Dear Diary

February 26, 2014

High tides, low ebbs.

Naomi

I am not going to be able to explain how I feel when I don’t understand it myself, but I will try. Sometimes, even when I’m doing something fun, I am doing it with gritted teeth. It’s like being constantly tired. But that’s when I am in a low ebb and, I tell myself, I am allowed to have low ebbs. Just because I have friends and I live in my favourite city and I get on pretty well with myself, doesn’t mean I can’t have a low ebb. And low ebbs involve waking up with a weight on my chest and not really knowing why. And feeling a fundamental loneliness late at night even though I have friends I would trust with my life.

***

I wrote that bit in the library, and when I typed “I live in my favourite city,” I was reminded that I live in my favourite city! So, fuck the essay I was working on, I split.

Just getting on the Underground calms me down. No matter what I’m doing or wearing, even when I’m returning to school from home and am weighed down with luggage, no one gives me so much as a second look. Or perhaps they do, sneakily, like I look at them. Once I wrote about how I was able to close my eyes at church and not be bothered or self-conscious about anyone looking at me or wondering what I was doing. The tube is the place I pray without thinking.

I walk from the station to student halls, through the places that used to be so new a few months ago but now I feel I could make my way around with my eyes closed. I like new things—the fact that I know this place so well now, so soon, tells me convinced that I will be a probably be a nomad when university is over, always moving to where even the people are new.

But that’s a depressing thought, me getting bored of places and things and people. I so desperately don’t want that to happen. New things challenge me and hurt me in good ways. Old things let me fester. I keep on thinking back to this time last year, when my mental health was showing signs of deteriorating and I so desperately don’t want that to happen again.

I remember when someone commented on one of my diaries with the quote “to tire of London is to tire of life,” and I thought of it while walking ’round, my phone dead, only my trusty Oyster card in my coat pocket. I thought about how I get to decide what is or isn’t tiring to me, and that I am allowed to tire of life sometimes.

Getting on the London tube though, and walking through Westminster, stepping through old buildings, staring at paintings and them staring back at me—that usually makes me feel better. ♦

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14 Comments

  • K8 is Gr8 February 26th, 2014 7:44 PM

    Ruby, your diaries have a special spot in my heart. I love the idea of the pre-made compliments… that should be a rookie project!

  • LikeWinterRain February 26th, 2014 7:46 PM

    Britney- Your words express everything I have been feeling. Right down to the nail biting and the running hands through your hair every few seconds.

  • Olivia Whitaker February 26th, 2014 7:57 PM

    Ruby, i’m so so so happy for you! reading your diary made me feel like i think you must feel. i hope it lasts a long while for us both. :)))

  • flapperhatgirl February 26th, 2014 8:31 PM

    Ruby, I’m so happy that you’re so happy :)
    I’ve been pretty stressed lately, maybe I just need to spread some happiness around.

  • Maddy February 26th, 2014 8:57 PM

    Ahh Ruby I do that too. I make baked goods from scratch and give them out and then write anonymous compliments on a particular website. I usually only remember to do it when I’m in a genuinely good mood, though. But it definitely helps.

  • peace.love.music.grows February 26th, 2014 10:01 PM

    Naomi- I love how you describe getting on the Underground. Jealous. Although I live in MT, I have loved my experiences on the L and Uhbahn. Such an amazing part of life.

    My new favorite thing to make myself feel better in the ebbs: a cup of tea, honey face mask, and bright nailpolish.

    http://www.peacelovemusicgrows.com

  • sloththefifth February 26th, 2014 10:15 PM

    Naomi, I’ve always felt a special draw towards your diary entries and this week felt like neon yellow exclamation marks were pouring out of my heart and embarking on a transatlantic journey to you. (that metaphor got lost somewhere in the middle but it is still pretty accurate so I’m keeping it.) I’m going to college next year and feeling mostly terrified. This entry reminded me that maybe I’m allowed to move to a new city and fall in love with it. But also, sometimes I’m allowed to be tired of it and curl up in bed. Thank you. I hope London stays magical even when you’re tired xo

  • soviet_kitsch February 26th, 2014 11:08 PM

    yessss ruby i love doing sweet things for people. being nice to people feels excellent, like i’m the grinch when his heart starts growing.

  • ColoredSoft February 27th, 2014 12:12 AM

    Britney, girl, reach out to someone and talk, open up yourself. You can do this, you’ll be okay <3

  • strawberryhair February 27th, 2014 1:48 AM

    That is such a lovely idea, Ruby! I’m so glad that you’re feeling good :) <3 xx

  • Halina Romaniszyn February 27th, 2014 2:53 AM

    Naomi and Britney, you captured exactly how I am feeling so skilfully. Its so comforting to see those emotions from another person’s perspective and in such beautiful writing. I hope, Ruby, that I can soon become as positive as you. Your writing is so wonderful because it is so engaging and paints such a tangible picture.

  • TessAnnesley February 27th, 2014 7:28 AM

    Ruby’s entry is so like me when I was having trouble with depression, YAYAYAYAY RUBY FOR FINDING SOMETHING THAT WORKS SO WELL FOR YOU

  • smaragda February 28th, 2014 12:08 PM

    Naomi – that made me cry. I used to live in London, and after a recent trip to visit I feel like I’m in the wrong place where I live now. It’s nice to see other people fall in love with cities, and your diary entry gave me an opportunity to spill all the nostalgia that was still left inside me. xxxx

  • julalondon February 28th, 2014 12:38 PM

    Naomi, your diary entry made me tear up because I used to live in London but had to move away. I miss living in this city so much and I am really unhappy with my life right now. I am thinking whether I should quit Uni and just move back or not. I am so confused right now because I don’t know what to do with my life and your writing just made me miss London and my life there so much.

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