Dear Diary

November 20, 2013

People are the worst, too bad we need them.

Britney

I am the epitome of the human fickleness that made ancient Greek gods so hell-bent on destroying us mortals once we’d discovered indecisiveness. I change my mind so often that it hurts. I wish I could blame it on genetics or something uncontrollable, but I think the reason is a scary mixture of my own brain’s underlying ability to change what I think and feel with such speed that I barely realize it when it happens, and the fact that recently every day has been so unpredictable that I can’t handle it. Observe:

Me, writing a few days ago: For once in my life I like someone who does not make me hate myself, and who is there in my mind when I am stressed out or when I am feeling so much rage towards people and school and my entire existence. I don’t feel like I sound “boy crazy,” because my reasons for liking him aren’t along the lines of “I don’t know, I guess because he’s cute,” or anything else I have said about a boy in the past. He makes me feel a genuine, uncontrollable joy that is so pure that I can’t help immortalizing it here in writing. I write the lyrics to “Drain You” on my right hand every day in blue ink, and the last time I cried, I thought about him without meaning to and the tears stopped. That’s never happened to me before with anyone, ever.

Me, writing today: He makes me feel as vulnerable as everyone else does, and every minute of sitting in the same room with him makes me feel like there is a room of pain inside my cranium that my thoughts seem to be locked in. All I want to do around him is cry, but if I did he would just look at me and then move away. He is like everyone else. He thinks I am too weird to talk to, too weird to be friends with, and I could never, ever tell him anything about my thoughts because I know for sure that he would flee. I wish I could say I was just being paranoid, when I looked at him I saw it in his eyes, and I felt it when he jumped away when his foot accidentally touched mine. I felt like he was carving out my organs.

I am so stupid sometimes. This is a mantra that must be repeated and taken daily like vitamins because I need to realize this if I am going to survive.

I would laugh at how silly this is, but it isn’t even silly, it’s just pathetic. ♦

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15 Comments

  • kolumbia November 20th, 2013 7:27 PM

    Naomi, what you wrote in your CW class resonates so deeply with me. I’m in the throes of an agonizing crush, and your thoughts clarified a lot of what I’ve been feeling lately. I’ve realized that I need to work on myself first and then figure things out with this boy. So thanks.

  • Viaperson November 20th, 2013 7:34 PM

    britney: <3 you are so good, at all times. don't worry, don't worry, don't worry.

  • jedarq93 November 20th, 2013 7:50 PM

    Naomi, :c I don’t have the moral right to say this, but there are certain things I wish I had done when I had the chance, and I didn’t because thought it was not the right time; there always will be doubts, we will think about the pros and cons, but the life doesn’t stops for us, we have to make a desicions, whatever you feel like, we’ll be ok. Sorry, I’m in the romantic mood , for some of us relationships happen once in an aeon, it gives the perspective that THAT kind of connection with another human being is not that regular, it’s all about reciprocity! Also there must be (under a igneous stone probably) some way to love without aching or feeling ill, I keep believing… So good luck with your week and your writting is lovely, so nostalgic!
    pd: oh, leather jackets.

  • rhymeswithorange November 20th, 2013 8:31 PM

    All great entries this week. Hang in there everyone <3

  • Monica B November 20th, 2013 11:50 PM

    Katherine, I relate to you every week. It’s getting to be out of hand.

  • Gabrielle Kristine November 20th, 2013 11:57 PM

    Ruby, your last line hit me like a pile of bricks! I know what you’re going through. I have felt that way for quite some time now.

  • elliecp November 21st, 2013 2:40 AM

    ugh I love this section

    http://roseandvintage.blogspot.com/

  • Sophii November 21st, 2013 3:11 PM

    The Rookie diary entries are possibly the posts that I look forward to most. Katherine, I really relate to what you’ve written xoxo

    http://prettypassionsfinefashions.blogspot.co.uk

  • honorarygilmoregal November 21st, 2013 4:42 PM

    Katherine, I relate to your entry so much it isn’t even funny. And Brittany, being indecisive sucks, I know. I feel ya. But you are so NOT pathetic <3

    http://perkstobeinginfinite.tumblr.com

  • Tiger November 21st, 2013 8:31 PM

    I love you all so much

  • moon_in_love November 21st, 2013 11:06 PM

    Hi Naomi, you feel in the same way I do.
    Do you have a Tumblr?

  • Rebdomine November 22nd, 2013 4:37 AM

    Ruby <3

  • letamartini November 23rd, 2013 5:56 AM

    Naomi Christina – I am totally convinced we should best friends

    • Naomi November 23rd, 2013 7:52 PM

      well that’s just lovely – let’s