I like the stillness of school in the morning, particularly today, because everything seems like it is coming together, and I need to time to reflect on that.
The past weekend is like a security blanket, something I can clutch tightly at any point during the day when I might need it, but I don’t think I will. Seeing Tavi’s talk on Saturday with a friend, spending hours with the rest of the staff, and then going to the Rookie event the next day feels like a dream, and I don’t want to let go of it. It’s propelling me forward rather than forcing me to cling to it, because the present is no longer too horrible to handle.
I don’t feel like an outsider anymore. It is the result of a convergence of things: the new girl at my high school who seems to understand me more than most people than I have ever met, even though she only transferred here a week ago; being a part of this huge community of lovely people who accept me, which sounds like something my junior high school guidance counselor would say, but it’s a true sentiment and I love it; my philosophy club, which has so far been a divining rod for everything amazing in my freshman year.
My mind is so much clearer now—I feel pretty bogged down with schoolwork, but I don’t feel like my thoughts are chained to the sadness that used to haunt me. Even talking about it feels like I am trying to recount the details of a past life. I am too content to have it any other way. ♦