Dear Diary

October 23, 2013

Where is everybody??

Naomi

In my first few days of living in London, I explained my situation to everyone: My boyfriend had just broken up with me and I was not capable of thinking about anyone in an even slightly romantic way. I couldn’t imagine crossing the border into more-than-friends territory, not even for a harmless crush. That all changed the moment a certain guy drunkenly whispered an attempt at a Brummie accent in my ear.

It was fun to crush again. My friend Angelface would shout, “I LOVE YOU!” out of the kitchen window when this guy was outside having a smoke. Luckily, I don’t think he ever noticed. I timed my entrances and exits just right in order to bump into him when he came back from music practice with his bass guitar on his back. Then one night as he was leaving the dormitory, I said goodnight and he asked me to wait up for him. We stood by the front door and he asked for my number, and that simple request made me giddy as a child.

The next week after a group of us had gone to the pub, I was properly alone for the first time with said guy. We walked up residential hills in the dark to get to a park near campus that gives a sweeping view of London. Amongst the silver remnants of modern buildings and the cold blue of the London Eye, you can see Big Ben if you look hard enough. We sat on the wet grass for a while, talking a lot. There was static between us, the kind where you know what is coming but you don’t know when. Then it happened: He kissed me. On the way back, we sat on a mattress someone left on the pavement and looked at the one star we could see through the leaves, hanging in the smoggy London sky.

After that the nights seemed starrier and the lights of London brighter. I don’t know why, but his smell was like a tonic. It’s annoying that a boy’s attentions have the power to imbue me with a sense of confidence and security. I loved talking to him. We both stressed that we didn’t want relationships, having both just left ones behind. But alas, it was still too much for him. Perhaps I fall too quickly. I didn’t want a relationship, but I wanted a piece of him for myself.

He was attentive when we were together—we listened to the radio and talked about politics, and he tolerated my feminist rants so wonderfully (and even said he enjoyed them). One time we danced to Madonna in my bedroom while eating pain au chocolat. I always imagined doing little things like that with a boy, but I never thought they would actually happen. Maybe something that pleasant can only ever be fleeting. I took him to bed when he was sick and he told me I was “a beautiful woman”—the first time I can remember being called a woman by a person my own age.

He said he wanted to be properly alone for a while. I also had doubts that a relationship was what I wanted. I certainly didn’t want the constant texting/messaging, letting the other person know what you are doing, the arranging of things—but it still hurts. I don’t want a boyfriend, but I want someone for my own. It’s selfish. I think I made the mistake of thinking I knew what I really wanted, but I can see now that I still have a lot to learn. ♦

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17 Comments

  • thelilacparadox October 23rd, 2013 7:39 PM

    I love you guys.

    Remember that the world is beautiful, and you are beautiful, and there are so many beautiful things left for you to experience.

    http://paradoxicalmusingsofme.blogspot.com

  • ColoredSoft October 23rd, 2013 8:12 PM

    Naomi – I’m not in college, but I know that feel.
    Katherine – Yes yes I feel you I feel invisible or less real more often than not? I’m also working on being more social…so hard.
    Ruby – I know this feel too? I mean, feeling like you can’t feel nothing? I suspect you already know that this feeling–or rather, lack thereof, will not last for long. Energy just doesn’t just settle, you know? Just be careful and know that you’re amazing. This goes for everyone that’s reading this, actually
    Britney – yay!

    • Maki Unicorn October 23rd, 2013 10:35 PM

      your comment surprised me a lot when i read it. i was like “how can she possibly feel the same feelings that all the girls do?”. that was before i read their diary entries. well, i still can’t understand Katherine’s feeling of being invisible, for example (although, i’m not a social person at all / i’ve no friends / i started homeschooling through my senior year because i couldn’t make myself go to school any longer, i never felt invisible, actually, all this time i felt pretty damn real). but what i can comprehend is the fact that the autumn depression is in full swing now and it’s.. well.. SO SAD I WANT TO CRY ;(

      http://dinosaurvsshark.blogspot.jp/

  • Emmie October 23rd, 2013 9:35 PM

    Katherine, I wish I lived in your dorm so we could hang out. You are super cool.

  • Monica B October 23rd, 2013 10:13 PM

    AGH! Ruby I feel like that often. It makes me more nervous when winter is coming around because winter = school monotony + no sunshine = depression and that equation is never balanced. I hope it goes away for you. Much love

  • eremiomania October 23rd, 2013 11:46 PM

    For once, I cannot relate to any of the entries and I think that’s a good thing. Monotony is good. I enjoy my schedules, it keeps me alert but I’m not over thinking. I’m feeling things in the moment and I don’t have lingering thoughts. I feel like I’m in a good place right now and I think it will last.

  • Aiyana October 24th, 2013 12:15 AM

    Harold and Maude started my obsession with hearses.

  • rhymeswithorange October 24th, 2013 12:29 AM

    I love your writing Katherine!! Never stop

  • dragonfly October 24th, 2013 12:45 AM

    I LOVE YOU GUYS

  • Isobelley October 24th, 2013 1:27 AM

    Katherine, maybe you are experiencing derealization

  • julalondon October 24th, 2013 3:20 AM

    Naomi, when i read your diary entry today, my heart stood still for a second, because you kind of exactly described the situation i have with a guy right now. We only met like a month ago and are meeting up a lot, we’ve also kissed already but talked about that we both don’t want a relationship right now as it is too early. We get along so well and talk about EVERYTHING but i always wonder whether i have the same feelings for him as he has for me. I like him a lot and aaargh i don’t know what i want and what is the right thing to do. Maybe i fall too quickly as well. I’m so confused about everything, especially about myself.

  • Mimi7 October 24th, 2013 10:38 AM

    Your writing is so beautiful Ruby. It makes me happy just knowing that writing can be done so well.

  • Ella W October 24th, 2013 11:24 AM

    I think all 5 of these are some of my favourite diaries ever on Rookie..

  • elliecp October 24th, 2013 1:23 PM

    These are all so amazing in their own ways. I love this so much, so relatable! I feel less alone <3

    http://roseandvintage.blogspot.com/

  • maxrey October 24th, 2013 2:09 PM

    Totally relate to Naomi’s last sentiment about not wanting a relationship but selfishly wanting a boy.

    Also, HAROLD & MAUDE <3 <3 <3

  • 3LL3NH October 24th, 2013 3:08 PM

    Katherine, that was exactly what I needed. I hope you’re enjoying school.

    These were all… thawing.

  • rosyradiance October 24th, 2013 6:48 PM

    Katherine- Your writing inspires me