Dear Diary

September 4, 2013

September waits for no one.


The end of summer is the only bit of summer I like. As much as I enjoy having nothing to do (I don’t enjoy it), autumn means productivity, and if there is anything I have learnt about myself over the past year, it’s that I love being productive. I may feel stressed out by education, but it gives me a purpose. Working towards something—anything!—makes me happy.

Getting ready for university has only meant little things so far, like changing my bank account to a student one and signing forms for student finance. Mostly money matters, which I am not skilled in at all. I’ve tried making lists, but I am not good at making lists—I write down three things at most and then my mind goes blank, and three things does not constitute a proper list. For miscellaneous objects to take to uni, so far I have: coat hangers, towels, hot water bottle.

But the soul-enriching things I want to do in London are easy to list in swaths and swaths. All the museum exhibitions and all the paintings and all the old shops and cafés and all the train journeys and the pubs and the gigs and all that beautiful stuff that I can’t put into words. There is nowhere I would rather be going.

Despite all that, some parts of preparing to leave aren’t so sweet. My boyfriend and I were slowly waking up one morning to a lit room, and though his pure-blue eyes looked crazy beautiful framed by pink skin and white sheets, my eyes were pulled to the spine of a book over his shoulder, shouting “LONDON” at me as a cruel reminder that me and him will be two hours away from each other. I’ll be two hours away from home, from family, from the cats, from some of my precious friends—but somehow it seems farther in relation to him.

And though this summer has been mostly throwaway—wasted on some latent anxiety and depression that rose to the surface—I have pieces of nice memories: helium balloons my brother took for me from a party that he worked at and tied to the end of my bed, a letter one of my best friends wrote to me, a crystal Caitlin bought for me from the museum, a piece of the Berlin wall from my boyfriend, and marbled knickers that mark my first-ever attempt at tie-dye.

Sometimes I have a little panicked realisation when I notice something little—like my cat running across the lawn—that I really will be leaving all this and all the little things and I miss it even while I am still here. The best reassurance is how often I’ll be able to come home and how I hope it will be the perfect compromise. ♦


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  • rottedteeth September 4th, 2013 7:50 PM

    Although farting toward someone on purpose is “ew!” that’s hilarious.

  • actressgirl September 4th, 2013 8:03 PM

    Is Ruby ok? I think her last few entries had a lot of us worried.

    • Anaheed September 4th, 2013 8:40 PM

      Yeah, she’s fine. She just has a lot going on this week.

  • Sophie ❤ September 4th, 2013 9:01 PM

    As always, this is too amazing for words.

  • sungiant September 4th, 2013 9:11 PM

    Caitlin! I feel the saaame way since starting my AP studio art class and i kind of hate art right now

  • decemberflower September 4th, 2013 9:12 PM

    Caitlin’s diary page describes my thoughts every day. I always feel like the time we are growing up in offers so many opportunities to us (that is, if we have the privilege of having access to them) that it pressures young people to be more and more focused at a younger age, and it’s stressful. It’s often not enough anymore to just do well in school; you have to have something else, and to attend summer programs for it and have a blog about it and start a club and do all of these things. Those are great things to do, it’s just that all of the expectation leaves me so overwhelmed that I don’t want to do any of it. I’m terrified that I’ll reach adulthood and find that everyone is ten times more experienced than me in whatever I’m pursuing.

    • Caitlin H. September 8th, 2013 7:00 AM

      yes, that’s exactly it… we’ll just have to wait and see I guess.

  • bawlingbrother September 4th, 2013 9:54 PM

    this isn’t a diary it’s a missed connection for a (hopefully) clean & df Mass. CVS farter

  • Tiger September 4th, 2013 10:23 PM

    caitlin your piece this week is so perfect and i know exactly how you feel

  • roselikesclothes September 4th, 2013 10:34 PM

    Aaaww, unbearable humidity and rude people in CVS. Welcome to Massachusetts, Katherine!

  • intergalactic fork September 4th, 2013 11:04 PM

    dood, katherine, dont u know that farting on someone is the best way to show respect, appreciation, and admiration? or have i been doing it wrong this whole time i mean it would explain a lot like how everyone i look up to runs away from me and looks really offended after i show them i appreciate them and their existence :/

  • lydiamerida September 4th, 2013 11:37 PM

    Caitlin why r u so eloquent? Srsly I want your brain plz

  • taste test September 5th, 2013 12:44 AM

    katherine, it is so fucking surreal that you go to my school now. like I have been to that CVS many times and experienced the same random humidity and I may have even seen the police come to that robbery, in which case I don’t live very far from you. damn. I can’t handle this.

  • emeraldruby September 5th, 2013 2:43 AM

    Arghh Naomi that is exactly how I feel. I’m finishing high school in like two months and I miss it already, but I’m still there, still a school student. Trying to hang on to that title for as long as I can!

  • flocha September 5th, 2013 6:51 AM

    Naomi, I hope going to university goes well for you! I am leaving homenext year hopefully too, and it seems weird that I just won’t be with my family, which is such a weird thought because I have lived with them for nearly eighteen years.

  • Ella W September 5th, 2013 2:05 PM

    ‘September sounds cold but is very hot’ – soo true! I wore jeans today to school, in the 28 degree heat! I was sweating like a pig all day – perfect way to start of 6th form!
    Ella x

  • melissathecat September 5th, 2013 4:55 PM

    Naomi, I can relate to your situation so well! When I go to school I’m also 2 hours away from home and my boyfriend and it seems so much farther from him compared to everything else. I pulled through it last year and I’m going to do it again this year. I can say for myself at least, it really helps to get into a routine at school and to look forward to the weekends and breaks when you can go back to what’s wonderful and familiar. Good luck, I hope everything turns out greatly for you!! :)

  • Princess Mononoke September 6th, 2013 3:49 PM

    Britney, I totally agree. I was really excited about the start of high school and then as it got closer and closer I got less and less excited until I really didn’t want to go to high school at all. It’s not that bad though.

  • ColoredSoft September 7th, 2013 4:10 PM

    You’re gonna do great, Britney!!!!