It’s odd how quickly one can go from being overwhelmed by too much of everything to feeling completely empty. There’s a loneliness that lives inside me, constantly grooming me and demanding my attention until sometimes I spend entire weekends in tears, mentally ripping myself apart.
Sometimes people help. Not by trying to help, just by being there. I wish I could always have hope in these people and in myself and the future and everyone that I love, but hopefulness always fades away. I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want this pessimism to drag me down or ruin my life, but I can’t control it.
I don’t know where this inner void comes from—sometimes I think it must be from a past life, because there’s nothing in my current one that explains it. If I could blame it on something supernatural, I wouldn’t have to wonder why my brain is this way or why everywhere I go there are people who seem to hate me for no reason or why I get in the way of anything good that tries to enter my life. It’s awful to realize that the only dark forces working against me come from me. I am probably my own worst enemy, and if I were left alone for a week, there would be nothing left of me—I would destroy myself.
A few things make me feel a little less disturbed: writing, dancing, talking to friends. Writing this diary entry is one of the highlights of my day so far, and the promise of getting to see friends tomorrow that I haven’t seen in months is keeping me afloat.
Right now I can indulge in these things. I’m not getting in their way, I’m letting them into my life. It feels good. It’s opening up a curious, creative, healthy part of me. I’m making stuff, I’m taking things in, listening to what I want to, thinking about what I want to, talking about what I want to, and wearing what I want to. I feel like I have almost no inhibitions, and it doesn’t scare me—it excites me, because everyone should feel this way. I am not controlled by my dark thoughts; they are a balloon tied to my wrist, following me wherever I go, but I am in the lead. They don’t consume me. I don’t even care about them right now, that’s how little they matter.
I want this feeling to last forever. ♦