Diary

February 26, 2014

High tides, low ebbs.


I used to think that internalizing everything was the way to live, that it was a shortcut through life that cleanly avoided a path of suffering. It has become a habit, one that comes as easily as biting my nails or running my hand through my hair every few seconds. I didn’t realize that all it did was speed up my decline as self-reflection became self-scrutiny, which begat self-hatred, which led me to find ways to run away from everyone around me and from myself. Now, this self-hatred is all I have left. I have no real interests anymore. I have lost interest in everything I loved doing in the past. Anything I do now is something I have to do (e.g., school) or something I do just so I feel less like I am wasting away. I have no real plans. I am tired all the time.

I need help to help myself, but I’ve forgotten how to ask for it because my whole life has become waiting. ♦


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  • K8 is Gr8 February 26th, 2014 7:44 PM

    Ruby, your diaries have a special spot in my heart. I love the idea of the pre-made compliments… that should be a rookie project!

  • LikeWinterRain February 26th, 2014 7:46 PM

    Britney- Your words express everything I have been feeling. Right down to the nail biting and the running hands through your hair every few seconds.

  • liv w February 26th, 2014 7:57 PM

    Ruby, i’m so so so happy for you! reading your diary made me feel like i think you must feel. i hope it lasts a long while for us both. :)))

  • flapperhatgirl February 26th, 2014 8:31 PM

    Ruby, I’m so happy that you’re so happy :)
    I’ve been pretty stressed lately, maybe I just need to spread some happiness around.

  • Maddy February 26th, 2014 8:57 PM

    Ahh Ruby I do that too. I make baked goods from scratch and give them out and then write anonymous compliments on a particular website. I usually only remember to do it when I’m in a genuinely good mood, though. But it definitely helps.

  • February 26th, 2014 10:01 PM

    Naomi- I love how you describe getting on the Underground. Jealous. Although I live in MT, I have loved my experiences on the L and Uhbahn. Such an amazing part of life.

    My new favorite thing to make myself feel better in the ebbs: a cup of tea, honey face mask, and bright nailpolish.

  • sloththefifth February 26th, 2014 10:15 PM

    Naomi, I’ve always felt a special draw towards your diary entries and this week felt like neon yellow exclamation marks were pouring out of my heart and embarking on a transatlantic journey to you. (that metaphor got lost somewhere in the middle but it is still pretty accurate so I’m keeping it.) I’m going to college next year and feeling mostly terrified. This entry reminded me that maybe I’m allowed to move to a new city and fall in love with it. But also, sometimes I’m allowed to be tired of it and curl up in bed. Thank you. I hope London stays magical even when you’re tired xo

  • soviet_kitsch February 26th, 2014 11:08 PM

    yessss ruby i love doing sweet things for people. being nice to people feels excellent, like i’m the grinch when his heart starts growing.

  • ColoredSoft February 27th, 2014 12:12 AM

    Britney, girl, reach out to someone and talk, open up yourself. You can do this, you’ll be okay <3

  • strawberryhair February 27th, 2014 1:48 AM

    That is such a lovely idea, Ruby! I’m so glad that you’re feeling good :) <3 xx

  • Halina Romaniszyn February 27th, 2014 2:53 AM

    Naomi and Britney, you captured exactly how I am feeling so skilfully. Its so comforting to see those emotions from another person’s perspective and in such beautiful writing. I hope, Ruby, that I can soon become as positive as you. Your writing is so wonderful because it is so engaging and paints such a tangible picture.

  • TessAnnesley February 27th, 2014 7:28 AM

    Ruby’s entry is so like me when I was having trouble with depression, YAYAYAYAY RUBY FOR FINDING SOMETHING THAT WORKS SO WELL FOR YOU

  • smaragda February 28th, 2014 12:08 PM

    Naomi – that made me cry. I used to live in London, and after a recent trip to visit I feel like I’m in the wrong place where I live now. It’s nice to see other people fall in love with cities, and your diary entry gave me an opportunity to spill all the nostalgia that was still left inside me. xxxx

  • julalondon February 28th, 2014 12:38 PM

    Naomi, your diary entry made me tear up because I used to live in London but had to move away. I miss living in this city so much and I am really unhappy with my life right now. I am thinking whether I should quit Uni and just move back or not. I am so confused right now because I don’t know what to do with my life and your writing just made me miss London and my life there so much.