Almost everything is dull and gray; nothing feels right anymore. I wish I could be happy. I wish the people around me could be happy. Death is not romantic like it is in the movies and there is too much of it around me and in this world. It’s suffocating. I don’t like the way these sentences are short and bored and I don’t like the way my thoughts are short and bored. I wish I could feel more. I wish I could feel as if there is a bright future ahead, and even more, I want to feel as if there is a true future ahead instead of yet another chapter of a repeating cycle. In fact, more than that, I wish I just knew how to live in the moment.

I am trapped; nothing makes sense. The world feels like a movie set. I want answers to everything but then there truly would be nothing left.

The only things I seem to have that don’t feel like they are fading away like an old photograph are: writing, my family, and the person who consumes such a large percentage of my thoughts that sometimes I can feel an inkling of hope. I wish I could say that all of these things are enough, but they are not when everything else seems to be in turmoil.

My story is as muddled as my mind. Even music is starting to feel repetitive and old, something I never thought I would say. ♦