I am the epitome of the human fickleness that made ancient Greek gods so hell-bent on destroying us mortals once we’d discovered indecisiveness. I change my mind so often that it hurts. I wish I could blame it on genetics or something uncontrollable, but I think the reason is a scary mixture of my own brain’s underlying ability to change what I think and feel with such speed that I barely realize it when it happens, and the fact that recently every day has been so unpredictable that I can’t handle it. Observe:
Me, writing a few days ago: For once in my life I like someone who does not make me hate myself, and who is there in my mind when I am stressed out or when I am feeling so much rage towards people and school and my entire existence. I don’t feel like I sound “boy crazy,” because my reasons for liking him aren’t along the lines of “I don’t know, I guess because he’s cute,” or anything else I have said about a boy in the past. He makes me feel a genuine, uncontrollable joy that is so pure that I can’t help immortalizing it here in writing. I write the lyrics to “Drain You” on my right hand every day in blue ink, and the last time I cried, I thought about him without meaning to and the tears stopped. That’s never happened to me before with anyone, ever.
Me, writing today: He makes me feel as vulnerable as everyone else does, and every minute of sitting in the same room with him makes me feel like there is a room of pain inside my cranium that my thoughts seem to be locked in. All I want to do around him is cry, but if I did he would just look at me and then move away. He is like everyone else. He thinks I am too weird to talk to, too weird to be friends with, and I could never, ever tell him anything about my thoughts because I know for sure that he would flee. I wish I could say I was just being paranoid, when I looked at him I saw it in his eyes, and I felt it when he jumped away when his foot accidentally touched mine. I felt like he was carving out my organs.
I am so stupid sometimes. This is a mantra that must be repeated and taken daily like vitamins because I need to realize this if I am going to survive.
I would laugh at how silly this is, but it isn’t even silly, it’s just pathetic. ♦