Dear Diary

December 4, 2013

Feelings are scary.


Almost everything is dull and gray; nothing feels right anymore. I wish I could be happy. I wish the people around me could be happy. Death is not romantic like it is in the movies and there is too much of it around me and in this world. It’s suffocating. I don’t like the way these sentences are short and bored and I don’t like the way my thoughts are short and bored. I wish I could feel more. I wish I could feel as if there is a bright future ahead, and even more, I want to feel as if there is a true future ahead instead of yet another chapter of a repeating cycle. In fact, more than that, I wish I just knew how to live in the moment.

I am trapped; nothing makes sense. The world feels like a movie set. I want answers to everything but then there truly would be nothing left.

The only things I seem to have that don’t feel like they are fading away like an old photograph are: writing, my family, and the person who consumes such a large percentage of my thoughts that sometimes I can feel an inkling of hope. I wish I could say that all of these things are enough, but they are not when everything else seems to be in turmoil.

My story is as muddled as my mind. Even music is starting to feel repetitive and old, something I never thought I would say. ♦


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  • elm December 4th, 2013 7:39 PM

    Glad to read that there are others out there that feel the same as I do sometimes.

  • dallasrookies December 4th, 2013 8:05 PM

    Sorry this is unrelated to the post, but I am trying to organize some sort of Rookie reader community in the Dallas, Texas area. If you live close, check out the tumblr I made:

    (Again, I’m really sorry this is unrelated)

  • vonnegutcobain December 4th, 2013 9:12 PM

    I connect with Naomi on so many levels. I can literally relate to every diary entry she posted on this site. it’s phenomenal.

    • Naomi Morris December 4th, 2013 10:46 PM

      <3 <3 <3

    • lizabeth December 9th, 2013 12:31 AM

      Me too. All of her journal entries feel like my own.

      And Britney, your entry this week is exactly how I’ve felt lately too. I wish I could tell you how to make it better but I’m still figuring that out myself <3

  • Kiana Kimberly Flores December 4th, 2013 9:35 PM

    It feels so good and wonderful to read this in here because I totally have ‘writer moments’ like this especially when I just can’t but I HAVE TO. Thank you! <3

  • tasmia December 4th, 2013 9:39 PM

    Sending love to you all. I wish you guys the best in getting through le shit. <3

    Also on an unrelated note: that tumblr is a very cool idea :) I'm all the way over in Edmonton, Canada, lol. Best of luck finding Texan rookies! On a side note, if there are any edmontonians or Albertans reading this, reply and maybe we can meet up!

  • Emmie December 4th, 2013 10:02 PM

    Good luck, Ruby.

  • alylee December 4th, 2013 10:34 PM

    I love the shorter length of these this week. I have had a pretty horrible past week, and don’t have a decent attention span anymore. The length made it so I could read, absorb, and almost therapeutically realize that other people’s thoughts are just as important as my own.

  • vintagebarbie December 4th, 2013 10:51 PM

    I really love Britney’s piece. Not only was it extremely well written, but had such an amazing message.

    • Britney December 5th, 2013 1:02 AM

      Thank you so much! I’m so glad that you feel that way.

  • Alienor December 5th, 2013 3:23 AM

    all these diaries were amazing.
    and now I want to go clean my room

  • Serena Head December 5th, 2013 4:04 AM

    Katherine, I can’t believe someone else feels exactly like this too!! Though you came up with a much better metaphor for it <3

  • maxrey December 5th, 2013 12:30 PM

    I think it’s interesting that at the beginning of the school year there was so much hope injected into these diary posts, and now that winter is upon us there is so much sadness. Hugs to all of you!!!

  • Anette December 5th, 2013 3:44 PM

    Dear Britney,
    your words and “short” sentences dragged me in, deeply. And these sentences aren’t “bored”, not at all, actually, they’re quite MOVING. It makes me think, it makes me feel “DEJA VU”, like I know what these words mean. I know one day, I’m going to figure out where I stand right now, and I hope you will too. Being “muddled” literally sucks, but that’s how it goes, right?

    PS:Your last sentence made me giggle and sad at the same time, because I know EXACTLY what you mean with it.

  • shaaash December 6th, 2013 9:08 AM

    thank you rookie. you make me feel less alone.

  • spookylarmo December 6th, 2013 10:21 PM

    Wow I really loved Britney’s piece not only because of the writing style but how relate-able it is to my life right now.