I have a blurry memory of that day. I was 16 and I was sad. I was sad because my dad was sick and my sister was sick too. My other sister and my best friend were far away. My ex-boyfriend had cheated on me. My grades were awful. I had just started seeing a psychiatrist who had put me on new meds.
My parents used to have a place right next to the sea. We used to go there on weekends. I liked it there. (Most of these pictures were taken there.)
On this particular night—it was Saturday—I took my pills and went to sleep. Four hours later, I was awake. I went to the window and looked out at the sea and it was so beautiful that I think I probably stood there for half an hour. My mind was half there and half somewhere else.
I was suddenly overtaken by an urge to be in the sea. I wanted to become the sea. I wanted to pour my blues into the water to help it stay blue. I went outside and sat on the sand and put my feet in the water and then my mom was there. Later, she told me that she had heard the downstairs door shut and followed me to the seashore. She asked me if I was OK and told me I should go back to the house and back to sleep. I started to cry and told her that I was fine, I was just “going home.” I told her a few more things.
Then my dad was there too. I remember not being sure if they were really there. I wasn’t even sure I was there. I remember thinking I was dead because everything I was feeling seemed like something you would feel if you were dead or dying.
I don’t remember this, but my mom says that I was crying really hard and that my dad asked me to calm down and said, “Tell me everything from the beginning.” So here it is: everything, from the beginning, that I was feeling that day.
I wanted to be hugged by the sea.
I thought the sea was beautiful and I wanted to be beautiful in it, with it.
Then I was tired and I felt like I just didn’t want to try anymore.
It felt like torture.
I said, “My body hurts.”
And my dad said something like “My body hurts, too. I feel like I’m being tortured, too. Sometimes I don’t want to try anymore, either. But I do try, every day, because I have you and your mom and your sisters. I have all of these beautiful things, and I want to see them every day.”
I remember crying even harder, then I think I went to sleep.
The next morning I wasn’t sure what had happened the night before.
I didn’t want to leave my room.
Eventually I did, and I talked with my mom and dad, and everything was fine.
I was so happy they were there with me. I felt safe with them.
I think everyone should see the sea at least once in their lives.
We all deserve that. ♦