Dear Diary

October 16, 2013

Everyone needs some time alone.

Britney

I have to take the bus home from the movie theater today because someone has been pushed onto the train tracks and killed. I squeeze into a seat across from several grumbling people, many of them talking loudly into their cell phones. “I know, I know,” one woman says, rolling her eyes. “I’ll be there soon. Someone was pushed onto the tracks.”

I don’t know exactly what happened, or who was killed, but this whiff of death is so fresh that I cannot focus on anything else. I hate knowing that someone who was alive just a day ago—maybe even a few hours ago—is now gone, cast as an inconvenience by people trying to get home. This person who was born and held by their parents, a person who loved things, hated things, had a favorite food, stood in line at the grocery store, has been wiped from this world. Vanished in a matter of moments.

I hate this feeling. The guy next to me reeks of cigarette smoke, and it’s making me feel a little sick. Every second feels heavier than the one before it as it bears more of the weight of the fact that the world is going on without this person. One hundred years will pass and the world will never stop, not once, for anyone. That should be good, because common knowledge tell us that as humans we must move on, but that just makes me worry even more.

I hate knowing that time will pass me by, which seems so narcissistic. I can’t fathom being nothing, thinking nothing, not even thinking. Even worse, I don’t want to be an inconvenience, a sad news item, the small black print of an obituary. How are whole lives contained in such small pieces?

I don’t like to think about death, but I can’t help it. I keep trying to stop, but it’s difficult. I don’t give up easily, though. ♦

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21 Comments

  • jessmargo October 16th, 2013 7:33 PM

    ugh, Britney your entry resonates with the thoughts I’ve been obsessing over lately, and you described it so eloquently. A little over a week ago a girl from my school died. She sat in front of me in a study hall only days before. Its so sad and uncomfortable knowing someone who is present and breathing and feeling and thinking one day is gone and spoken of in the past tense the next.

  • saraldn October 16th, 2013 7:58 PM

    Loved them all as usual, especially Ruby’s… your relationship sounds pretty magical.

  • Maki Unicorn October 16th, 2013 9:06 PM

    Ruby, you said that a video you made got deleted. Why did it happen?
    ———————————–
    [dinosaurvsshark.blogspot.jp]

  • DANNI October 16th, 2013 10:18 PM

    i’m sorry, britney :(

  • constance October 16th, 2013 11:06 PM

    Ruby Ruby Ruby, I’m so happy for you!!

  • elliecp October 17th, 2013 7:16 AM

    ahh ruby! sounds so amazing <3

    http://roseandvintage.blogspot.com/

  • Cutesycreator aka Monica October 17th, 2013 12:54 PM

    What beautiful diary entries there are this week! (◡‿◡✿)

  • silvermist October 17th, 2013 2:45 PM

    As someone who uses the train to commute to the closest city I get your feelings, Britney, for people dying on the tracks and for death in general.
    You have such a special way of writing things :)

  • hollyshould October 17th, 2013 4:35 PM

    Katherine, you are my spirit animal.

  • Tambourelle October 17th, 2013 5:12 PM

    Katherine I am feeling you right now! (err that sounded gross) Anyway, I know that exact feeling of hiding away from people because it’s just too much to deal with, I get really bad social anxiety. And the other day my friend told me that when I left the classroom this girl went up to the teacher and asked ‘does Hannah hate us?’ And I was like oh my goodness I had no idea that people thought I hated them! That was the way people were reading me! The only person who I am normal around is my Sister she’s the only person I talk to normally which I guess is okay to have like one main friend, but she lives in another city at the moment so I really need friends (like proper friends who I can be as free with) here too.

  • taste test October 17th, 2013 5:40 PM

    Katherine, once again, I’m pretty sure you’re me. I am really trying to be more social this year, and it’s a lot better than last year, but I’m still far from a part of any group and 95% of the time when I want to do something no one wants to do it with me.

    http://xyzzyzzyzx.blogspot.com

  • Tiger October 17th, 2013 6:12 PM

    Yo britney. Your writing always seem to resonate with me, it’s beautiful. I feel the same way about everything. <3

  • cleobea October 17th, 2013 11:29 PM

    Wait you tied a couch up in a tree?!? That’s so awesome. I would love to sit up there, too

  • sezthecat October 18th, 2013 1:35 AM

    Magical and emotionally provoking; these, as usual, are beautiful.

  • doikoon October 19th, 2013 2:38 AM

    It’s so easy to read these. They’re like reality television that stars people I can think of as people.

    Katherine – I feel you.

    Ruby – your writing is like a watching a sofia coppola film

    Britney – you are awesome

    Naomi – I will remember what you said about the contorting pain and apparent pointlessness of college love. I hope I remember that thesis right.

    Caitlin – bravo

    (sorry for the noncommittal punctuation/caps, but not sorry enough to do anything about it)

  • womanalive October 19th, 2013 10:16 AM

    Ruby: You SEE them. “When people come to speak to me, whatever they say, I am struck by a kind of incandescence in them, the “I”…the loveliness is just in that presence, shaped around ‘I’ like a flame on a wick, emanating itself in grief and guilt and joy and whatever else. But quick, and avid, and resourceful.” –Marilynne Robinson, Gilead.

    “Love is not blind. Love is the holy vision.” –Ann Voskamp

    “In a society of possible gods and goddesses,…there are no ordinary people….it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub and exploit.” –C.S. Lewis

    “…a radiance can emerge from faces and bodies, making them truly beautiful…from love and intimacy…sexuality…in vulnerability, or wit…someone telling a story, or listening intently to someone else.” Naomi Wolf

  • Kourtney October 19th, 2013 7:29 PM

    Katherine, I feel you in my bones.
    It’s hard for me to be around people because holding conversations with them remains difficult and occasionally tedious. I believe I’ve lost all my interpersonal skills (if I had any at all), by becoming more introverted the last few years. Lately, I’ve been torn between trying hard to talk to other girls at my new school and staying close to the few I’m comfortable with, or eating alone. I’ve felt detached from humanity for quite some time now. It’s like looking through glass when I see the other girls laughing and gossiping amongst themselves. Fortunately, I’ve met a few girls that were friendly and approachable (it’s funny because they approached me). Anyway, lovely entries <3

  • vintagebarbie October 20th, 2013 9:29 PM

    Ruby, to say the least, your entry was gorgeous. I have friends but I hope one day to have the mutual love you and Sev have for each other. You guys have an awesome relationship.
    http://howfittingblog.blogspot.com

  • dragonfly October 21st, 2013 12:57 AM

    I love you all <3

  • rexoatie October 23rd, 2013 9:48 PM

    Ruby, you made me cry. It’s lovely to know you’re both happy with each other. P.S, I adore watching your youtube videos

  • calyssa November 10th, 2013 6:46 PM

    This is magnificently beautiful. Stay gold, Britney.