Dear Diary

September 25, 2013

Life feels weird.


I am not writing as much as I usually do—putting words on paper used to make my feelings real and tangible, as if I was having a conversation with myself, but I’m reluctant to confide in myself lately. I don’t want to feel too deeply right now, and I don’t want to indulge in certain feelings. Sometimes it feels like I am lying to myself, or ignoring parts of myself. But I want to skim through life events like water over a smooth stone.

I can be a terribly serious person sometimes, though I pretend not to be. I also think too much, but that often leads me to seeing things and making connections I wouldn’t have made otherwise. And that fulfills me in a different way than being a laid-back person would fulfill me, but it can also hold me back.

One thing I can’t stop thinking about from this week was talking to my friend on the phone before we went out. I started panicking, and he told me to “just get ready and step out the front door.” This made me realise how simple that is for other people. My mind goes over every little detail and worry, tries to suss out every escape plan, every eventuality. My brain kind of drives me mad.

I’ve started reading Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, which says that at the root of every fear is the idea that we can’t handle something. I’m trying to change my way of thinking. Whenever an anxious thought pops up, I repeat the mantra I’ll handle it. Which is true in the most fundamental sense—whatever happens, I’ll survive, unless I die. I’m hoping this will help me glide over the surface of life like other people do. ♦


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  • Ruby B. September 25th, 2013 7:37 PM

    Britney, I’m so glad you’re in a good place right now! :) It seems that the beginning of the school year is always really good or really bad.

    • Britney September 25th, 2013 8:03 PM

      Thank you so much, Ruby! I honestly thought my mind was going to EXPLODE but everything is so much better now. And yeah, it always seems to be either one, which sucks so much but I guess that’s just how it is.

  • Tiger September 25th, 2013 7:54 PM

    Ruby, wow! you write beautifully as always and such an amazing story

  • o-girl September 25th, 2013 7:58 PM

    Britney, THAT IS SO TERRIFIC. I am so happy for you! I’ve had a pretty horrible day and this diary entry has made me feel a lot better, actually–you really deserve to feel good about things.

    Ruby, really interesting entry. I’ve always wanted to be able to talk to people like them, just be straightforward and ask them their life story, but I’m kind of younger and my friends would never ask anyonw with me.

  • lilagrace September 25th, 2013 8:11 PM

    Ruby … I barely have words for your entry this week …
    It’s like “wow, this is how life really is – there are people who have a history that goes beyond my imagination“ – at the same time it kind of feels like a scene from a movie (don’t mean to undermine your experience!)
    How did you feel when he told you his story? (if I might ask)

  • flingsgotoofast September 25th, 2013 8:35 PM

    I really like your article Britney, even if its short and simple it still got the message across clearly. I don’t know if I am slowly working towards that point of clarity yet but I am finding myself becoming happier and more myself in school and not so reserved like I was previously. I envy those who have found themselves completely and can happily say their life isn’t a complete wreck!

  • Conana September 25th, 2013 9:24 PM

    Oh god! I remember feeling like Britney three years ago! I was so happy, and everyone could see it, people were telling me things such as “wow! now you’re speaking and laughing, and being friendly!” and I remember thinking “that’s because I feel so much better with myself now”, and all of that was because I stopped hanging with toxic people…

  • whyamidreamingwhenimstillawake September 25th, 2013 9:48 PM

    Naomi, i feel you about the thinking too much. I do that too. And I was going to try and talk about that, but you’ve articulated it so much better than i could in your diary, so I’m just gonna leave it at that. x

  • elliecp September 26th, 2013 2:13 AM

    I love the ‘dear diary’ articles…it’s so nice to hear about other people and makes me feel better about my own life <3

  • lotusmarina September 26th, 2013 3:43 AM

    This is post is beautiful, very heart-warming. Also, just a note to the Rookie team, I stumbled upon this online magazine a couple of days ago, and surfing its pages has become one of my favourite things to do – along with reading Aussie magazines ‘yen’ and ‘frankie’ and listening to Lisa Mitchell. I just would like to say thanks because you guys have really encouraged me to get all that jumble and mishmash of stuff in my head onto paper, or into music or into anything artsypartsy. I’ll be sticking around!!

    • Anaheed September 26th, 2013 8:28 AM

      Hi and welcome!

    • Zoe September 27th, 2013 9:10 AM

      They’re all my favourite things to do as well!

  • flocha September 26th, 2013 7:06 AM

    I’ve got to do a lot of things next week which are kind of scaring me, but the ‘I’ll handle it’ mantra looks like a really good way of coping with that kind of thing, so thanks Naomi :)

  • thelilacparadox September 26th, 2013 2:07 PM

    The diaries on Rookie are literally the best part of my week. I am so glad this is a part of the site, and I can’t wait until next week (obviously.)

  • unicornconnect September 26th, 2013 3:14 PM

    Ruby, wow. I can’t even believe that happened, it made me so sad. Normally people just freak out and assume people asking for change just want to buy drugs and alcohol and they have messed up their lives by being stupid.

    It seems so weird that a homeless guy just told you about his life when you asked, that’s cool, like I can never imagine it happening to me. Maybe I should be scared less.

  • Eileen September 29th, 2013 12:46 PM

    I swear to god, RUBY. I do this same people’s life guessing game with myself every time I’m in public. I wish I knew someone who could do this with me, I definitely don’t. Thank gob for rookiemag