Dear Diary

September 18, 2013

Is the first week of school fun for anyone?

Britney

I have never been so relieved for the weekend. School has become a chore again, and I hate it. When I am there, I am neither happy nor sad; I feel like I am there for the sake of other people, not because I want to be sitting in a chair for 50 minutes per class or trying to make sure I say the right thing when talking to new people—to feed them only the generic, overused parts of me. You can tell that’s what makes them happy; any mention of something that they cannot immediately relate to and a wave of boredom washes over their faces.

Having to be so neutral is stressful. All that’s keeping me sane are my friends from outside school and writing stories in the back of my notebooks during class, when my imagination, bottled up for most of the day, comes out in an inky black scrawl.

It isn’t like high school is stifling who I am completely—I can finally wear what I want without judgment, something I definitely couldn’t say for junior high. But the small things that I want people to know about me are the ones that have to stay smashed inside, under all the pages from autobiographies and names of classmates that I had to memorize.

I don’t know how successful I’ll be at making friends with the people here. I like them, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to open up to them the way I would like to. On the bright side, this situation has made me feel closer to my non-school friends, and I’ve found myself telling them things I probably would have kept inside forever otherwise. Sharing these things feels like a huge weight lifted off my ribcage, letting me truly breathe for the first time in my life.

I’ve become a total contradiction: totally closed off at school, more open that ever elsewhere. I wonder how long I can sustain this. ♦

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7 Comments

  • Iin September 18th, 2013 8:06 PM

    Ruby i love you

  • ColoredSoft September 18th, 2013 8:54 PM

    Britney…baby girl, it’s just been your first week. Stay positive!!! I wish someone told me that in all caps: STAY POSITIVE!!!! Also, I wish someone had told me in all caps: BE YOURSELF!!!! These are really important things. If we’re positive, we can go do the things we want and stay rooted when things don’t go well! If we are ourselves, then we are free! You deserve to be free.

  • whyamidreamingwhenimstillawake September 18th, 2013 9:49 PM

    Oh britney… I know exactly how you feel. Sort of like you dont properly exist.
    It sucks so bad.
    :(

  • intergalactic fork September 19th, 2013 8:53 AM

    britney!! i love you so much! everything gets better after high school!! you can do this!!

  • thelilacparadox September 19th, 2013 5:54 PM

    First off, OMG RUBY YOU SAW THE PIXIES I AM SO FUCKING JEALOUS. Secondly, can I be friends with all of the diary writers? You’re all amazing beyond belief. Although I’ve never seen a photo of many of you, I feel like I’d find you in a crowded room, easy.

    http://paradoxicalmusingsofme.blogspot.com/2013/09/should-have-could-have-would-have.html

  • speakthroughvision September 19th, 2013 8:31 PM

    Dear Britney,
    My best friend sustained this suffocating position for an entire year before she finally decided to transfer to my school. The high school she moved to provided her with a more accepting group of friends. Though many people tend to be shallow and hide many things about themselves, once you get to know them better, a lot of weird stuff can come out trust me! I think on the surface everyone hides their weirdest sides… the sides they only reserve for close friends. I don’t like it when people are shallow when it comes to relating to me in conversation either, but I’v found that sometimes its because they’re simply not comfortable enough with THEIR deeper sides. Transferring schools won’t necessarily solve the problem… There’s always hope and opportunity. You’ll find friends in unlikely places! Stay open to making friends girl, don’t give up :) <3

  • biankaberta07 September 20th, 2013 5:50 PM

    Britney, this has to be the most relatable article i’ve read in a while!!! you put into word exactly how i feel right now…