Dear Diary

December 25, 2013

Power failures, epiphanies, and transcendence.


While listening to Beyoncé’s new album the other day, I was suddenly compelled to grab my journal and rip out all the pages that chronicle my anxiety and depression and the horrible horrible feelings that I don’t want to remember. I shoved them all into one of my old journals, where they belong—in the past. Now, my journal begins when I moved to London for university, which is when I feel my life properly began. I have a life in London that is all my own, and I share it with whom I want. I don’t have anybody in my life there who doesn’t make me feel good about myself.

When I came home for Christmas and went back to the pub where I used to spend so many evenings, I felt how far I had moved on from that place and that crowd. For whatever reason, none of those people—people from my old school, my so-called friends—ever made me feel particularly happy or confident. There was one exception: my best friend. She still feels like my best friend deep down. She has a life or her own now, like me—last Friday I visited her in her new house-share, where she lives with a new kitten, a full-time job, and a double bed. She is someone I want to keep.

In the same drawer that housed my old diary, I found a letter I had written to my ex-boyfriend the morning after he broke up with me but never sent. I ripped it to absolute shreds. I like to think the past me kept it in that drawer just so I could have this moment where I felt so strong that I could definitively throw away the things that kept me tied to the past and made me feel like crap. To show me that I could be the one with the power.

I can see now how unhappy I was all summer, and how unhappy I was with my then-boyfriend. If I had been braver, I would have been the one who ended it, but I was feeling so vulnerable, I didn’t want to lose anything or anyone. I felt like I hardly had anything to begin with.

I also finally started taking antidepressants over the summer, something that had been on my mind a long time. I did it out of desperation—I felt like I had no other option. They make me so much more stable. Even more so than this time last year, when I wasn’t necessarily depressed, but my moods were volatile. These meds even me out.

I suppose this is quite a fitting diary entry for Christmas Day and the end of the year. I didn’t intend it that way, but gosh, I realise how much I have grown up. ♦


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  • Kathryn December 25th, 2013 8:38 PM

    All of the diaries are especially beautiful this week.

  • shaaash December 25th, 2013 8:42 PM

    I can relate so much to Naomi and Britney right now. Don’t worry, things will look up no matter how long it takes. xx

  • ColoredSoft December 26th, 2013 1:26 AM

    Britney, screw all the people that walk all over you and treat you like crap. Shove them out of your life, and become the badass you are, because you are. You don’t deserve that.

  • julalondon December 26th, 2013 5:38 AM

    Katherine, this was beautiful! I don’t know you but you seem like an awesome Person!!=)

  • peppermintmoo December 26th, 2013 5:49 AM

    Katherine, I love love love your entry. The world often feels very intimate to me (especially after stepping out of a movie theater), and sometimes it seems like my emotions intensify to match the level of closeness I feel to everything around me.

    I especially love, “Every look, every word, every adjustment of someone’s posture feels like a physical touch. When someone talks to me, I feel as if their hands are fumblingly touching my face like the arms of a squid moving over a rock, gently slapping and sliding all over the surface. It is eerie and extremely intimate.”

    When I feel this way I notice that every move I make is very deliberate. I step off of the curb a certain way; I put my hand around my pop can in a careful manner, as if and everything and everyone is electric. I look at peoples’ hands a lot. They give off sparks.

  • lexilikes December 26th, 2013 10:01 AM

    Britney I can always relate to your entries and oddly they seem to always be similar with what’s happening in my life. And I totally agree – these ARE supposed to be the best years of our lives, but they are also arguably the hardest, which is what makes it so memorable. <3

  • mangointhesky December 26th, 2013 11:25 AM

    These are all beautiful. I especially love yours, Naomi!

  • rhymeswithorange December 27th, 2013 12:13 AM

    Katherine SUPER beautiful! I can relate so much. It can be so scary to feel, but wonderful too

  • poirespoirespoires December 27th, 2013 1:26 PM

    Katherine, do you have other writing on the internet???