I am not writing as much as I usually do—putting words on paper used to make my feelings real and tangible, as if I was having a conversation with myself, but I’m reluctant to confide in myself lately. I don’t want to feel too deeply right now, and I don’t want to indulge in certain feelings. Sometimes it feels like I am lying to myself, or ignoring parts of myself. But I want to skim through life events like water over a smooth stone.
I can be a terribly serious person sometimes, though I pretend not to be. I also think too much, but that often leads me to seeing things and making connections I wouldn’t have made otherwise. And that fulfills me in a different way than being a laid-back person would fulfill me, but it can also hold me back.
One thing I can’t stop thinking about from this week was talking to my friend on the phone before we went out. I started panicking, and he told me to “just get ready and step out the front door.” This made me realise how simple that is for other people. My mind goes over every little detail and worry, tries to suss out every escape plan, every eventuality. My brain kind of drives me mad.
I’ve started reading Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, which says that at the root of every fear is the idea that we can’t handle something. I’m trying to change my way of thinking. Whenever an anxious thought pops up, I repeat the mantra I’ll handle it. Which is true in the most fundamental sense—whatever happens, I’ll survive, unless I die. I’m hoping this will help me glide over the surface of life like other people do. ♦