Dear Diary

October 2, 2013

Goodbye to all that.

Britney

I notice things more these days, as if high school has given me a microscope and placed humanity into a slide for me to examine. The fleeting moments that used to escape me are now settling into the palm of my hand, probably because I’ve given up the forced jadedness that I used to think was necessary. I don’t think that I have to go all out to be happy; I can sit under the covers reading Rimbaud and Patti Smith while listening to Led Zeppelin and Nirvana and feel like one of the luckiest people in the world.

I’m obsessed with creation now. I want my hands to always be moving, filling up pages and pages with thoughts and pictures and blurry black lines from my hands smudging the ink from my pen. My journal has stopped being a cemetery for rants and for snarking about how disgusting people are. I don’t want to destroy anything, save for the grief that sometimes plagues me. But I want less and less to smash things, to rip apart thoughts and emotions.

It has a lot to do with my school’s philosophy club, which is a free space where people lie on tables and upperclassmen sit around eating and talking about hedonism and mortality. I never thought I would feel so unobstructed, so bared to the world, but I do there, and I don’t hate it like I thought I would. I feel like I have pulled back a slipcover on my mind and not only absorbed so much, but let pieces of myself out. I feel more whole, like I don’t have to suffocate certain parts of me.

There is still a sadness underneath all of this that battles with the contentedness. I feel it rising inside of me like bile sometimes; other times, it explodes and I wake up sobbing, promising myself that this will be the time that I get help, that I tell someone what is happening. But I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to sum up the thoughts, the worries that penetrate the happiest of moments sometimes. It’s gotten easier to stifle it, though, to shove the feeling away for a while. ♦

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20 Comments

  • Viaperson October 2nd, 2013 7:30 PM

    britney!!! i just want to tell you HOW MUCH i remember feeling exactly the way you do, and how beautifully you articulate those feelings. you are such an interesting and intelligent person and the fact that you fight back against your sadness at all is a testament to your strength :) your school’s philosophy club sounds like a magical place to grow intellectually and socially. sending luuuv (from 5 years in the future <3)

  • runitss October 2nd, 2013 7:33 PM

    Britney, are you me? Serious… I’ve also been in a “CREATE EVERYTHING UNTIL I RUN OUT OF INSPIRATION, OR UNTIL THIS PHASE GOES AWAY.” It’s kind of nice. I’m still doing terribly, but the creation is helping me cope.

  • dreamygirl October 2nd, 2013 7:39 PM

    britney. in love with your words. in love with your ideas. I have got no idea how to congratulate you on being wonderful, but you are, you are very special.

  • Amal October 2nd, 2013 7:56 PM

    Britney’s entry was my favorite. I’m in high school and I feel the same way. Everything’s really confusing but there also safe places which make things just a little bit better. Thanks for helping us feel less alone :)

    http://www.tutusaresweeter.com

  • thebrownette October 2nd, 2013 8:34 PM

    I feel ya Naomi. There’s nothing weirder than looking at old photos of you and someone you used to know but are no longer close with..

  • Helena K. October 2nd, 2013 8:44 PM

    Oh my god, ruby. I don’t want to say you made me cry, cause I never cry, but your piece affected me in a way nothing has for a while.

  • Ruby B. October 2nd, 2013 8:56 PM

    Naomi, I’m so happy for you to have this opportunity to start fresh and that you aren’t drowning in heartbreak like some would. You are beautiful, lady ❤

  • alexisapunk October 2nd, 2013 9:35 PM

    Ruby just gets me ya know:’) This entry was so perfect I just need to read this for the rest of my life!

  • GlitterKitty October 2nd, 2013 10:32 PM

    Katherine, I really love your article this week. “I feel guilty every time I listen to a song or spend too long in the shower or walk around outside for five minutes, because I know I have work to catch up on” Is so true and relevant in my life right now. I get so overwhelmed and stressed about schoolwork and it’s just really nice to know that someone else is feeling this way and is brave enough to write about it. Thanks so much.

  • Maki Unicorn October 3rd, 2013 12:57 AM

    Oh, Ruby! Please, don’t panic, take it easy. It’s ok to have a boyfriend. You should just make sure that he is a good guy. And if he is, let him be near you.

    I remember myself crying on my friend’s lap when a guy asked me out: “Oh my god! It means we’ll have to kiss each other and even have sex! Will I survive?!”

    But I knew, he was a good person, and eventually everything went ok. We’ve been together for two years already. So, I want to wish you good luck! Just don’t overreact.

  • soup October 3rd, 2013 1:46 AM

    britney! what an amazing post. its so good to be in the state of mind where all you want to do is make, make, make!!

    naomi… :(

    that’s all

    http://ihatetomatosoup.blogspot.ca

    • soup October 3rd, 2013 1:46 AM

      also… this collage is wonderful!

  • rhymeswithorange October 3rd, 2013 2:23 AM

    Katherine!! I am so happy that you are having a grand ol’ time (at least for a day)! Also this entry is super beautifully written, congrats man.

  • enthusiastictruckdriver October 3rd, 2013 12:39 PM

    Britney, I feel exactly the same now that I’ve moved into my new school. Stay strong and don’t be afraid of the occasional slips into sadness–I feel them all the time, and I’ve found that the best way of dealing with them is just to accept that this is not the permanent state of things, and that I will feel this way many times before I find myself in a place where I feel peaceful and happy. I hope that helps and I hope you have a wonderful week :)

  • sedgwick October 4th, 2013 8:47 AM

    Katherine you write BRILLIANTLY

  • whyamidreamingwhenimstillawake October 4th, 2013 8:47 AM

    BRITNEYYYYYYYY YOU ARE A GODDESS I FEEL YOU SO MUCH PLEASE LET’S BE BEST FRIENDS
    XXXXXX

  • thelilacparadox October 4th, 2013 9:47 AM

    I especially loved the diaries this week. It’s like all the writers wanted to convey exactly one moment in time. Sometimes those one moments are when you feel the most emotion and contemplate life the most.

    You are all beautiful.

    http://paradoxicalmusingsofme.blogspot.com

  • Gwendolen October 4th, 2013 4:45 PM

    The thing I love about these entries is that they are all so different, so I feel ok with my individual life, but have common themes, so I feel united :)

    theirfancies.blogspot.co.uk

  • La Fille October 6th, 2013 4:22 PM

    Naomi, I just wanted to say thank you so much for writing about this because I’ve been there. Actually, I’m in this situation right now.

  • Eli October 9th, 2013 2:42 AM

    Britney
    Your diary entries are beautiful.
    Thank you.
    I hope you have a nice week.