Dear Diary

February 26, 2014

High tides, low ebbs.

Ruby

I woke up with a new idea.

I am bitter about my unhappiness. I am cynical and sarcastic and a little mean. I’m not evil, but I’m not a nice person. I don’t care about animals really, I don’t smile at strangers, I’m constantly irritable.

I jump from the couch. My friend L has been having panic attacks and a hard time in general at school, and sometimes he sneaks off to the public library to see me during the school day. So I write little notes—Have a great day, L! I love you! or I know this is tough, but be strong, you can do it!—and put cute little stickers on them, and stick them all throughout his books where he’ll find them.

That feels good.

It’s my friend’s birthday. I’ll make him a card. In fact, I’ll make everyone an unbirthday card about how great they are and how much I appreciate them. Handwritten and decorated cards, bursting with puns, have been passed around.

That feels really good.

I buy flowers and give them to strangers on the street, to my tutor, to my therapist, to the librarian.

I make biscuits from scratch as a thank-you for my boyfriend’s mother because she always lets me stay for dinner or stick around at night when I know how much she values family time. I write her a letter, too. I love your family. Thank you for giving me a home away from home.

I smile at people and listen to people talk. I try not to be as overbearing as I usually am, and be a good listener.

I make and decorate little cards that say things like You have a great smile, pass this on to someone else who has a great smile! In fact, I make about 30 variations, and pass them around. An endless cycle of pre-made compliments.

All of this feels so wholesome and I am beginning to love myself.

I love this.

I’ve found a key to happiness. Feeding off of that of others, like the most benevolent parasite. ♦

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14 Comments

  • K8 is Gr8 February 26th, 2014 7:44 PM

    Ruby, your diaries have a special spot in my heart. I love the idea of the pre-made compliments… that should be a rookie project!

  • LikeWinterRain February 26th, 2014 7:46 PM

    Britney- Your words express everything I have been feeling. Right down to the nail biting and the running hands through your hair every few seconds.

  • liv w February 26th, 2014 7:57 PM

    Ruby, i’m so so so happy for you! reading your diary made me feel like i think you must feel. i hope it lasts a long while for us both. :)))

  • flapperhatgirl February 26th, 2014 8:31 PM

    Ruby, I’m so happy that you’re so happy :)
    I’ve been pretty stressed lately, maybe I just need to spread some happiness around.

  • Maddy February 26th, 2014 8:57 PM

    Ahh Ruby I do that too. I make baked goods from scratch and give them out and then write anonymous compliments on a particular website. I usually only remember to do it when I’m in a genuinely good mood, though. But it definitely helps.

  • peace.love.music.grows February 26th, 2014 10:01 PM

    Naomi- I love how you describe getting on the Underground. Jealous. Although I live in MT, I have loved my experiences on the L and Uhbahn. Such an amazing part of life.

    My new favorite thing to make myself feel better in the ebbs: a cup of tea, honey face mask, and bright nailpolish.

    http://www.peacelovemusicgrows.com

  • sloththefifth February 26th, 2014 10:15 PM

    Naomi, I’ve always felt a special draw towards your diary entries and this week felt like neon yellow exclamation marks were pouring out of my heart and embarking on a transatlantic journey to you. (that metaphor got lost somewhere in the middle but it is still pretty accurate so I’m keeping it.) I’m going to college next year and feeling mostly terrified. This entry reminded me that maybe I’m allowed to move to a new city and fall in love with it. But also, sometimes I’m allowed to be tired of it and curl up in bed. Thank you. I hope London stays magical even when you’re tired xo

  • soviet_kitsch February 26th, 2014 11:08 PM

    yessss ruby i love doing sweet things for people. being nice to people feels excellent, like i’m the grinch when his heart starts growing.

  • ColoredSoft February 27th, 2014 12:12 AM

    Britney, girl, reach out to someone and talk, open up yourself. You can do this, you’ll be okay <3

  • strawberryhair February 27th, 2014 1:48 AM

    That is such a lovely idea, Ruby! I’m so glad that you’re feeling good :) <3 xx

  • Halina Romaniszyn February 27th, 2014 2:53 AM

    Naomi and Britney, you captured exactly how I am feeling so skilfully. Its so comforting to see those emotions from another person’s perspective and in such beautiful writing. I hope, Ruby, that I can soon become as positive as you. Your writing is so wonderful because it is so engaging and paints such a tangible picture.

  • TessAnnesley February 27th, 2014 7:28 AM

    Ruby’s entry is so like me when I was having trouble with depression, YAYAYAYAY RUBY FOR FINDING SOMETHING THAT WORKS SO WELL FOR YOU

  • smaragda February 28th, 2014 12:08 PM

    Naomi – that made me cry. I used to live in London, and after a recent trip to visit I feel like I’m in the wrong place where I live now. It’s nice to see other people fall in love with cities, and your diary entry gave me an opportunity to spill all the nostalgia that was still left inside me. xxxx

  • julalondon February 28th, 2014 12:38 PM

    Naomi, your diary entry made me tear up because I used to live in London but had to move away. I miss living in this city so much and I am really unhappy with my life right now. I am thinking whether I should quit Uni and just move back or not. I am so confused right now because I don’t know what to do with my life and your writing just made me miss London and my life there so much.