My best friend forever and I have been living in different states since September. We talk on the phone every day, but lately she has been SO negative and down on herself because life is rough when you are poor and living on your own. We originally bonded over our mutual hatred of everything, but I have been trying to be a more positive person lately, and she is really bringing me down. For the last few months, I have been giving her heaps of advice and trying to teach her new ways to think about things, pretty much as I learn them myself. It’s gotten to the point where I act more like her MOM than her friend, but I can’t just pat her on the back and say “I’m sorry” every time she tells me how hard her day was! This wouldn’t be a problem if she had someone else to talk to, but I’m the only one. How can I support her in a real way and not overstep my bounds as her friend? —Sweaty-Mom Friend, 18, Portland, OR

You are a great friend, SMF, and your friend sounds like a good person who is just going through a tough time. But even in this best-case version of this scenario, it can be really hard to support someone without feeling like their negativity is dragging you down a little, too. I’m glad you already recognize that this is happening, because self-care is going to be priority #1 for you—that means you have to take care of yourself before you can even begin to take care of someone else, and sometimes that means backing away, easing off a bit, or not taking care of anyone else at all for the time being.

It’s completely OK for you to back off a bit from your BFF in order to preserve your own sanity and happiness. You don’t have to bounce altogether, but maybe don’t answer every single call or text. It sounds like your friend is stuck in a bad place emotionally, but there’s nothing you can do to unstick her—not because you aren’t a great friend, but because she needs to want to change her thinking, and then get some kind of help outside of what a friend can provide. She might need to talk to a professional, like a therapist, who can help her work through her feelings and give her the tools to keep from falling into the trap of negativity. When I was poor and young and depressed, I would just unload all of my feelings onto my friends. Then one day one of them gently suggested that I talk to a therapist, and I’m embarrassed to say the thought had literally never occurred to me—no one in my family had ever had therapy, and at that age I didn’t know any friends that had, either. Maybe your friend needs a little nudge to know that it’s OK to get some professional help—when you’re sad or depressed the easiest solutions can be the hardest to grasp.

And don’t let being poor keep her from finding options—every therapist I’ve ever seen worked on a sliding scale, which means you pay what you can afford—and there are a lot of options that could be covered under the Affordable Care Act. If she’s in college, there are free options for mental health care ALL OVER student health centers. If you’re worried about what to say, try something like, “You know, I’m really worried that you sound so sad, and all of our conversations are about the bad things happening in your life—do you want me to help you find someone to talk to? This is hard for me because I live too far away to really help, but I want you to feel better.” Make it clear that your friendship is still a priority, but that her problems are really beyond your reach right now, and drive home, as gently as possible, the message that you are not, in fact, her mom.

I have one bummer to deliver here, and that’s that many friendships can’t survive this kind of pressure. That, by the way, is totally OK. Your priority is taking care of you, and if that’s impossible to do while remaining friends with this person, ending the relationship is the right, healthy thing to do. I’m not saying you should drop her like a hot rock, but sometimes the greatest thing you can do is to lead by example, and sometimes that means you’re just not spending as much time with people who keep you from being your best.

Now, maybe your friend is not actually depressed, but has just, for whatever reason, developed a habit of complaining all the time, no matter what’s going on in her life. If you suspect this is the case, definitely call her out! It doesn’t have to be done in a rude way, but she might not even realize how negative she’s being if this is just how she’s used to communicating with you. Be specific: Say things like, “Hey, life is full of enough bullshit—let’s try to talk about something nice for the next 15 minutes.” If she’s able to actually talk about something positive, say that every time she starts to spiral and see if you can help her break the habit.

I know what it’s like to bond over negativity. Kvetching with your friends can feel like a lifeboat when you’re drowning in a sea of people who don’t understand what you’re going through (forgive my weak metaphor). Having someone who hates the same things you do can be a really big rush, because it makes you feel like no matter how bad things get in your life, at least you’re not alone. But wallowing in hatred just produces more hatred, and that’s not a good way to make good things happen.

It took me a really long time to recognize that being a good friend doesn’t mean sacrificing my own emotional wellbeing. Your BFF may not be ready to change her life for the better, but that doesn’t mean you have to stall out and wait for her to catch up. —Danielle ♦

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