My aunt Debbie and uncle Mitch are the greatest, and I love them. They love me, too–in their own weird ways–as evidenced by the constant stream of emails they send me. Here are a few of my favorites from this past summer. &hearts Evelyn
Well, it’s time to fire up the grill and tell the folks at Dunkin’ that I’ll be taking my medium decaf Hazelnut ICED, because it’s Memorial Day weekend, and that means summer has officially arrived! I am so jazzed! Uncle Mitch and I are going to a BBQ at our friend Alan’s house on Sunday, and since we have Monday off, we may hit the beach. I just love a long weekend, don’t you? Such a great way to kick off the season! Do you have any plans? We miss you and love you much!
Feelin’ Hot Hot Hot,
Happy Memorial day to you, too! Alan’s BBQ was a smash, and we had a ball. Even Uncle Mitch, who typically doesn’t “dig” the “BBQ scene” as he likes to call it. I even saw him dance a little! Can you believe it?!
We ended up skipping the beach, though, because it was nine bazillion degrees out, and we just didn’t want to deal with the sun. So instead, I went to get a pedicure with my friend Carolyn. We had such fun laughing at all of the zany nail polish names. Carolyn went with a blue-green called “Naughty Nautical” and I picked a hot pink color called—get this—“That’s Berry Daring.” HA! What a riot. Uncle Mitch spent his day off at the movies, watching one of those car movies he loves. I think this one has the Rock in it,–ha-cha-cha, am I right? I’d go for a drive with him anytime!
Can’t believe summer is here already. How is school winding down? What are you into these days? Are you planning a visit out here again this year? We’d love to have you!
Auntie “Berry Daring” Deb (LOL!)
Alan’s BBQ was fine, yeah. Did she say I was dancing? I was not dancing. Alan is a nice dude and everything, but he played Jimmy Buffet records all night and I’d honestly rather hear a parrot screech for seven hours straight than listen to the music of Parrotheads. The only reason I was hopping up and down at one point was because I’d been stung by a bee, which, in the grand scheme of things, was the most hardcore thing to happen all weekend. Well, that and everything that happened in Fast Six, which ruled. The Rock can do no wrong.
Can’t Stop the Rock,
Have you played this Candy Crush Saga game? Carolyn just invited me to play it on Facebook. It’s too fun! You’d love it!
P.S. What’s a Vine?
dear evie—hope you’re good ok keep being great gotta get back to level 17 love you auntie deb
Yeah, I don’t doubt her email seemed weird. Your aunt has spent the last week playing some candy game that I’m pretty sure is slowly driving her mad. Every time I try to talk to her, she just mumbles something about “clearing the jelly” and keeps clicking away at her phone. I haven’t seen her this obsessed with something since the Great Beanie Baby Crisis of 1996. I may need to do something drastic.
I Want Candy (Crush Saga to Go Away),
Oh, dear! I am so sorry for the wackiness of my last email. What a loon! I got a little too carried away with that darn game. Uncle Mitch was so worried about me that he offered to take me to Jeanne’s House of Cards for a shopping spree if I deleted the app from my phone! Can you imagine? Poor Mitch. Of course I quit. Not for the shopping spree, though; just seeing his worried face–and knowing he was desperate enough to go to Jeanne’s House of Cards–was enough to convince me to walk away. (Though I did get a ton of “dope” summer decorations for the house! They’re called Shell-Belles and they’re ADORABLE!)
Oh, and thank you so much for the “summer jams” mix you sent me! I can’t stop playing it. I’ve listened to it maybe 20 times since yesterday. I think it’s starting to annoy Uncle Mitch, but:
I DON’T CARE!
I LOVE IT!
I love it,
P.S. I LOVE IT, I LOVE IT!
Yes, the Candy Crush Saga has come to an end. Your Aunt realized that she was being consumed by it and decided to give it up. She was also stuck on Level 23 for days and was probably ready to throw her phone into the garbage anyway, so giving her an out by offering to take her to Jeanne’s was just a clincher, I think. I mean, the house is now covered in these hideous little shells with eyes holding signs that say “Life’s a Beach” and “Sea You Soon!” but I guess that’s just the price I’m going to have to pay.
Oh yeah, by the way: thanks so much for the mix you sent your Aunt. In the last 48 hours, she’s yelled “I don’t care, I love it!” about the following things: her aforementioned creepy-eyed shell collection, the price of kale, blue eye shadow, rain during her company’s summer picnic, and some show called Devious Maids. So thanks again. Great stuff.
School must be over soon, right? Your mom told us you were going to be a counselor at Camp Misty Mountain this year. I assume she told you about the summers we spent there as kids. Did she mention Brutal Bruce? Probably not. Wouldn’t want to scare you or anything.
For Those About to Rock,
Your mother is lying. Brutal Bruce is absolutely real. He’s half-man, half-bear, and he eats any counselor who goes to that one rock in the woods where everyone hangs out after hours. Not that I would know where that rock is. Or who spray-painted Mitch Wuz Here ’84 on the side of it. It’s best you just stay away from that rock, really. I mean, that bear isn’t messing around.
However, if you do head to that rock, here’s some uncle-y advice: don’t eat any of the mushrooms that you find along the trail. You’ll either die or see Brutal Bruce in some form or another, and you may end up, say, screaming back to camp with your face covered in mud and your pants tied around your head as a tourniquet, because you’ve convinced yourself that Brutal Bruce has eaten your face. Not that I know this from experience. I’ve just, you know, heard things.
Mother Nature’s Son,
P.S. Your Aunt has now moved on to “Blurred Lines.” It’s become impossible for her to feed the cat without shaking a can of Fancy Feast and singing, “You know you want it!” So thanks for that. Really. Stellar stuff.
Are you excited for camp? Don’t believe a word Uncle Mitch tells you about it—according to your mom, he was a total scaredy-cat and spent most of his time there in his cabin, reading comic books under the sheets with his flashlight. Typical Mitch!
Did you hear the news about Kim Kardozium? She and Kanye had their baby! It’s a girl, isn’t that sweet? I wonder what they’ll name it. I bet it starts with a K! My guess is Karen. Carolyn thinks that’s “old-fashioned” and says she heard a rumor that they’ll be naming the baby “North.” North West! Get real, Carolyn!
Are any of your friends going to camp with you? Is there anyone special that you hope to meet there? “Summer lovin’, had me a blast!” You know, from Grease! What a great movie. John Travolta is such a dreamboat in that leather jacket, don’t you think?
Love and Hugs,
P.S. I overhead a girl at Target telling her friend that she was “so over her Bieber Fever” and that she’d “contracted a case of One Direction Infection.” What a riot!
P.S.S. These aren’t code names for real diseases though, are they? You know you can always talk to me about womanly things.
Carolyn was right!!! They named the baby North West! And you know what?
I DON’T CARE! I LOVE IT!
I love it, I love it,
Evie Ray Vaughan—
Thanks for the postcard from Camp Misty Mountain. Brought back a lot of memories. Are they still serving that disgusting oatmeal? It’s probably the same batch that they served us 30 years ago. Probably best to avoid. Another helpful hint from ol’ Uncle Mitch: the small yellow spiders are the ones you’ve gotta be careful around. The giant brown ones aren’t your friends, either. And if you see a silvery-blue one, you should probably let it bite you, because it would be cool to have Spider-Woman as a niece.
With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility,
Happy Fourth! The party you’ve got planned at camp sounds like a blast. And I can’t believe you kayaked across the entire lake! We’re so proud of you. It sounds like you’re making great friends (and do I detect a hint of a sweetheart in the making?!) and having a marvelous time. Enjoy yourself! Summer goes so quickly; it’s best to make the most of every moment.
Speaking of the moment: right now your Uncle Mitch and I are packing for our big summer trip! This year we’re going on a cruise with Carolyn and her latest beau, Jacques. Of course Uncle Mitch doesn’t like him and calls him “jerk” when he’s not around (Typical Mitch!), but I think the cruise will be smooth sailing (LOL!) once they get to know each other better. I just love the idea of a cruise. It will be so romantic, like Titanic (before all of the sad terrible things happened and Kate Winslet let Leonardo DiCaprio freeze to death because she wouldn’t move over and let him share that floating door she was on).
Do you want any trinkets from the sea? I’m hoping to add to my Shell-Belle collection. Uncle Mitch is thrilled, as you can imagine.
I call him “jerk” because the dude is a total creep. He made fun of my Zeppelin shirt the first time I met him and then said something like “I never understood that type of music—it always seemed so juvenile to me.” Meanwhile, he’s an expert on wines and won’t shut up about letting the merlot “breathe” before we drink it, which, if you weren’t aware, is the pinnacle of boring adult conversation. And now I’m going to be stuck on a boat with this dude (and Carolyn!) for a week. But your Aunt Deb is so excited, so I’ll suck it up and make the best of it. She deserves a nice vacation. Sometimes that’s what love’s about. You’ve got to deal with a bunch of dull bulbs in order to spend time with the light of your life.
That was super corny. Don’t ever show this to anyone, you will ruin my badass reputation.
Keep On Rockin’ in the Free World,
P.S. Have you seen Brutal Bruce yet? DON’T DO IT, MAN! I’m telling you! Not worth it!
I’m glad our package from Aruba arrived! Did you like your Shell-Belle? It was the only one Uncle Mitch and I could agree on. He liked the tiny guitar it was holding and I thought the little saying was a riot: “Shell-o Cleveland!” Spinal Tap! Hysterical.
We had a marvelous trip. We ate, we danced, we swam, we saw plays, we even saw an ice-skating show. On a boat! The future is now, indeed!
How is camp going? Any news on that potential sweetheart? I guess I’m just in a romantic mood after my adventure at sea! Uncle Mitch was such a doll. He even agreed to take a tango lesson with me. His heart was in the right place, even if his feet weren’t.
Yes, I survived the cruise, and I didn’t even have to throw Jacques overboard. Turns out he’s a pretty decent dude. He doesn’t like to get the Led out and, yeah, he talks about wine too much, but he’s also a big fan of the Fast and Furious movies, so we at least had something to talk about. Who knew?
I took the tango lesson mainly because your aunt really wanted to learn, but also because I’d spent the previous five days eating cake at every meal and was starting to feel like that kid in Willy Wonka who gets stuck in the tube, so I figured a little tango couldn’t hurt. Think it hurt Deb, though. I must have stepped on her toes a million times. She kept saying something about her toes being “daring,” or something, do you know what that’s about?
So camp’s over tomorrow, huh? What was the best part? If you say “the oatmeal,” I’m sending Brutal Bruce after you because you’ve clearly lost your mind.
I’m sorry to hear that your summer romance has already come to an end. But there’s still plenty of time and plenty of fish in the sea. And you don’t need romance to enjoy the summer! (But you do need sunscreen. Broad-spectrum, something over 55 SPF. You’ll thank me when you’re 45 and don’t have any wrinkles!)
Carolyn was telling me that Miley Cyrus has a new look. Is she still doing the Hannah Montana thing? You used to love that show, remember? We had such a blast at that concert together. Uncle Mitch stood in line for nine hours once to get you those tickets, though he told everyone who walked by that he was waiting for Iron Maiden tickets. Typical Mitch!
Can you explain to me why that Drake fellow doesn’t want to make any new friends? It seems like a strange thing to put in a song. Everyone should make new friends! I feel sorry for him if he really believes that’s the right way to live. He went from #YOLO to #SOLO! HA!
Make New Friends, But Keep the Old,
I was absolutely 100% waiting for Iron Maiden tickets. I have no memory of this Hannah Montana thing your Aunt speaks of. Those few days playing Candy Crush must have messed with her memory.
MAJOR ALERT: THE ROYAL BABY IS HERE!!!!
HRH AUNTIE DEB
How adorable is little Prince George? And the Duchess of Cambridge is such a lovely woman. I just adore her. Such class and poise. And such gorgeous hair! I mean, get out of town!
I’m so excited that you’re going to visit us next week! We can go back-to-school shopping if you want. What’s the new hip trend? When I was your age, we were all about culottes! Have those come back around yet? If so, I probably have a ton in the attic. They’re all yours, if you want them!
Can’t wait to see you!
Glad you had a good time during your visit—it’s always fun to have you around, though I’m cutting you out of my will for encouraging your aunt to buy 15 new Shell-Belles during your shopping trip. (Just kidding. I don’t have a will. I’m going to rock forever.)
Your aunt is psyched that you loved so many of her old clothes. Very cool of you to dub them “classic” and “rad” as opposed to “vintage,” which probably would have bummed her out a bit. She felt super-hip that you genuinely loved her stuff. I can’t believe all of the clothes she used to wear are back in style. I guess ol’ Deb was cool all along, eh? I mean, she IS married to the coolest dude on earth, so. Instant cred.
Your mom just sent me a ton of pics of you dressed in my old clothes! You look fantastic! I’m so glad those “duds” as we used to call them got to see the light of day again. I even found a few old pieces to resurrect for myself! A pair of acid-washed jeans and a Hard Rock Cafe T-shirt from Miami. A girl at the grocery store told me I had “great style,” and she actually meant it! Look out world! Deb is BACK!
Too Cool for School,
P.S. Are scrunchies back yet? I have about 250 of them in a bin in the basement, just waiting for their triumphant return!
P.P.S. Don’t worry about those One Direction tickets: Uncle Mitch is already waiting on line. If anyone asks, he’s waiting to buy Judas Priest tickets. Typical Mitch!
P.P.P.S. Uncle Mitch hates these acid-washed jeans!
P.P.P.P.S. I DON’T CARE! I LOVE IT! #swag #yolo #LOL #idontcare #iloveit ♦