Live Through This

When All Other Lights Go Out

If you can’t imagine a future with you in it, please hang on.

Illustration by Marjainez.

Illustration by Marjainez.

When I was 17 or so, I started feeling like it was raining every day. There were no rainbows in my world, only dark clouds, and they never seemed to lift. I remember taking a quiz in a magazine, something like “Are You Depressed?”—and even though I knew the answer (YES), I was still a little scared when the results told me I should maybe consider seeing a doctor, because what I was feeling wasn’t “normal.”

Instead of asking for help like I should have (easier said than done), I started looking around at my classmates to try to figure out what “normal” meant. Did they cry all the time? Didn’t other people think about hurting themselves on a regular basis? This was just, like, typical teenage angst that I was feeling, right? It would go away, wouldn’t it? Of course I never actually asked anyone any of these questions—the idea of exposing myself as “crazy” was too much to bear. I told myself to keep the sadness and anxiety inside, to bury it and bear it, to wait it out the way you wait out the flu: eventually, the sickness will disappear and everything will go back to normal. But that’s not the way clinical depression works, of course: Instead of growing out of it, I fell deeper in to the point where I began to see death as a viable option. Everything just hurt so much—even getting out of bed required Herculean strength—and I doubted I had it in me to keep going.

In the darkest times of my life, I found myself thinking about different ways of dying. It was the only thing that seemed to give me a measure of peace; the idea that I could, if nothing else, control my own fate. I felt irreparably broken, that there was nothing anyone or anything could do to make the sick, burning feeling in my brain and in my body disappear. It hurt so much just to exist that I came very close to extinguishing all lights, inside and out, and disappearing into an unknown, all-encompassing darkness. Darkness, I figured, was something I was good at, anyway.

But something stopped me—an almost invisible spark of defiance that I had to dig very deep to find and fight very hard to cling to. For a time, 99.9 percent of me wanted to die, but there was that .1 percent that kept flickering alight, the most distant of stars in the universe, and though it was hard for me to see it on a daily basis, I decided to find some kind of faith in the fact that it was there at all. Most of my brain insisted that this was just cowardice disguised as hope—that I was just afraid of death or physical pain or failure (oh, perfectionism, you are ever so much fun). When your mind turns on you, it is hard to fight it. But you don’t have to battle it to the ground all at once. Fighting back is an incremental process, and all it takes is the smallest effort—waking up and saying, “Not today”—to send your depression the message that you will not be easy prey.

These small, quiet victories added up for me, and here I am, several lovely and weird years later. They are years I am so glad to have lived, inhabited by people I never even knew existed in my darkest days, people who were worth waiting for—worth living for—and the help I needed (and need) to keep my mind healthy and filled with good things. Of course, you don’t get from “I want to die” to “I feel so glad to be alive” in one step. My steps may be different from yours, but regardless of the path you take, I know that you are capable of making this trek on your own, and that recovery is possible in all things.

If you are where I was a few years ago and are considering suicide, I have a few things to say to you. First of all, I would like you to know that somebody out there loves you. Some of you won’t believe me, and some of you already know it but aren’t sure it’s enough. You can’t feel it, and you can’t believe in it, because you don’t understand how anyone would look at you and see anything worth loving. Everything seems dark and sad and lost, and lately there’s one thought that you can’t shake from your mind: Maybe everyone—including me—would be better off without me. What you are feeling is a sadness beyond sadness, and it’s hard to picture any other way to escape it. Daydreaming about disappearing becomes a source of sad relief.

But it is a horrible way to live, thinking only about death. People who have never been there do not understand it: They will tell you to “snap out of it” or that you’re “going through a phase” or that “everyone gets sad sometimes.” These people aren’t evil, they just don’t have the experience or the information or the imagination to conceive that other people’s brains don’t work like theirs do. But trust me: There are many people who know how you feel, including me. And that’s why, even though we’ve never met, I can tell you: Somebody out there loves you. You may not even know they exist yet, but I promise you that they do. I am telling you, telling you, telling you, as someone who has been at the bottom of the lowest pit, with no lights and no ladders: You are not alone, you are not worthless, and you are stronger than you think. Did you get up this morning? Did you open your eyes and take a deep breath and try to get through one more day? Then you, my love, are tough as nails. You are a fighter. Do not ever forget it.

So, how do you keep going? How do you fight those urges and those thoughts and that feeling that nothing is worth anything? I suppose for each person there’s a slightly different answer. But I can tell you that the path out of darkness almost always begins with help from someone else—one of those aforementioned people who understand what you’re going through. Here comes the hard part, though: You have to ask for help. You have to be willing, for one moment, to let someone else in. The scariest part of mental illness is how isolating and consuming it can be. It will try to shut you out of the world, to keep you away from help and hope. To just say, out loud, even something as simple as “I don’t feel good, and I think I need some help” is a huge step in the right direction. You do not have to suffer alone. There are people who understand, who will not judge, who will not belittle you or dismiss your pain. The major thing is to let someone else in, so that you don’t spiral out of control within your own mind.

Please do not hold these thoughts inside. I speak from experience—they don’t go away on their own, but with a little help (and I don’t mean just medication, as some people need it and some don’t), they DO go away, and it is such a marvelous and miraculous thing that I can’t even express how amazing it feels. For me, it was as if someone had come in and polished up my mind, removing cobwebs and ink spills and leaving everything sparkly and new. Colors were brighter, sounds were clearer, love was deeper and life, in general, was worth living. It took me a long time to admit that I needed help, but once I told my parents how I was really feeling, they made sure I got what I needed. If your parental situation isn’t great, that’s OK—you can open up to anyone you trust, a friend, a counselor, a relative, etc. If you don’t have anyone in your life you feel comfortable talking to, call a suicide hotline, a crisis center, or a hospital, especially if you are actively suicidal. Here’s a number you can call from anywhere in the United States, 24 hours a day: 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255). Here’s a list of resources outside of the U.S. You can also always call 911, or the emergency number in your country, on yourself if you feel like you have no one else to turn to. When they answer, simply tell them that you are feeling suicidal, or that you feel you are a danger to yourself, or just that you’re having an emergency and need help. There is no shame in reaching out. Some of the bravest people in the world are the ones who picked up the phone and decided to save their own lives.

If this piece doesn’t apply to you directly, but makes you think of a dear friend, understand that your friend is hurting, and that they may withdraw from you as things get worse. There are classic suicidal warning signs to look for: giving things away, isolating themselves, talking about suicidal plans, self-harming, etc. If someone tells you they are considering suicide, take them seriously. Speak to someone you trust and voice your concerns. If you have any reason to fear they are close to making an attempt, don’t leave them alone. Call your local emergency number, or take them to the emergency room. And tell a family member or a friend what’s happening, so you’re not in this alone.

Sharing your friend’s secret may feel like a betrayal, but a serious situation calls for a serious response, and you have to trust that your friend will understand that your heart was in the right place. It may take them a while to recognize it, but they’ll get there. It may take months, it may take years, it may take forever, but if they get the help they need, they will look back after years and years and remember, when everything seemed hopeless, that somebody out there loved them. Maybe they’ll be struck by the revelation that they actually love themselves, something they once thought impossible. I’ve met many people in treatment who started out very bitter that they were “forced” to get help by loved ones, only to watch them heal and recover and remember themselves and thank those who helped them get the treatment they needed, without which they’d probably be gone. I struggled with accepting help for a while before I got well enough to see how beautiful recovery is.

I’m not sure I can tell you how to find that little light inside of you to cling to, but I know, simply because you’re reading this, that it’s there. You are looking for someone to tell you that it’s OK to need help and it’s OK to want help, that you can get better, that you will get better, and that all of the things that seem so heavy and painful and impossible now will eventually lift and life will seem worth living again. Let me be that person. You are worth something. You are worth saving. Your life matters. Maybe you can’t see all of that now, but you will. Because you can get better. You will.

Maybe someday you’ll remember all of this and you’ll write about it online and share it with a bunch of strangers, hoping that whomever needs it will read it and know that they are not alone, that it’s possible to get up every morning and look in the mirror and laugh and think, I’m still here, motherfuckers, and dance down the stairs into another day. Maybe you’ll be able to tell them what they need to hear, and maybe they’ll believe it, because it’s sincere and true and worth believing: Somebody out there loves you.

53 Comments

  • Caitlin H. December 12th, 2013 3:32 PM

    I love you Pixie <3

  • soviet_kitsch December 12th, 2013 3:41 PM

    for any of you going through this: i had a horrible anxious/depressive spell that lasted about two months, culminating in a mental breakdown a few weeks ago. it was horrible being in that mental pain but now i see that my life may be boring (hard for me to get outside often, can’t work or go to school etc), but it’s worth living, and it’ll pick up in due time. you’re on the right track, you deserve to be healthy, you are never as alone as you think, and you are loved. i know that all sounds cliche but it’s true–if you’re reading this, you know there’s something better out there for you. don’t ever be ashamed to ask for help.

  • Narita December 12th, 2013 3:53 PM

    This means so much, honestly. I have been depressed for most of my life, I’ve been seeing a counselor for ten years now and I’m sixteen. Sometimes I just doubt if it will ever get better and whenever I think about it too much, the answer is “No, probably not.” But there are, somehow, small things that keep me going. Exceptionally good songs. Making the weirdest video-snapchats with friends. Cheese and onion pizza. And articles like this.

    Thank you.

    • Abby December 12th, 2013 5:19 PM

      I can guarantee that it does get better. Hang in there Narita… we’re all rooting for you.

      Big hugs :)

  • NF4awesome December 12th, 2013 3:59 PM

    It’s the getting help part that’s the hardest…

  • mangointhesky December 12th, 2013 4:12 PM

    This means a lot. It was really beautiful!

    http://thebluepapaya.blogspot.com

  • lizabeth December 12th, 2013 4:24 PM

    I went through this for a couple of years and have only recently begun to get better. The best advice I can give for others struggling is just to keep going. Even just staying here, alive, is a huge victory-something I’m learning more and more everyday. Everything Pixie said was exactly right.

    “For a time, 99.9% of me wanted to die, but there was that .1% that kept flickering alight, the most distant of stars in the universe, and though it was hard for me to see it on a daily basis, I decided to find some kind of faith in the fact that it was even there to begin with.” This reminded me so much of one of my favorite songs and one that has helped me so much. It’s called “Last Hope” by Paramore if anyone wants to check it out <3

  • starsinyourheart December 12th, 2013 4:33 PM

    this is so true. a few years ago, i never thought i would ever be as happy as i am now. i didn’t even know it was possible. i was depressed, severely self harming, suffering from ptsd & had undiagnosed bipolar disorder. i was so low. several things happened & i was very lucky to receive the help i finally reached out for (nhs). there’s always hope. for me, the most important thing was finally reaching out and learning how to construct a support system around me. talking to people honestly made the world of difference :)

  • elliesandpancakes December 12th, 2013 5:07 PM

    Thank you <3 it's words like this that saved my life and I'm so glad I'm alive right now I can't believe it

  • Abby December 12th, 2013 5:16 PM

    Thank you for this, so much. When I was thirteen and my sister was sixteen, she tried to kill herself, and I am so (SO) happy that she didn’t succeed. If only she had had something like this to show her how much we cared (and still care) about her, and that it would get better. She’s happy now, and I know that she’s glad that she didn’t die that day. I hope this article gives someone else what she didn’t have.

  • Jojo December 12th, 2013 5:20 PM

    Thank you so much for this piece. The hardest part I always found was that I didn’t want to die but I didn’t want to live. It was a really difficult time in my life, and it still is, but I’m doing much better now. It’s easy to be in that moment and think life doesn’t matter, but it does! As i reflect back on that period, it just makes me sad. I was so unhappy and alone, but telling somebody is what saved me. That is the most important thing, and one of the best decisions i’ve made.

    • Mellen December 12th, 2013 6:30 PM

      I was exactly the same Jojo! Not wanting to die or to live. The Smiths said it right in Nowhere Fast
      “And when I’m lying in my bed
      I think about life
      And I think about death
      And neither one particularly appeals to me ”
      That’s how I felt at the time.

      • holly_berry December 12th, 2013 7:47 PM

        I feel the exact same way right now. I don’t want to live, I don’t want to die. But nobody understands. Every. Single. Day. On top of that I have to go to school everyday and that scares the POOP outta me. This article helped a lot cause I realized it wasn’t just me

      • notnobody December 12th, 2013 8:58 PM

        Another person who said it right, I think, was Dar Williams:

        And when I chose to live
        there was no joy
        it was just a line I crossed
        I wasn’t worth the pain my death would cost
        so I was not lost or found

  • die_mad December 12th, 2013 5:44 PM

    this is so beautiful and i wish i had had this during the time i was really bad. I’m still struggling but i know life is worth living and people love me. i think the hardest part might be trying to love myself.

  • kahla December 12th, 2013 6:32 PM

    i don’t know if i’m clinically depressed but i do feel like life is meaningless and that isn’t worth it. hopefully someday i’ll recover from whatever i’m suffering and be able to say “yes, life is awesome and every minute of it is worth it”. in the meantime i’ll keep trying.

    thank you so much for writing this! :)

    • elliesandpancakes December 13th, 2013 5:56 PM

      If you feel like life is meaningless, I would definitely recommend talking to a doctor so they can help you out.

  • LikeWinterRain December 12th, 2013 6:35 PM

    thanks for this, such beautiful words. although I am not in the same dark place I was 6 months ago, I still struggle. the little things keep me going and help me see the light that is in life. now, even with struggles, it feels like that time when I couldn’t see the light is years behind me, instead of months.
    when I was at my lowest and I felt like I couldn’t go on anymore, I just kept telling myself that if my heart is still beating then I am still here and I still have a purpose. no one is ever too far gone. I think just the fact alone that someone will miss you is enough to keep your head above water.

  • marineo December 12th, 2013 6:39 PM

    this is so important! I had horrible stress-related depression junior year and it was AWFUL let me tell you but i’m so happy that I came out the other side. It’s really hard to get help, but very necessary.

  • nikkiduck December 12th, 2013 6:45 PM

    This is very beautiful. I’ve been in dark times for a little over 7 years now. I had my best friend betray my secret (it’s okay now, wish she would have given me a heads up though) and was forced into therapy by my school. I guess I just didn’t have a good person and I was forced there so I didn’t want to keep going. I think maybe now I’m ready to go again and use my university’s counseling services, maybe. My best friend is the one I turned to for help and the one I clung to.

    But, a word of advice: don’t use people as lifesavers. I know it wasn’t nice to do to my best friend but, probably like many of you, I didn’t know what else to do. There was literally nothing else in this world but her that I wanted to live for. And it did work for me. I was able to put my depression into a sort of remission for a long time. Unfortunately she has turned and thrown it back in my face that I had depression and that I needed her and so according to her, I ruined her teenage years pretty much.

    So, take my experience and try to find a thing to cling to, not a person. I’m sure not everyone will do that to you if you do cling to them, but they might. And find the strength, unlike me, to go to therapy earlier on in your dark spell.

    It’ll get better eventually ♥ hey, it’s been 7 years with this dark cloud (or black dog), and I’m still here, so you can do it too.

    • giov December 13th, 2013 6:02 AM

      hey there, I had a similar experience as a teen ager and my best friend from that time did hold it against me for a while, that I was depressed and clung to her a bit too tightly.

      we didn’t talk for years but now things are as ok as they will ever be. our friendship got us through our teen age years, and even if you feel like you were just a burden for your best friend, chances are that they needed you as well. in a few years hopefully you’ll be able to look back at it with different eyes and heal a few wounds.

      now i make sure to never depend on one single person: i need more friends that i can talk to, so that i can give everyone a break from my sad every now and then. haven’t found a good therapist (in 6 years) but maybe one day i will. although i do think that my mood disorder is for life, i also think i get better at it all the time.

  • TessAnnesley December 12th, 2013 6:56 PM

    Jesus F. Christ, this could have been lifted straight out of my journal, Pixie you nailed it

  • holly_berry December 12th, 2013 7:35 PM

    This article was honestly the best article I have ever seen on rookie. I have struggled with anxiety and depression all my life and this really helps. I really empathize with you pixie

  • shelley December 12th, 2013 8:15 PM

    I found that the time when I was at my worst I saw the people that loved me as burdens holding me back rather than blessings. One thing that shook me to action was I wrote a list of reasons not to die, didn’t find this helpful, but wrote a list of things to do before I die. I don’t mean things like give away my stuff, it was more go paddle boarding, see an albatross, go to Cuba etc. I found the list a while ago, and had done lots of the things without even realising it, Also getting away from a negative friend group and getting closer to other acquaintances really helped me. I have to say I have had an amazing past few years since I really was considering killing myself. Over the past couple of years there have been times where I have had a few ideations but I manage to turn them around. Thank you so much for this post Pixie, and if any of you are feeling like this please please know that I love you even if I don’t know you (v for vendetta inspired but true).

  • stupidxgrrrl December 12th, 2013 9:06 PM

    this was so amazing to read, things like this make me feel so good and unworthless (not a word but whatevs). i loved reading the comments also.. they make me feel less alone because i have the same feelings. like about not wanting to live or die and just feeling worth nothing.

    seriously, i love going on rookie everyday and looking at each thing, you guys make me feel so much less alone

  • lyssagrltx December 12th, 2013 9:14 PM

    I cried when reading this. I’m not depressed necessarily, just afraid, afraid of the future and what’s going-on at the moment. I feel like I have no friends and my school has developed cliques, which if you’re unaware just are a bad social concept and in a small school(80 kids) makes it hard to make friends or to be in “a group” of people I trust. The friends that I supposedly have I feel as if they’re dropping like flies. My point is this article defiantly made me feel better, so thanks again rookie.

  • kolumbia December 12th, 2013 10:02 PM

    This is the first time that a Rookie post has come at exactly the right time, so I’m really glad it was this one. Thank you, Pixie.

  • julalondon December 12th, 2013 10:25 PM

    I can’t really relate to this post (thank god!), but i do think that it is a really really great one!! I just love Rookie so much. Thank you for being here!

  • brontosaurus December 12th, 2013 10:57 PM

    Thank you

    https://www.etsy.com/shop/DreamerGear

  • mayafairy December 12th, 2013 10:59 PM

    Thank you. I really needed this right now. The stress of finals and the feeling of failure consumes me 100% of the day. Suicide is on my mind all the time. It just seems like it would be so much easier to not have to deal with all of this. But I’m holding out for the hope that it will get better, eventually.

    http://chroniclesofhighschool.blogspot.com

  • ColoredSoft December 12th, 2013 11:06 PM

    Oh, man. Never thought I’d cry while reading a Rookie article. I’ve been feeling bad for a couple of years, and tried to take my life a few days before junior year started. I’ve gotten help but lately I’ve been feeling that I should probably try again because I’ve just been feeling so worthless and useless. However, a lot of things have popped up, making me want to stay, including this article. So, thanks for sharing your story Pixie <3

  • irismonster December 12th, 2013 11:48 PM

    depression is the worst (well there are many reasons) because it’s a cycle. i can know that what would help me is to reach out and interact with people, but yet lack the motivation to do anything that would help me. this article is really helpful, and i appreciate that you took the time to write it. i know it can be hard to revisit those times, but it’s worth it for the people it will help.

  • whiskeytangofoxtrot December 13th, 2013 12:09 AM

    This.
    Just this.

    Love. To all of you. Always.

  • sophiethewitch December 13th, 2013 2:06 AM

    I’m so, so grateful for my life now, so in love with all the things that I almost threw away. I used to sit in class and daydream about death. I imagined it as sinking into this cold, white, soft fog of nothing, and relaxing into oblivion, and the fog would change into just pure white without texture or dimension. I remember just feeling so incredibly tired.

    But things got better. Things will continue to get better. Living is worthwhile.

    Thank you, Pixie.

  • Raissomat December 13th, 2013 2:09 AM

    my ex boyfriend was depressed and had different mental health issues. He broke my heart when he once screamed “I don’t know if I believe in that happiness you all talk about, for me you might just have Made it up!” And I realized it was a strong illness. If that illness could hide my affection, and the strong magic bond we had. I realized I wasn’t making him happy, ever, no matter how much I wanted it. He wanted me to never leave his side, but he wasn’t really thankful for having me, since he was so mad about not feeling anything. He is still in my heart but I could not go on. I really wish he knows happiness now, and is not drinking alone in his room. And has a strong loving girlfriend and healthy accepting friends.

  • Joyce December 13th, 2013 4:52 AM

    funny i happen to read this right now. we took this sort of test TODAY about ‘in what stage of depression are you’ or something. everybody else was normal or has mild depression. my score was too high – which means I have severe depression. of course i did not raise my hand when our teacher asked who got a score above 30. then she discussed about depression and i did learn and understood it more. but now i’m reading THIS. it makes me feel less alone with all the comments and stuff but it’s just really HARD. i told some friends about my test result and they did not really say anything about it. i really have no one else to talk to besides them. i don’t have anyone. i’ve been missing home a lot and I honestly don’t wanna go back to school next year. i’ve never experienced anything like this. i cry ALL THE TIME, and am not happy with activities that i used to enjoy like reading and drawing. i’m always tired and always thinking of just killing myself. i can’t do this anymore, i don’t deserve the support that my mom gives me, i’m totally useless and i feel like everyhting else is.

    • giov December 13th, 2013 6:07 AM

      it’s not too late to go back to that teacher and say: hey, about the test, my score was really high actually. they’ve tested you to help you, and they should have a plan for when you score high. please, please, please, do tell that teacher about it.

  • whiskeytangofoxtrot December 13th, 2013 4:11 PM

    Joyce, you definitely deserve the support your mom gives you! Always.

    I don’t know much about your situation, but it sounds like you’re away from home at college for the first time? That alone can be very overwhelming and stressful.

    Are you also a lot further north than where you grew up? I am asking, because you might be suffering from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) from not getting enough natural sunlight or Vitamin D. I don’t know if it will help, but it might be worth looking into.

    Also look into any peer counselling that might be offered at your school, and definitely talk to that teacher. You are worth it!

  • Erin. December 13th, 2013 6:35 PM

    “You are not worthless.”
    I really, really needed to hear that.
    Thank you.

    • Erin. December 13th, 2013 6:49 PM

      Also, I am working on getting better, on my own because I don’t think I’m clinically depressed, and I’m no good at talking to people….but my dad is constantly insulting me. He has zero idea of what’s going on with me (pretty sure no one does), and he just generally doesn’t like me as a person. It wouldn’t help to talk to him, he just doesn’t get anything. Without realizing it, he legit doesn’t care about other people. And every time I’m feeling better about myself, he yells at me to stop reading books and get a life, or yells at me for something trivial, or for doing something “incorrectly”. I know this is wrong, but I don’t know how to ignore it.

      • Anaheed December 13th, 2013 7:37 PM

        Is there anyone else in your house?

        • Erin. December 15th, 2013 4:43 PM

          Yeah, my mom and two younger siblings. My dad pretty much treats everyone the same way, though we each get it worse at various times. I know it would make sense to come together to do something about it, but I don’t think any of us see the point. I’m definitely considered to be the “useless” one, though. Like, it’s either I’m bad at everything, or the things I am good at aren’t worth anything. Part of me knows it’s not true, just like I’m sure they know it’s not true too. We all just treat each other very poorly a lot of the time.

  • 655321 December 14th, 2013 12:50 AM

    this article is amazing im so glad rookie posted it, it should be required reading for all people everywhere.

    anyway, when i read this it REALLY hit home. Ive suffered from depression for two years, and im finally really happy. when i was in eighth grade, i was in a psychiatric hospital for a week, which i was upset about at the time, but i realize now, saved my life.

    about a year later, i got in a really bad fight with my brother, and ended up overdosing on about 100 ambien and 15 effexor (both prescriptions i had). Id like to point out two things.

    1. DYING IS PAINFUL. IT HURTS. i know, in the movies people just go to sleep, yeah thats not how it works. maybe this is too vivid but i hope it gets through. first, your heart beat becomes really really rapid. then your throat swells up and you cant breathe, then you start throwing up violently and start choking on your own vomit. its the most painful experience ive ever been through in my entire life, getting help is a cakewalk compared to dying. PLEASE GET HELP PLEASE GET HELP. before my brother found me choking on my vomit nearly passed out on the floor, i remember thinking “wow i regret this so much”

    2. i know it seems like nobody loves you, but they do. when my brother came upstairs to apologize (oops) ive never heard a noise come out of a human like the one he made. this event has scarred both of us and my entire family. i regret this every day, as does he. it will forever be my biggest mistake. PLEASE GET HELP!!!! if nobody loves you know that I LOVE YOU!! PLEASE GET HELP THERE IS HOPE. PLEASE GET HELP THERE IS HOPE

  • 655321 December 14th, 2013 12:54 AM

    rehabilitation takes time. i had to find a really good therapist to help me, and i still go twice a week, even two years later. sometimes life is tough, but its never that bad. i look back, and im like “wow i cant believe i used to sit around and think of ways to kill myself and think that was so okay” its really not okay. I URGE YOU TO GET HELP. please. people love you, dying isnt worth it. even if nobody loves you (which isnt true but if thats how you feel) please spare yourself the pain. please please dont make the same mistakes i did. please dont. if theres anything i can get out of this experience, let it be warning other people of the pain you have to go through to die.

  • LeavesThatAreGreen December 14th, 2013 1:31 PM

    Thank you. It’s important to be reminded of that tiny spark of hope. Depression really sucks, but I’m trying.

  • dragonfly December 14th, 2013 10:45 PM

    Whoa. Well Rookie/Pixie, you really hit my situation spot on wow. I recently found out my close friend is suicidal. It’s been rather hard trying to support her and be there for her, but I REALLY want to help her through this. I still sort of can’t believe this is happening.
    Thank you, Pixie.

  • fluorescentyesterday December 15th, 2013 8:27 AM

    I kind of needed this right now.
    I’ve been depressed/suicidal for a long time and only in this past year have I realized that I need to get better. I’ve tried telling my parents but it just made things a lot worse. I’m been ‘in recovery’ for a couple months now but for the past two weeks things have been getting really bad and I’ve been relapsing. I called a suicide hotline and hung up two seconds later, returning to old thoughts of ‘who cares anyway?’

    But thank you, Pixie. Thank you Rookie. This means a lot to me, and as the comments show, to a lot of other people too.

  • shaaash December 16th, 2013 2:16 AM

    needed this more than anything.
    http://teenageuphoria.blogspot.com/

  • Anya N. December 16th, 2013 5:11 PM

    Hey, Rookies. I kind of need help with something.
    My friend is in recovery from bulimia and she was over three months clean, but this weekend something bad happened and she purged and cut a little. Her home life is really emotionally unhealthy and I don’t think she’s getting the support that she needs. I’ve been trying so hard to help her but there’s only so much I can do. She was feeling so much better but since this weekend she’s been depressed and I’m worried she’s getting worse again. I think she’s stopped seeing her therapist. I want to help her but I’m not sure what to do- does anyone have any advice?

  • wiley December 26th, 2013 8:17 AM

    My daughter has been reading your blog which is how I found you. Unfortunately she has had 4 suicide attempts in the past year and thankfully none were successful. I think we are on the right track now. Please know that mental illness is just like any other illness – you need medication and lifestyle changes. If you are diabetic would you not take insulin or change your diet? A good therapist can help. And guess what? If you don’t like the first or second or third one you go to – find another. You will find one that suits you. It took 4 therapists and 3 psychologists to get the right mix for my daughter. Also a good therapist will be your advocate when you can’t do it for yourself. Many will talk to your school and work and help you get the bits and pieces of your life in alignment so you can focus on taking care of yourself. Above all, hang in there. You will be amazed at the number of people who care and will help.

  • paashaas21 December 31st, 2013 8:20 PM

    where can i test if I’m depressed because the “If you can’t imagine a future with you in it, please hang on” is what I think about a lot.

    • Anaheed December 31st, 2013 9:40 PM

      Are you in a situation where you can talk to a counselor? Is there one at your school? That’s the best way to start figuring this out, IMO. In the meantime, I just googled “online depression test” and found this: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression/MH00103_D

      • paashaas21 January 1st, 2014 4:52 PM

        no, there’s not really someone…
        thanks for the link!