I want to talk about the end of August, but I don’t know where to start. For once in my life, this last gasp of summertime felt really momentous, instead of just an onramp to September. Do I talk about how sometimes, without meaning to, I find myself standing in front of Lula’s aunt’s house on my way somewhere, hoping that her head of green hair will appear in the window? Do I talk about how I’ve been making almost daily trips to consignment stores, not just to shop but also because I long to be around something old and comforting for a change instead of focusing on the future? Or how I used to be excited about starting high school, and now I’m just not anymore?
I have a little bit of self-confidence for the first time in forever, but I also feel mixed up about everything going on outside around me. Sometimes I just walk aimlessly for hours listening to “Smells Like Teen Spirit” on repeat. I love Nirvana but have never really connected to this, their most popular song, as much as the other ones, but lately it’s exactly what I need. I’m not sure why exactly. It seems to fit my mood swings these days. Sometimes I am incredibly happy and everything in the world seems right, and then one small thing makes it all disappear and I am plunged into a cesspool of anxiety. That one small thing is usually remembering that high school exists and is waiting right around the corner for me. How can something that made me so excited at the beginning of summer make me so unhappy now?
Every moment feels meaningful. I want to capture all of them in my mind like a string of photographs. Being at a party with friends or reading poetry at night are things that I want to remember every day. I don’t know why this is happening to me, but I don’t care—I like it. ♦