Dear Diary

November 20, 2013

People are the worst, too bad we need them.

Ruby

“I’ve definitely become more of a cynic since we’ve really started spending time together,” he said once.

“That’s no good. I’m sorry.”

“No, I think it’s good, and that being an idealist is just…wrong. It’s not realistic. Some things are more important than happiness.”

A month later we are in a graveyard. I have spent too much time in this cemetery, reading, writing, crying. It’s nice because it feels like you’re in a park, but no one is ever around. It’s beautiful in the fall—the light shining through the orange and yellow leaves and reflecting off the stones, creating rainbows and a golden blanket over the grass. But now it is the dawn of winter, very dark and drizzling slightly, just a little too cold to go without a couple layers of flannel or fleece.

I want to know everything about him. That’s the only way I can know how this might end, so I can prepare myself. I told myself before that I wouldn’t make myself vulnerable enough to experience complete heartbreak, that if I got into another relationship I’d make sure it stayed shallow, not letting someone break the skin of my mental state and mess around in there. I’d make certain they wouldn’t know any more about me than, say, the readers of my writing. Then again, I also told myself I’d be safe. I tell myself a lot of things.

We spend the majority of our free time together. He is definitely my best friend. I never planned to care so deeply about him. We hug often, but we don’t hold hands. I think that it is nice to never hold hands. It makes it more important when I’m in his arms—it feels almost desperate. It also means that there’s something small missing, so I don’t feel like I’ve broken my promise to myself completely. I’m not completely vulnerable if there’s something I want that’s not there, however tiny. I’ll be OK. I won’t be broken.

I light a cigarette. I don’t know why. I found it in the glove compartment of his car. He takes it from me without really moving and stomps it out. I wonder if I should pick it up and dispose of it properly, but it’s too dark for me to find it even if I wanted to.

“I miss so many people,” I tell a long-distance friend later that night. “All my friends are becoming distant. I’ve already lost some, and others are slipping away. Out of all the people I’ve ever loved, less than a handful are left.”

I think about how I am no longer vulnerable to anyone. They’ve all left me. I want them back. ♦

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15 Comments

  • kolumbia November 20th, 2013 7:27 PM

    Naomi, what you wrote in your CW class resonates so deeply with me. I’m in the throes of an agonizing crush, and your thoughts clarified a lot of what I’ve been feeling lately. I’ve realized that I need to work on myself first and then figure things out with this boy. So thanks.

  • Viaperson November 20th, 2013 7:34 PM

    britney: <3 you are so good, at all times. don't worry, don't worry, don't worry.

  • jedarq93 November 20th, 2013 7:50 PM

    Naomi, :c I don’t have the moral right to say this, but there are certain things I wish I had done when I had the chance, and I didn’t because thought it was not the right time; there always will be doubts, we will think about the pros and cons, but the life doesn’t stops for us, we have to make a desicions, whatever you feel like, we’ll be ok. Sorry, I’m in the romantic mood , for some of us relationships happen once in an aeon, it gives the perspective that THAT kind of connection with another human being is not that regular, it’s all about reciprocity! Also there must be (under a igneous stone probably) some way to love without aching or feeling ill, I keep believing… So good luck with your week and your writting is lovely, so nostalgic!
    pd: oh, leather jackets.

  • rhymeswithorange November 20th, 2013 8:31 PM

    All great entries this week. Hang in there everyone <3

  • Monica B November 20th, 2013 11:50 PM

    Katherine, I relate to you every week. It’s getting to be out of hand.

  • Gabrielle Kristine November 20th, 2013 11:57 PM

    Ruby, your last line hit me like a pile of bricks! I know what you’re going through. I have felt that way for quite some time now.

  • elliecp November 21st, 2013 2:40 AM

    ugh I love this section

    http://roseandvintage.blogspot.com/

  • Sophii November 21st, 2013 3:11 PM

    The Rookie diary entries are possibly the posts that I look forward to most. Katherine, I really relate to what you’ve written xoxo

    http://prettypassionsfinefashions.blogspot.co.uk

  • honorarygilmoregal November 21st, 2013 4:42 PM

    Katherine, I relate to your entry so much it isn’t even funny. And Brittany, being indecisive sucks, I know. I feel ya. But you are so NOT pathetic <3

    http://perkstobeinginfinite.tumblr.com

  • Tiger November 21st, 2013 8:31 PM

    I love you all so much

  • moon_in_love November 21st, 2013 11:06 PM

    Hi Naomi, you feel in the same way I do.
    Do you have a Tumblr?

  • Rebdomine November 22nd, 2013 4:37 AM

    Ruby <3

  • letamartini November 23rd, 2013 5:56 AM

    Naomi Christina – I am totally convinced we should best friends

    • Naomi November 23rd, 2013 7:52 PM

      well that’s just lovely – let’s