Dear Diary

January 29, 2014

What we talk about when we talk about talking about people.


This week I went to Clapham to see my auntie for the first time since starting uni. It’s only five miles from London, but it takes an hour to get there on public transport. I’d like to go there more often. I’d like to go to her house and just lie down and not speak and just look at the knickknacks that fill every wall and every corner and let Ruby the cat sit on me and I wouldn’t have to say or do anything. I could just exist. I wish I could just happily lie there in my auntie’s presence and know that we are connected through flesh and blood, a connection that can’t be denied.

Brushing my teeth the other day, I thought about all of the conversations I’ve ever had with people, about people. Not gossiping, but really trying to figure out why people act as they do. To find some common factor in my experience with a certain person and someone else’s, and deciding that this must be a permanent part of that person’s personality. Does every person deserve to be thusly figured out? I used to think I was the only person with so many “flaws,” but now I realise that a lot of people do. How deluded I was, and how self-centred, to imagine that I bore all of the problems of the world.

We are forgiving. We find faults in one another and we forgive them—but only to a certain extent. I sobbed in the hallway on Friday night, stressed by my brother’s drunkenness, with Jay on my left and Erica on my right, and I said “fuck you” to the boy directly as he was leaving our flat, because I was giving up trying. No more trying.

As I finished brushing my teeth I wondered about the ways in which people might discuss and find fault in me. They are totally within their right to. I thought of the ways in which I am not a great person and how I am aware and how being aware is the first step. I made a note of how I should really visit my auntie more. ♦


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  • StellaBerlin January 29th, 2014 7:13 PM


    • o-girl January 29th, 2014 9:00 PM

      this child here (stellaberlin) read ruby’s/your entry aloud 2 me via the phone and we FEEL SO HAPPY 4 U

  • Alia. January 29th, 2014 7:31 PM

    Britney it’s like if you’re a happy, balanced teenager that doesnt go out risk-taking and defying the power and sneaking out and smoking pot and being angry then there’s something wrong with you.
    What’s wrong with being happy

  • Alia. January 29th, 2014 7:43 PM

    Even on this site sometimes I see constant anger and hatred and angst. Even though this anger is completely acceptable and understandable, I find myself to be a more pessimistic and hateful person in terms of my feminist values after joining Rookie.

    Sometimes you just have to step back and breathe and know that beautiful things can be created from happiness, not anger and hatred.

    I love the Rookie community and the support and kindness that everybody shares and I agree with its principles, but I think more anger only hurts everybody in the end.

    • paige.xo January 29th, 2014 8:34 PM

      i completely disagree. yeah there is a lot of angst, but we are teenagers and that is what we relate to. maybe its just because a lot of other feminist sites feel exclusive, or patronizing toward my demographic, but i think that rookie consistently offers a more optimistic outlook. i find the content empowering and think that if anything, rookie has made me a nicer, more aware person.

    • o-girl January 29th, 2014 9:06 PM

      there’s nothing wrong with being happy (and i feel like there’s SO MUCH appreciation 4 the beautiful things on here, honestly), but inevitably as a teenager you will be frustrated and angsty and rookie lets you know that you will survive that/there are beautiful things/your anger is valid. like what i feel like britney is saying is that when anger consumes you and you have no ability to seek out the great things without being reminded of all that you’re angry about, that’s when it gets dull. you don’t want to spend all the time being angry as a default because it’s not really productive/doing anything for anybody except sorta wasting your time. anger isn’t, like, “the answer” but it’s something that as a teen u can’t really prevent feeling @ times.

  • actressgirl January 29th, 2014 7:57 PM

    That’s awesome Ruby

  • soviet_kitsch January 29th, 2014 8:10 PM

    rubyyyy i’m so happy for you <3

  • mangointhesky January 29th, 2014 8:15 PM

    And ruby, I’m so happy for you!

  • Chloe22 January 29th, 2014 8:55 PM

    There’s always been a special place in my heart for your diary entries, Ruby, and it honestly made my day better knowing your happier. Your incredible, quite honestly. I have my own troubles with my thoughts (i have extreme anxiety with germs and constantly am down on my self), but your happy through all your much bigger troubles, and that makes you pretty rad. Lotsa Love!

  • dobby_is_my_hero January 29th, 2014 9:02 PM

    tiny baby trigger warning for eating disorders a lil bit in here fyi…
    Ruby and Britney- I’m getting such positive vibes from these entries. Thank you for reminding me that cynicism does not make me better it just makes me sad. The past few days I’ve been trying so hard to revert back to who I was a year ago, isolating myself from people and from food and just going through the motions hating everything and shrinking and finding solace in self-loathing. But that’s so silly and unproductive and I don’t deserve it and you don’t deserve it no one deserves it !!

    Naomi- I feel those whoa-people’s-perception-and-discussion-of-other-people-whoooaaa feels.

  • emseely January 29th, 2014 9:04 PM

    ruby, this made me so happy. i can relate to your previous struggles and i hope one day i can relate to your euphoria.

  • honorarygilmoregal January 29th, 2014 9:18 PM

    Oh Ruby, I’m happy that you’re happy <3

  • vvk97 January 29th, 2014 9:20 PM

    Totally feel that Britney <3

  • Milala January 29th, 2014 9:53 PM

    Ruby! I’m so happy for you, girl! Being in love is so awesome.

  • devonlea January 29th, 2014 9:55 PM

    Ruby! My heart is swelling, my smile is growing, and what is this water in my eyes? xx

  • magenta04 January 29th, 2014 10:12 PM

    “I’d like to go to her house and just lie down and not speak and just look at the knickknacks that fill every wall and every corner and let Ruby the cat sit on me and I wouldn’t have to say or do anything. I could just exist.”

    Naomi, i am in love with this.

  • Moonshoes January 29th, 2014 11:15 PM

    Ruby’s entry honestly just made my heart light up with so much joy. Reading these things that make me so happy are why I have loved Rookie for so long

  • thisismyawesomeusername January 30th, 2014 12:06 AM

    RUBY. I don’t know if you read these comments, but I hope that you do, because I have something IMPORTANT to tell you!

    I’ve been reading Rookie literally every single day for the past two years, and this is the first time that I’ve ever commented on anything (so this is a Big Deal).

    Your diary entries are probably my favourite thing on Rookie — I look forward to them every week. I just wanted to let you know that I think that you are an incredibly awesome person and writer. Your piece today literally made me so happy. I am so so so glad that you’re doing well, and your guy sounds lovely :)

    Please keep being amazing forever and ever and ever. You have such a talent with words, and I feel so lucky that I get to read your writing every week.

    On a scale of 1 to Fantastic, you’re, like, Fantastic x 500. Thank you so much for giving us these weekly glimpses into your life.

  • loopdeshor January 30th, 2014 12:07 AM

    this has nothing to do with anything but i found this website that i think everyone will love. it contains shows, commercials news etc from the 90′s, in the shape of a tv. it only works for desktop though

  • julalondon January 30th, 2014 3:37 AM

    Ruby; i am so so so so so SO happy for you!!!=)

  • madeofamethyst January 30th, 2014 6:19 AM

    Aww Ruby, this made me so happy for you! <3

  • Kiana Kimberly Flores January 30th, 2014 7:03 AM

    Oh, my gosh. Ruby, my heart is warmed right now. There’s just so much real feels now. I am happy because you are happy, Ruby. :)

  • sonnentanz January 30th, 2014 7:56 AM

    I am seriously so happy because of your great news!! stay rad my dear <3

  • Sonya January 30th, 2014 2:33 PM

    Britney, your words really makes sense to me, and I feel very much the same. Once I started to feel like it´s ok to not have the most dramatic life, things got more comfortable. xx

  • unicornconnect January 31st, 2014 6:00 AM

    ruby ruby ruby hooray hurrah !!!!!!!

  • dandelions January 31st, 2014 1:16 PM

    RUBY I know what you mean, I’m so so happy for you!