Dear Diary

January 1, 2014

Winter Breakdown


I am flipping through all the pages of my journal like I’m looking for something, but what that is I don’t know. It feels as though something is missing that no amount of searching will find. This scares me. I am afraid that I will never be able to accurately describe in writing what life really is to me, even in this private forum, where I have no constraints or obligations.

When I was younger, I would just write down what was happening to me, and that was enough. But it isn’t anymore. Now I want to capture everything, but I always miss something—what the sound of someone’s laugh really means, how someone’s voice can give you the whole damn universe in a millisecond.

Being home for winter break makes me feel 14 again. I don’t go out even when I can, then I get that “missing out” feeling that I always used to have. But some part of my brain is deeply bored with all the same old faces. Worse is the feeling the people here stir in me of having nothing to offer. I feel like there is nothing for other people to like about me, which makes it harder to like myself. So I click and clank at my typewriter (reunited) and try to work it all out, but it’s just words—it doesn’t seem to communicate my true feelings. It is a perfunctory unloading but not an emotional one.

Maybe the emotion is not in the writing, but in the reading. I just started reading Waiting for Godot, and I was telling my dad that even though I was enjoying it, I had no idea what was going on. He said it was like a Mark Rothko painting—it isn’t what it is about, it’s how it makes you feel.

Last time I felt a heaviness, I was at school in London, and I went to Tate Modern. From a distance, I caught a glimpse of a Rothko—you can’t mistake that melting of colours for anyone else—and was drawn to the room where that painting was displayed alongside four others by him. I got semi-lost in their unspecified emotion. They aren’t trying to tell you some specific message, there are no hidden meanings, yet this somehow makes them say even more. They contain so much. But there was still a faint buzzing in the background of my brain. I don’t know if it was worry or the awareness of other human beings around me or aftershocks from the Big Bang still radiating around our psyches. Something bigger than ourselves.

I sat by the Thames and felt part of something bigger. I don’t feel that here. ♦


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  • Abby January 1st, 2014 8:03 PM

    Katherine. KATHERINE. I legitimately cannot handle how well your post reflects how I feel about being home. I couldn’t have said any of that better than you. Thank you.

    • Idonotknow January 6th, 2014 11:54 AM

      Same ^^^ I feel stuck and I don’t understand what to do about it.. v_v mundane things are mundane .-.

  • momobaby January 1st, 2014 8:39 PM

    Britney, I totally get what you mean. Everyone makes like the beginning of a new year is some great accomplishment or milestone, but its just another day. It doesn’t even begin to break up the monotony of school.

  • dojo45 January 1st, 2014 8:50 PM

    Omg Naomi I totally connect with you I the winter break thing. I never like hanging out with people on winter break but I still feel like a loser for not doing it.

  • honorarygilmoregal January 1st, 2014 9:21 PM

    I can relate to Katherine’s post so much. I’m sick of being home now. Blahh

  • dollish January 1st, 2014 9:21 PM

    K–Remembering empathies. When I would go home over breaks, i would feel like a trapped animal, and I’d do anything to be free range again

  • Milala January 1st, 2014 9:51 PM

    Ruby, you’re such a good writer.

  • lotusmarina January 1st, 2014 10:46 PM


    all i can say is thank you rookie-staff, you guys rock & capture what it is to be a teenage girl so freaking well. xx

  • Izza January 1st, 2014 10:49 PM

    Britney, you have captured my thoughts exactly.

  • Hales January 2nd, 2014 12:21 AM

    Wow, I have not read something so relatable in a while as what Britney wrote. I’ve felt like high school is a never-ending, dull purgatory since freshman year. There’s rarely any excitement and as a senior I am so ready to say goodbye.

  • paige.xo January 2nd, 2014 4:55 AM

    katherine i relate to your post so much. i can’t wait until i can move away to uni

  • lexilikes January 2nd, 2014 9:12 AM

    Naomi that’s so true. I never bother to make any plans whilst I’m on holiday but I can’t help feel like I should be doing something. <3

  • mangointhesky January 2nd, 2014 2:17 PM

    Naomi: “Being home for winter break makes me feel 14 again.” I feel you entirely. I do things that I now never have time to do when school is in session: lounge on the couch, stare into space, and be happy by getting bored and doing nothing.

  • Rilynn January 2nd, 2014 2:28 PM

    Britney, I can relate with you on so many levels. I’m only a freshman in high school and it really sucks that I feels this way towards school already.

  • Sophii January 2nd, 2014 7:45 PM

    Naomi, I know what you mean about desperately feeling the need to document everything. I wish that it were possible. Katherine, I too wish that I was back at school now. I despise school but I desire some kind of routine and something to fill my time rather than just moping and procrastinating. I still do those things when I’m at school but there is less time to do so.
    Britney, this sentence sums up exactly how I feel about my school, ‘it is more or less an absurd purgatory where each day feels like a copy of the last. Sometimes I wonder what it would feel like to be at a different school, far away from this one, one that does not make my life feel so unbearably stagnant’ but like Katherine said, it’s nice to know that, at school, even the boring things are working towards something

  • dobby_is_my_hero January 3rd, 2014 1:45 AM

    Ruby- your entry gave me even more teenage angsty weird confused angry happy sad feelings than usual

  • adana January 3rd, 2014 3:17 AM

    NAOMI I FEEL YOU. The part about writing and how it can’t convey everything, especially the essence. Yes.

  • boughsofholly January 3rd, 2014 9:40 PM

    Naomi- this entry made me feel so relieved. I feel the same severe desire/need/urge to document everything. Even at night before I go to bed, I am afraid of forgetting special details about the day. Lately I’ve felt like I’m carrying around too much inside, yet I haven’t been able to express it when I write and that makes me even more depressed, so I feel you on that. Also, London in general had the same buzzing effect on me and I miss it terribly. This article completely validates how I’m feeling.

  • ungrula January 4th, 2014 12:54 AM

    Britney I feel u
    Not as much as I would have last year, but I changed schools this year because of a lot of factors but partially because I couldn’t connect to anyone at my old school really; I had no friends other than three people I already knew, also because I wasn’t learning anything and I had the power to change that. So I’m at this intellectually stimulating place right? And I’m in an elective that I’m more interested this year, so I should have a group of friends thats bigger than 3, right? Lol nope. I’m still kind of dreading having to go back and deal with everyone’s drama and pretending to be friends with people and not having real friends and ugh I just don’t want to

  • dragonfly January 4th, 2014 3:44 AM

    Ruby, Caitlin, Katherine, Naomi and Britney, your diaries are one of my favourite bits of Rookie, and I often look forward to them so much. You all make me feel a lot, but in particular understood. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

  • diniada13 January 7th, 2014 4:38 AM

    Britney, I could totally relate. I don’t have much optimism on high school after the new year, everything is pretty much the same. It’s like high school never ends. I’m growing tired of it–not in a ‘school sucks boo’ kind, it’s just too boring and static.

  • lucybubs January 7th, 2014 7:45 PM

    BRITNEY: I totally totally get that and reading your short but absolutely perfect entry made me feel a kabillion times better. And reading the comments above that other people feel the same pushes it over the top. I always thought high school was supposed to be exciting. Being a teenager is amazing, right? Then why does every day feel the same and new things seem to be happening to everyone in the world but me? lots of love

  • zoesunicorn January 10th, 2014 11:32 PM

    I want to wear more black too. It’s a more mature color and I feel more confident in black. :) also trust me I’m not goth, I’m a super girly girl but I just really like black.

  • zoesunicorn January 10th, 2014 11:40 PM

    Btw Katherine your mom sounds like a Puritan!