Dear Diary

November 13, 2013

Small risks and tiny adventures.

Britney

It’s odd how quickly one can go from being overwhelmed by too much of everything to feeling completely empty. There’s a loneliness that lives inside me, constantly grooming me and demanding my attention until sometimes I spend entire weekends in tears, mentally ripping myself apart.

Sometimes people help. Not by trying to help, just by being there. I wish I could always have hope in these people and in myself and the future and everyone that I love, but hopefulness always fades away. I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want this pessimism to drag me down or ruin my life, but I can’t control it.

I don’t know where this inner void comes from—sometimes I think it must be from a past life, because there’s nothing in my current one that explains it. If I could blame it on something supernatural, I wouldn’t have to wonder why my brain is this way or why everywhere I go there are people who seem to hate me for no reason or why I get in the way of anything good that tries to enter my life. It’s awful to realize that the only dark forces working against me come from me. I am probably my own worst enemy, and if I were left alone for a week, there would be nothing left of me—I would destroy myself.

A few things make me feel a little less disturbed: writing, dancing, talking to friends. Writing this diary entry is one of the highlights of my day so far, and the promise of getting to see friends tomorrow that I haven’t seen in months is keeping me afloat.

Right now I can indulge in these things. I’m not getting in their way, I’m letting them into my life. It feels good. It’s opening up a curious, creative, healthy part of me. I’m making stuff, I’m taking things in, listening to what I want to, thinking about what I want to, talking about what I want to, and wearing what I want to. I feel like I have almost no inhibitions, and it doesn’t scare me—it excites me, because everyone should feel this way. I am not controlled by my dark thoughts; they are a balloon tied to my wrist, following me wherever I go, but I am in the lead. They don’t consume me. I don’t even care about them right now, that’s how little they matter.

I want this feeling to last forever. ♦

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15 Comments

  • martaosbourne November 13th, 2013 7:32 PM

    oh my god naomi that was beautiful

  • Maki Unicorn November 13th, 2013 9:25 PM

    i noticed that many american/english/australian girls visit a psychologist on a regular basis. While in Russia it’s not common at all. i find it pretty interesting.

    http://dinosaurvsshark.blogspot.jp/

  • charlottemh November 13th, 2013 10:03 PM

    I love everything that you write Naomi! Largely because I relate to basically everything that you write about, having moved from my hometown to a much bigger and exciting city for uni. And your pieces about going home to your parents and hometown is exactly how I felt.
    Thank you for putting it into words :)

  • Tangerine November 13th, 2013 10:26 PM

    I relate to Katherine’s entry very much. My depression symptoms have really been acting up this year, and more than ever, the one that is driving me nuts is “fog brain.” It’s nearly impossible to read anything, even for pleasure, and I feel like my brain is encased in tar.

  • julalondon November 13th, 2013 10:46 PM

    Naomi, i can totally relate to what you wrote about London; i used to lived there (wish i still would) and the sentence “London has enabled me to be the person that i feel i am meant to be, while i still hold within me, at my core, a sense of my hometown” sums up my feelings about that city perfectly!

  • Special_Snowflake November 13th, 2013 11:08 PM

    ” I am not controlled by my dark thoughts; they are a balloon tied to my wrist, following me wherever I go, but I am in the lead.”

    This is such a beautiful metaphor, thank you Britney <3

  • taratwinkle November 13th, 2013 11:28 PM

    I feel like that a lot right now Britney.. “I am probably my own worst enemy, and if I were left alone for a week, there would be nothing left of me—I would destroy myself.” Yes. Exactly.

  • Fasai November 14th, 2013 8:14 AM

    Dear Kathrine,

    i’m 24 years old and studying my master at uni. i used to read a lot too when i was younger but now i kind of stopped or it’s more 10-20 pages per week for pleasure. of course i have to read a lot for uni but still i feel that my brain is slowlier than it used to be.

    i realised that the main reasons is not my brain but the books i read. they’re more difficult so they take more time to read. it’s perfectly normal.

    i never went to a counselor and it sounds kind of drastic to me (but then again i’m from germany, it’s probably a culture-thing)

    well what i wanted to say. chin up. you seem alright and not lazy. give yourself a break. you shouldn’t force yourself to do something.

    greetings!

  • JessicaTree November 14th, 2013 9:25 AM

    I feel like I have so much in common with Naomi,
    I am at uni in London and my hometown is warwick in England so I can relate to a lot of your entries and its so good to see a different perspective from a similar experience. this post especially made me feel grounded. <3

  • Flossy Mae November 14th, 2013 12:31 PM

    I love that Naomi…I live in London and have done all my life as I’m yet to fly the nest, and it is literally the best place I know. Ever. The way you describe it, although I don’t exactly have a ‘hometown’ to compare it to, just fits.

  • sloththefifth November 14th, 2013 1:18 PM

    I’m living for Naomi’s diaries lately

  • RockHatesMiriam November 14th, 2013 5:16 PM

    NAOMI its like you can read my mind! I was thinking the exact same thing when i was in brick lane the other day…everything seem so close together in london, and there’s so much cool stuff happening!

    http://boredcouture.bigcartel.com/

  • eesmee November 14th, 2013 5:47 PM

    Naomi, I’m hoping to go to uni in London next year and your diaries are making me sooooo excited

  • Sarah Moon November 18th, 2013 4:04 AM

    Hey Britney,

    Loved this entry! I can really relate to everything you wrote about. I hope you continue feeling good and being creative :))