Dear Diary

October 9, 2013

Everything has changed.


I like the stillness of school in the morning, particularly today, because everything seems like it is coming together, and I need to time to reflect on that.

The past weekend is like a security blanket, something I can clutch tightly at any point during the day when I might need it, but I don’t think I will. Seeing Tavi’s talk on Saturday with a friend, spending hours with the rest of the staff, and then going to the Rookie event the next day feels like a dream, and I don’t want to let go of it. It’s propelling me forward rather than forcing me to cling to it, because the present is no longer too horrible to handle.

I don’t feel like an outsider anymore. It is the result of a convergence of things: the new girl at my high school who seems to understand me more than most people than I have ever met, even though she only transferred here a week ago; being a part of this huge community of lovely people who accept me, which sounds like something my junior high school guidance counselor would say, but it’s a true sentiment and I love it; my philosophy club, which has so far been a divining rod for everything amazing in my freshman year.

My mind is so much clearer now—I feel pretty bogged down with schoolwork, but I don’t feel like my thoughts are chained to the sadness that used to haunt me. Even talking about it feels like I am trying to recount the details of a past life. I am too content to have it any other way. ♦


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  • Chloe22 October 9th, 2013 7:38 PM

    ”Wuthering Heights” is my favorite song of all time, besides like every old song of the Rolling Stones. It’s like this magical experience.
    P.S.. This has been on my mind for a while- are you guys looking for any new diarists? I’m not looking to push anyone out ( i love all of them!) but would you be looking for anyone to join? Thanks! I just REALLY love journaling!!!

  • eza_236 October 9th, 2013 7:55 PM

    This is exactly how I feel right now and I don’t know what to do about it. Normally I’m a clean freak and my bedroom is spotless but recently everything has been piling up and I have no energy to do anything about it. I go home and lay on my floor (the part I can see under everything) and just wait for night to come so I can sleep and then wake up and do nothing all over again. It’s a bottomless pit and I just want to stop falling.

  • EmilyJn October 9th, 2013 8:03 PM

    ‘Erica’ x

  • juliemoon October 9th, 2013 8:16 PM

    I am surviving high school this week solely because I can’t stop thinking about Sunday. Like I am floating on a cloud composed of girl power and cute outfits and I never want to come off. Pushing through the mediocrity and pointlessness that is high school is tough but my cloud of awesomeness is helpin’ me trudge through. I just hope these positive Rookie vibes carry me through college applications and financial aid seminars and scholarship deadlines and other senior year-ish things.

  • vvk97 October 9th, 2013 8:28 PM

    Naomi, you have described my life… except I’m not in London and I don’t have a cold haha

  • Theb October 9th, 2013 9:53 PM

    Naomi, recently your writing has jumped to a whole new level. Keep on being brave and vulnerable all at awesomely once.

  • speakthroughvision October 9th, 2013 10:14 PM

    Britney, Im glad you’re in a better place now :)

  • Emmie October 9th, 2013 11:45 PM

    Where’s Katherine? Maybe she’s doing homework instead, haha ;)
    anyway, I missed her entry x

  • Eli October 10th, 2013 12:43 AM

    I’m sorry you feel like this.
    I know that nothing I can see can fix anything,
    But I really hope you feel better soon.

  • Mr.Shankly October 10th, 2013 5:10 AM

    “I wake up with on Sunday, probably from time spent in his room singing Smiths songs while he played guitar.”

    I wish I was there.

  • iamrachii October 10th, 2013 7:53 AM

    Naomi, I am hereby inviting you to my flat at any time you desire, as it is mine and my flatmate’s life goal to perfect the Wuthering Heights dance. <3

  • Lucy23 October 10th, 2013 9:43 AM

    Everything I experienced and felt on Saturday and Sunday are like a godsend, carrying me through all the shitty shitty stuff going on in my life right now, starting with Monday with the passing of my grandfather. Thank you Rookie for providing such a wonderful beautiful gift to girlkind

  • sashafayesquash October 10th, 2013 1:57 PM

    Ruby, please feel better! I completely empathise with how you’re feeling and regardless of how disgustingly cliche this sounds, it will get better. You are a very strong person <333

  • enthusiastictruckdriver October 10th, 2013 3:41 PM

    Britney, that was such an uplifting entry, I’m so glad you are happy and I hope it stays that way! Ruby, I wish I could offer you some sort of advice, but all I can say is that I think I know the feeling. The numbness comes over me at the least expected of times, and usually passes… and then there are times when I’m super sensitive to everything, to the point where I can’t handle it. I just try to cherish both, and know that they pass. Good vibes to all of you :)

  • Serena Head October 11th, 2013 5:20 AM

    “It’s propelling me forward rather than forcing me to cling to it, because the present is no longer too horrible to handle.”

    Such a good line Britney! <3

  • thelilacparadox October 12th, 2013 4:16 PM

    I feel numb right now, too, Ruby. You’re not alone. Ever.