Dear Diary

December 11, 2013

A tiny point in space & time.

Naomi

On Thursday we had an underwear dance party in the kitchen, then I spent the night in his bed. Late the next afternoon, though you could still consider it the morning after the night before, me and Becky shared our habitual cup of tea, momentarily ignoring the sticky floor and piles of rubbish. Then we curled up with a still-drunk Jay in his bed and laughed hysterically at nothing in particular—laughed into the air, made it vibrate, and cursed the sunset for making the day go dark before we were even ready for it.

Eventually I made a home of my own bed, watched Before Sunrise and admitted to myself how much I think like Céline, who asks, “Isn’t everything we’re doing in life a way to be loved a little more?” and wondered why it is admirable and brave for a man to embrace love but needy and desperate for a woman to. At half one in the morning I was joined by Erica, who gave me her knowing look and spoke to me in her reassuring voice and then sat by my side and listened to Christmas songs in the dark.

It’s strange to think how all our bedrooms are completely identical to begin with, but then transform to adapt to their inhabitants. I think about how much of myself I instill in my own objects and clothes and environment. I think about how much of myself I instill in my own subconscious and send into the vivid dreams I have every night. I read Freud and learn about repressed emotions and how they can manifest themselves in physical pain. I think of how I have tried and tried to plug my stomach and every feeling that dwells there with an imagined cork and how Thursday night was such a welcome release. But it wasn’t idealised; it felt totally normal to be in his bed.

A song came on the radio and I remembered that Angelface, Erica, and I had been singing it last time I saw him. As he was wondering aloud at how big his hands looked on my body, I said, “I sang this to you outside when you were so drunk you were sick!” Understandably, he didn’t remember. There was a patch of sunlight on the wall and he made a shadow dog with his hand. The light moved along our skin.

When I can’t sleep I think of all the things that might be different if I had arrived a day earlier, or two days earlier, or three even. I imagine all the alternative universes, their ribbons of possibilities flowing side by side. In one of them, all my repressed feelings would be completely let loose. I wonder whether that would be a horribly damaging world, or one that made a lot more sense.

When I told him my horoscope, Jay said, “The stars know what they are doing.” Hardly a day goes by that we don’t dance a little around the kitchen, and sometimes I feel, in those moments the most, that everything will be more than fine. ♦

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24 Comments

  • dreamygirl December 11th, 2013 7:20 PM

    I LOVE YOUR WORDS NAOMI

    thanks for finding a way to put together all your magic thoughts so beautifully

  • Sim December 11th, 2013 7:24 PM

    Naomi, this was gorgeous. Your stories remind me so much of my first year of university — you capture the experience beautifully. x

  • mangointhesky December 11th, 2013 7:55 PM

    Britney- I absolutely love yours!

    http://thebluepapaya.blogspot.com

  • Maryse89 December 11th, 2013 8:05 PM

    Naomi, I looovvve Before Sunrise!!! Julie Delpy/Céline is like my life idol :)

    such a beautiful entry…that last paragraph was something special

  • Maki Unicorn December 11th, 2013 8:13 PM

    Britney, ahh it’ll be alright! you should just stick to people who make you feel good about yourself. that’s what life’s about!

    p.s. this part about cynicism was really cool. such a good idea.

    http://wet-panties.tumblr.com/

  • Catfemveg-Brookie December 11th, 2013 8:24 PM

    The last paragraph of Britney’s is profoundly beautiful. I relate to that on so many levels. True genius is knowing that what’s true for you is true for everyone else as well. That’s why “Diary” rocks my socks.

  • Nomi December 11th, 2013 8:47 PM

    Britney: I agree with you, and I think your philosophy club teacher is under the mistaken impression that it is easier to be optimistic than it is to be cynical. I think most teenagers are totally entitled to be cynical because they’ve seen enough of the world that they’ve been disillusioned from the fairy tale like atmosphere of childhood or whatever, and I think it’s harder to see past the malice expressed in most of the world and actually see the good side of life.

  • nancyboy December 11th, 2013 8:56 PM

    “My philosophy club adviser said that he hates seeing teenagers who are cynics, because they have not seen enough of the world to dismiss it as a sinking pit. But I think it works the opposite way: Until I get to see more of the world than the one I’ve lived in for 14 years, and until I meet people who don’t all turn out to be the same, I don’t know how I can be anything other than cynical.”

    Holy truth-bomb batman! Seriously that was so well put and just true, ugh. I think I am a little less cynical than I was as a teen actually, because I have been able to find my people, despite all the other sometimes really awful things that have happened. Hang in there.

  • Tiger December 11th, 2013 9:57 PM

    naomi, this was beautiful <3

  • Jes December 11th, 2013 10:06 PM

    yooooo so tru britney. people who expect everyone to be cheerful about the world around them/don’t understand why teenagers are having a hard time can shove it.

  • flapperhatgirl December 11th, 2013 10:37 PM

    Britney: we rookie readers care for you and support you. I hope we can make you feel uplifted and valuable even if the people directly in your life can’t.

  • julalondon December 11th, 2013 10:45 PM

    Naomi; i loved your diary so so so so much this week!

  • luanda jabur December 12th, 2013 4:41 AM

    oh naomi! it’s beautiful seeing a woman embracing love! so beautiful

  • Shanlew December 12th, 2013 4:47 AM

    Ruby, to quote one of my favourite songs; “no one knows what the future holds, if we just hold on then maybe life could be sweet”. I’ve been like that before and I know things will get better!

  • paige.xo December 12th, 2013 5:25 AM

    Naomi, how are you always so relevant? love everything you wrote

  • queenofnothing December 12th, 2013 6:11 AM

    Oh Ruby, I feel the same way recently! Each line of your entry is so relatable for me. Your words are so beautiful and so sad, but somehow they made me feel better. It’s just very comforting to know, that somewhere there is a person that feels as shitty and hopeless as me. I don’t know when this feeling of emptiness will pass, when I will be inspired again, when I will be ready to go out and enjoy things that I used to enjoy. But I wish you that with all my heart.

  • Sophii December 12th, 2013 6:26 AM

    Naomi, your experiences at the moment sound so magical :’) Ruby, the most recent comment on these entries quotes a song so I’m going to do the same. ‘All Things Must Pass’ by George Harrison when he sings ‘darkness only stays the night-time, in the morning it will fade away, daylight is good at arriving at the right time, its not always going to be this grey, all things must pass, all things must pass away.’ I listen to it a lot when I’m feeling sad or am in a bad place mentally. Britney, I relate so much to what you are saying; especially ‘I thought this would be one of the best years of my life, but all it has done is make me feel uglier inside and out.’ It’s so easy to be cynical as a teenager because we’re so trapped by our own lives in many ways. Sure, we haven’t seen all the bad things in the world but we haven’t seen the good things either. Plus, the bad things are much more noticeable because they are always on the news. I hope that things start to get better for you and for Ruby xoxo

    http://prettypassionsfinefashions.blogspot.co.uk

  • whiskeytangofoxtrot December 12th, 2013 8:54 AM

    Ruby, if my soul/spirit/energy/whatever it is that makes me me could make its way out of this vessel I walk around in and head over to where you are and comfort your soul/spirit/energy/whatever it is that makes you you, and make everything okay, it would. Unfortunately the world doesn’t work this way, but that’s what I would do.

    In lieu of that kind of magic, please know that I and others, as is often evidenced by the comments on your diary, are thinking of you often.

    You have this entire plethora of people in your corner, even if you can’t see them or know who they are.

  • lexilikes December 12th, 2013 10:47 AM

    Naomi your words are magical <3 Britney the last paragraph is so true

    http://www.lexilikes.com

  • Chloe22 December 12th, 2013 10:59 AM

    Britney, that is so true! If I had to judge the world, or life for that matter, on my teen years, I think I would want to just die. Every period in your life has benefits and negatives, but being a teenager, for me, is a nightmare. The thing that keeps me going is that when I’m an adult I can finally get a job in fashion, which is the most fulfilling thing for me, besides my religion or family. Your posts are always so insightful and interesting, instead of just being whiny like me :p
    http://rhinestonemoon.blogspot.com/

  • enthusiastictruckdriver December 12th, 2013 11:29 AM

    Britney, the last sentence of your entry feels like something I’ve been wanting to say for a long time. I feel like it’s true: I don’t think I’ve experienced enough of the world, and even though I know there’s a lot out there to be excited and unjaded about, I can’t bring myself to feel okay about myself and my surrounding when I go to a school where most things make me feel horrible. I know we always try to idealize the future, but I sincerely believe that things will be okay once I see more of the world and find my place in it. I hope it is the same for you, stay strong and hang in there!

  • honorarygilmoregal December 12th, 2013 4:13 PM

    I know it’s been said before in these comments, but I love the last paragraph of Britney’s entry. So true <3

    Caitlin, I love your artwork, as always :)

  • Rushmore December 13th, 2013 12:10 AM

    Ruby, I’ve also been feeling depressed lately and binge listening to sad music. For me it’s usually Elliott Smith. Lately I’ve been trying to switch it up and listen to ABBA http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xFrGuyw1V8s
    I hope you feel better and your life gets to be as good as an ABBA song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39M16Z2aYYk

  • midnightcall December 26th, 2013 3:34 PM

    I want to live inside Naomi’s entry <3