Dear Diary

September 4, 2013

September waits for no one.

Britney

I want to talk about the end of August, but I don’t know where to start. For once in my life, this last gasp of summertime felt really momentous, instead of just an onramp to September. Do I talk about how sometimes, without meaning to, I find myself standing in front of Lula’s aunt’s house on my way somewhere, hoping that her head of green hair will appear in the window? Do I talk about how I’ve been making almost daily trips to consignment stores, not just to shop but also because I long to be around something old and comforting for a change instead of focusing on the future? Or how I used to be excited about starting high school, and now I’m just not anymore?

I have a little bit of self-confidence for the first time in forever, but I also feel mixed up about everything going on outside around me. Sometimes I just walk aimlessly for hours listening to “Smells Like Teen Spirit” on repeat. I love Nirvana but have never really connected to this, their most popular song, as much as the other ones, but lately it’s exactly what I need. I’m not sure why exactly. It seems to fit my mood swings these days. Sometimes I am incredibly happy and everything in the world seems right, and then one small thing makes it all disappear and I am plunged into a cesspool of anxiety. That one small thing is usually remembering that high school exists and is waiting right around the corner for me. How can something that made me so excited at the beginning of summer make me so unhappy now?

Every moment feels meaningful. I want to capture all of them in my mind like a string of photographs. Being at a party with friends or reading poetry at night are things that I want to remember every day. I don’t know why this is happening to me, but I don’t care—I like it. ♦

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19 Comments

  • rottedteeth September 4th, 2013 7:50 PM

    Although farting toward someone on purpose is “ew!” that’s hilarious.

    http://empassant.blogspot.com/

  • actressgirl September 4th, 2013 8:03 PM

    Is Ruby ok? I think her last few entries had a lot of us worried.

    • Anaheed September 4th, 2013 8:40 PM

      Yeah, she’s fine. She just has a lot going on this week.

  • Sophie ❤ September 4th, 2013 9:01 PM

    As always, this is too amazing for words.

    http://theneonpapaya.com

  • sungiant September 4th, 2013 9:11 PM

    Caitlin! I feel the saaame way since starting my AP studio art class and i kind of hate art right now

  • decemberflower September 4th, 2013 9:12 PM

    Caitlin’s diary page describes my thoughts every day. I always feel like the time we are growing up in offers so many opportunities to us (that is, if we have the privilege of having access to them) that it pressures young people to be more and more focused at a younger age, and it’s stressful. It’s often not enough anymore to just do well in school; you have to have something else, and to attend summer programs for it and have a blog about it and start a club and do all of these things. Those are great things to do, it’s just that all of the expectation leaves me so overwhelmed that I don’t want to do any of it. I’m terrified that I’ll reach adulthood and find that everyone is ten times more experienced than me in whatever I’m pursuing.

    • Caitlin H. September 8th, 2013 7:00 AM

      yes, that’s exactly it… we’ll just have to wait and see I guess.

  • bawlingbrother September 4th, 2013 9:54 PM

    this isn’t a diary it’s a missed connection for a (hopefully) clean & df Mass. CVS farter

  • Tiger September 4th, 2013 10:23 PM

    caitlin your piece this week is so perfect and i know exactly how you feel

  • roselikesclothes September 4th, 2013 10:34 PM

    Aaaww, unbearable humidity and rude people in CVS. Welcome to Massachusetts, Katherine!

  • intergalactic fork September 4th, 2013 11:04 PM

    dood, katherine, dont u know that farting on someone is the best way to show respect, appreciation, and admiration? or have i been doing it wrong this whole time i mean it would explain a lot like how everyone i look up to runs away from me and looks really offended after i show them i appreciate them and their existence :/

  • lydiamerida September 4th, 2013 11:37 PM

    Caitlin why r u so eloquent? Srsly I want your brain plz

    http://lydiamerida.tumblr.com/

  • taste test September 5th, 2013 12:44 AM

    katherine, it is so fucking surreal that you go to my school now. like I have been to that CVS many times and experienced the same random humidity and I may have even seen the police come to that robbery, in which case I don’t live very far from you. damn. I can’t handle this.

    http://xyzzyzzyzx.blogspot.com.

  • emeraldruby September 5th, 2013 2:43 AM

    Arghh Naomi that is exactly how I feel. I’m finishing high school in like two months and I miss it already, but I’m still there, still a school student. Trying to hang on to that title for as long as I can!

  • flocha September 5th, 2013 6:51 AM

    Naomi, I hope going to university goes well for you! I am leaving homenext year hopefully too, and it seems weird that I just won’t be with my family, which is such a weird thought because I have lived with them for nearly eighteen years.

  • Ella W September 5th, 2013 2:05 PM

    ‘September sounds cold but is very hot’ – soo true! I wore jeans today to school, in the 28 degree heat! I was sweating like a pig all day – perfect way to start of 6th form!
    Ella x

    http://gorillalegs.blogspot.co.uk/

  • melissathecat September 5th, 2013 4:55 PM

    Naomi, I can relate to your situation so well! When I go to school I’m also 2 hours away from home and my boyfriend and it seems so much farther from him compared to everything else. I pulled through it last year and I’m going to do it again this year. I can say for myself at least, it really helps to get into a routine at school and to look forward to the weekends and breaks when you can go back to what’s wonderful and familiar. Good luck, I hope everything turns out greatly for you!! :)

  • Princess Mononoke September 6th, 2013 3:49 PM

    Britney, I totally agree. I was really excited about the start of high school and then as it got closer and closer I got less and less excited until I really didn’t want to go to high school at all. It’s not that bad though.

  • ColoredSoft September 7th, 2013 4:10 PM

    You’re gonna do great, Britney!!!!