Dear Diary

October 23, 2013

Where is everybody??

Ruby

Numbness taking over. No motivation. No fear. No feelings.

I laugh and I cry but I know I’m just trying to fool myself.

What’s going on? Why can’t I just be sad?

I’m not going to be unrealistic and aim for happiness, but that would be nice, too.

I want to get angry when people trip me in the halls. I want to be sad when a friend says something hurtful. I want to be at least vaguely amused at my American history teacher’s poor grammar and limited knowledge about American history.

I’m losing friends, and I’m losing feelings.

I write poetry often because I don’t know what else to write.

My poetry sets a scene instead of an emotion.

All I understand right now is where I am. I am in my bedroom in a skirt and a T-shirt with a bulldog on it, lying on my bed, typing on my laptop.

That’s the only thing I am. ♦

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17 Comments

  • thelilacparadox October 23rd, 2013 7:39 PM

    I love you guys.

    Remember that the world is beautiful, and you are beautiful, and there are so many beautiful things left for you to experience.

    http://paradoxicalmusingsofme.blogspot.com

  • ColoredSoft October 23rd, 2013 8:12 PM

    Naomi – I’m not in college, but I know that feel.
    Katherine – Yes yes I feel you I feel invisible or less real more often than not? I’m also working on being more social…so hard.
    Ruby – I know this feel too? I mean, feeling like you can’t feel nothing? I suspect you already know that this feeling–or rather, lack thereof, will not last for long. Energy just doesn’t just settle, you know? Just be careful and know that you’re amazing. This goes for everyone that’s reading this, actually
    Britney – yay!

    • Maki Unicorn October 23rd, 2013 10:35 PM

      your comment surprised me a lot when i read it. i was like “how can she possibly feel the same feelings that all the girls do?”. that was before i read their diary entries. well, i still can’t understand Katherine’s feeling of being invisible, for example (although, i’m not a social person at all / i’ve no friends / i started homeschooling through my senior year because i couldn’t make myself go to school any longer, i never felt invisible, actually, all this time i felt pretty damn real). but what i can comprehend is the fact that the autumn depression is in full swing now and it’s.. well.. SO SAD I WANT TO CRY ;(

      http://dinosaurvsshark.blogspot.jp/

  • Emmie October 23rd, 2013 9:35 PM

    Katherine, I wish I lived in your dorm so we could hang out. You are super cool.

  • Monica B October 23rd, 2013 10:13 PM

    AGH! Ruby I feel like that often. It makes me more nervous when winter is coming around because winter = school monotony + no sunshine = depression and that equation is never balanced. I hope it goes away for you. Much love

  • eremiomania October 23rd, 2013 11:46 PM

    For once, I cannot relate to any of the entries and I think that’s a good thing. Monotony is good. I enjoy my schedules, it keeps me alert but I’m not over thinking. I’m feeling things in the moment and I don’t have lingering thoughts. I feel like I’m in a good place right now and I think it will last.

  • Aiyana October 24th, 2013 12:15 AM

    Harold and Maude started my obsession with hearses.

  • rhymeswithorange October 24th, 2013 12:29 AM

    I love your writing Katherine!! Never stop

  • dragonfly October 24th, 2013 12:45 AM

    I LOVE YOU GUYS

  • Isobelley October 24th, 2013 1:27 AM

    Katherine, maybe you are experiencing derealization

  • julalondon October 24th, 2013 3:20 AM

    Naomi, when i read your diary entry today, my heart stood still for a second, because you kind of exactly described the situation i have with a guy right now. We only met like a month ago and are meeting up a lot, we’ve also kissed already but talked about that we both don’t want a relationship right now as it is too early. We get along so well and talk about EVERYTHING but i always wonder whether i have the same feelings for him as he has for me. I like him a lot and aaargh i don’t know what i want and what is the right thing to do. Maybe i fall too quickly as well. I’m so confused about everything, especially about myself.

  • Mimi7 October 24th, 2013 10:38 AM

    Your writing is so beautiful Ruby. It makes me happy just knowing that writing can be done so well.

  • Ella W October 24th, 2013 11:24 AM

    I think all 5 of these are some of my favourite diaries ever on Rookie..

  • elliecp October 24th, 2013 1:23 PM

    These are all so amazing in their own ways. I love this so much, so relatable! I feel less alone <3

    http://roseandvintage.blogspot.com/

  • maxrey October 24th, 2013 2:09 PM

    Totally relate to Naomi’s last sentiment about not wanting a relationship but selfishly wanting a boy.

    Also, HAROLD & MAUDE <3 <3 <3

  • 3LL3NH October 24th, 2013 3:08 PM

    Katherine, that was exactly what I needed. I hope you’re enjoying school.

    These were all… thawing.

  • rosyradiance October 24th, 2013 6:48 PM

    Katherine- Your writing inspires me