Dear Diary

October 23, 2013

Where is everybody??


Today in the woods at the edge of campus, a St. Bernard ran into me and pressed his wet snout against my right hand. It was sweet and goofy. I wanted to say hi and pet him, but his owners called him back. I walked past a professor who knows I’m woefully behind in my work, and almost felt bad about spending a lot of time in those woods this weekend (and going to the mall and the movies the night before). I think a woman saw me wipe a booger on the leaf of a tree.

On my way into the wooded area, I saw a woman and a teenager sitting on a tree that had fallen over the water. They were beautiful, so on my way out I sat where they had sat for a long time before I went back to campus and I felt beautiful but not like myself. I could not feel my own existence. I stared down at a spot where a bunch of leaves had dammed up in the water. I stared at the leaves, and what looked like someone’s phlegm, and the rocks below the surface of the water. Nothing feels real. Writing about it doesn’t make it feel more real, because writing just turns experience into something else.

The night before, after I got home from the movies and read for a while, I heard voices outside my cracked window. I stood up and looked out. If I’m close to the window, I always look when I hear people pass by—I don’t understand people who do homework in public and don’t look at all the people passing by.

I leaned forward and saw two dudes. “Hi,” one said. His tone was very LOL so I felt LOL and was like, “Hey, ’sup.” Then his friend looked up and was like, “Hey, have a good night,” and I was like “Yeah, thanks. Goodnight,” and I smiled. I always feel invisible when I look at people, but this was like someone throwing dust on me to make my form apparent. It felt OK. It made me know that I am present but didn’t help me feel reality much more keenly—it was still something that happened in a dream state.

I wonder if being around people more will help me feel more real. It never has in the past, but I’m still going to try. People tell me that alcohol will help me talk to strangers at parties (which I’m supposed to do because I haven’t joined anything and party is what you do to meet people if you don’t join anything), but that complicates things because alcohol always makes me feel wayyyy less real. I’m not sure what can help me sense reality. I sense that this will not be resolved soon. ♦


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  • thelilacparadox October 23rd, 2013 7:39 PM

    I love you guys.

    Remember that the world is beautiful, and you are beautiful, and there are so many beautiful things left for you to experience.

  • ColoredSoft October 23rd, 2013 8:12 PM

    Naomi – I’m not in college, but I know that feel.
    Katherine – Yes yes I feel you I feel invisible or less real more often than not? I’m also working on being more social…so hard.
    Ruby – I know this feel too? I mean, feeling like you can’t feel nothing? I suspect you already know that this feeling–or rather, lack thereof, will not last for long. Energy just doesn’t just settle, you know? Just be careful and know that you’re amazing. This goes for everyone that’s reading this, actually
    Britney – yay!

    • Maki Unicorn October 23rd, 2013 10:35 PM

      your comment surprised me a lot when i read it. i was like “how can she possibly feel the same feelings that all the girls do?”. that was before i read their diary entries. well, i still can’t understand Katherine’s feeling of being invisible, for example (although, i’m not a social person at all / i’ve no friends / i started homeschooling through my senior year because i couldn’t make myself go to school any longer, i never felt invisible, actually, all this time i felt pretty damn real). but what i can comprehend is the fact that the autumn depression is in full swing now and it’s.. well.. SO SAD I WANT TO CRY ;(

  • Emmie October 23rd, 2013 9:35 PM

    Katherine, I wish I lived in your dorm so we could hang out. You are super cool.

  • Monica B October 23rd, 2013 10:13 PM

    AGH! Ruby I feel like that often. It makes me more nervous when winter is coming around because winter = school monotony + no sunshine = depression and that equation is never balanced. I hope it goes away for you. Much love

  • eremiomania October 23rd, 2013 11:46 PM

    For once, I cannot relate to any of the entries and I think that’s a good thing. Monotony is good. I enjoy my schedules, it keeps me alert but I’m not over thinking. I’m feeling things in the moment and I don’t have lingering thoughts. I feel like I’m in a good place right now and I think it will last.

  • Aiyana October 24th, 2013 12:15 AM

    Harold and Maude started my obsession with hearses.

  • rhymeswithorange October 24th, 2013 12:29 AM

    I love your writing Katherine!! Never stop

  • dragonfly October 24th, 2013 12:45 AM


  • Isobelley October 24th, 2013 1:27 AM

    Katherine, maybe you are experiencing derealization

  • julalondon October 24th, 2013 3:20 AM

    Naomi, when i read your diary entry today, my heart stood still for a second, because you kind of exactly described the situation i have with a guy right now. We only met like a month ago and are meeting up a lot, we’ve also kissed already but talked about that we both don’t want a relationship right now as it is too early. We get along so well and talk about EVERYTHING but i always wonder whether i have the same feelings for him as he has for me. I like him a lot and aaargh i don’t know what i want and what is the right thing to do. Maybe i fall too quickly as well. I’m so confused about everything, especially about myself.

  • Mimi7 October 24th, 2013 10:38 AM

    Your writing is so beautiful Ruby. It makes me happy just knowing that writing can be done so well.

  • Ella W October 24th, 2013 11:24 AM

    I think all 5 of these are some of my favourite diaries ever on Rookie..

  • elliecp October 24th, 2013 1:23 PM

    These are all so amazing in their own ways. I love this so much, so relatable! I feel less alone <3

  • maxrey October 24th, 2013 2:09 PM

    Totally relate to Naomi’s last sentiment about not wanting a relationship but selfishly wanting a boy.

    Also, HAROLD & MAUDE <3 <3 <3

  • 3LL3NH October 24th, 2013 3:08 PM

    Katherine, that was exactly what I needed. I hope you’re enjoying school.

    These were all… thawing.

  • rosyradiance October 24th, 2013 6:48 PM

    Katherine- Your writing inspires me