“What if my mouth gets tired during oral sex and I can’t go on?”
Lola: Your mouth is going to get tired. Faking your own death is the only option; tell your sweetie you have to go to the bathroom for a second.
Krista: When your tongue feels like it’s going to fall off and you feel like you OMG cannot keep going for ONE MORE SECOND, just…take a break. As we have established, you are a human, with human limits. You are not an oral-sex machine, programmed to keep going nonstop for as long as it takes to get someone off. You can take little breaks, going and then stopping for a bit, then going again.
Lola: I like to get really concrete with people in this situation. “Do you want me to keep going?” is a good one, because sometimes maybe they DON’T want to come. Maybe they’re just being polite, and are secretly like, Oh my god when is this going to end. Or you could just guide their hand onto their business as a hint that you need an assist.
“What if the condom breaks?”
Lola: If the condom breaks or comes off during vaginal intercourse, stop having intercourse and wash up like you normally would—DO NOT USE A DOUCHE to try to flush the semen out of your vagina, as this will increase your risk of infection. Go to the drugstore or a Planned Parenthood and get some emergency contraception, aka the morning-after pill. There are two kinds—their brand names are Plan B and Ella—and they are effective for preventing pregnancy if taken within 120 hours of the broken-condom incident (but the sooner the better). (A copper IUD can also be put in for EC, but there are often barriers that make it hard to get it within the 72-hour timeframe for effectiveness.) The best way to prep for this Worst Fear Come True is to always have emergency contraception on hand just in case. If you’re in the U.S., the Emergency Contraception Website can help you locate a source. No matter where you are, the site also has instructions on how to safely take “regular” birth control pills at a dose that provides emergency contraception.
“What if I queef?”
Lola: Whilst at rest, the vagina isn’t “open”–the walls touch each other, like a balloon that’s deflated. During ~arousal~ the vagina lengthens and expands, creating space that air (and other things) can get into. If something enters the vagina in this state, it pushes out the air. And, staying with our balloon analogy, we all know what happens when you force the air out of an inflated balloon really fast: It makes a farting noise. The same thing happens when a pocket of air is forced out of your vag by an invading object. This article says that the risk of queefing is increased “the more times a penis is completely withdrawn from the vagina and reinserted,” such as often happens when you change sexual positions. I think it’s safe to extrapolate that this principle probably applies to other penetrative objects. I guess the question for you is: Is changing positions frequently more fun than queefing is embarrassing?
Krista: No, I think the question is, what if you don’t queef? THEN WHAT DO YOU DO???
Krista: There is no way to prevent queefing. Either it happens or it doesn’t, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it, so you can either laugh about it or just ignore it and act like nothing out of the ordinary happened. Because nothing out of the ordinary did happen. PEOPLE QUEEF. It is normal!
LIVED TO BONE ANOTHER DAY: Our very own Amy Rose. Here is her easy “how to queef on command” tutorial:
You just lie on your back and throw your legs all around and bicycle them until the magic happens and all your dorm room girlfriends die laughing.
“What if there’s blood?”
Lola: People bleed after sex for a lot of different reasons, ranging from the totally harmless (friction, not enough lube) to conditions that need medical attention, like chlamydia. If you experience this and don’t know why it’s happening, it’s worth getting checked out, even if it’s just to be reassured that nothing serious is going on.
A lot of people with vaginas bleed the first time they have intercourse because the corona (previously known as the hymen) has been torn or stretched out really fast, but the vast majority don’t. If you don’t bleed the first time you’re penetrated by something (fingers, tampon, penis, toy, whatever), that doesn’t mean you weren’t a “virgin.” It just means your corona was already torn or stretched or that it wasn’t in the way or that it wasn’t there in the first place. Again, this = most people.
Krista: Sometimes, after rough or extensive sex with penises or fingers, or when there’s not enough lubrication, the vagina can bleed just a little bit for no particular reason. Also, sometimes you’re on your period, which is—you guessed it—NBD.
Lola: If having period sex skeeves you out, don’t do it. It’s OK for you or your partner to be grossed out or not grossed out. Sometimes, even though a sex thing is normal and not medically dangerous and doesn’t interfere with anything and many would find it of little to no consequence, people can’t hang. That’s your right. But know this: Sometimes, even with the best scheduling, the uterus is NOT havin’ it. There is a sudden rebellion. The sheets get bloody anyway. If this happens, panic not. Read this Hairpin article, in which a roundtable of writers offer their very different positions on period sex (and different solutions for bloodstains), and feel normal.