Dear Diary

September 11, 2013

Everything’s changing, our diarists included.


High school is full of incredibly amazing people who like my dress, like Nirvana, and, even better, like talking to me. If only my usual shroud of awkwardness would evaporate, this would feel like a fantasy. I’m writing this in the hallway before first period, and I’m a little worried that I will come off as a dork for journaling in a smiley-face notebook from elementary school that I absentmindedly grabbed on my way out the door this morning. I like the bright yellow cover, though, and I like having a piece of home with me.

There are so many different styles and haircuts and clothes that I can barely keep up with it all. I have never seen so much expression in a student body. I like it. I am ready to jump out of my skin with excitement, but I am also nervous.

Break time
We are all piled into the hallway again; everyone’s talking or looking around aimlessly. We have workshops for the first three days of school instead of regular classes, so the whole student body is just waiting to find out where we go next. The students here look more complex and interesting than most people from junior high. There is a kawaii girl who has a large Hello Kitty backpack and hair that never moves, a girl who looks like she stepped out of the 1920s and into this school, and people from England, France, California. People are talking about where they lived before this, and girlfriends they broke up with over the summer. No one seems to be talking about about hockey or Hollister. I cannot believe I am here.

There’s a boy who looks like he wants to be anywhere but here. He hasn’t smiled once. He rummages through his backpack, pulling up endless food packages that crinkle loudly when he opens them. He shows his teeth when he chews.

He’s caught my attention. He seems like he’s by himself. Since we’re in workshop together, I know his name and that he’s an upperclassman. I heard him talking about passion and anger consuming the world, but he sounds like he’s bored. I’m not romantically attracted to him, but I’m drawn to him, and I don’t know why. I’m confused.

This workshop was amazing—we analyzed a great Margaret Atwood poem and spent a long time writing, but for some reason, I still don’t feel satisfied here. I have people to sit with at lunch, but all of my best friends are in different schools and boroughs now, and I don’t know if I could have same kind of long-term relationships with these new people.

There are already cliques even though it’s the first day, and everyone seems to gravitate toward people of their own race. What is happening? This isn’t supposed to happen. I thought this was supposed to be a liberal school.

I want to scream at everyone.

I have a headache. The plastic edges of my new ID dig into my palm; the picture makes me look tired and sallow, as if I already knew what this day would be like when I took the photo. I started off happy, but now everything is a mess. I call my best friend and visit a close friend from a neighboring school, but when they are gone I feel a hole in my heart. It obviously wasn’t the greatest day ever. ♦


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  • Hannah L September 11th, 2013 7:15 PM

    when you click on katherine’s diary it doesn’t work

    • Anaheed September 11th, 2013 7:28 PM

      Which button are you clicking? It’s working for me…

  • Britney September 11th, 2013 7:29 PM

    I love all the diaries this week!! (I usually do anyway, but especially this week.) Caitlin, that’s how it feels for me as well, because I definitely haven’t completely found my way around school yet. On the bright side, it’s improved A LOT since I wrote this, so I can worry more about not getting lost.

    • Caitlin H. September 12th, 2013 2:44 PM

      Love ya Britney <3

  • Sophie ❤ September 11th, 2013 7:56 PM

    These were all so beautiful!

  • cbgirrl September 11th, 2013 8:18 PM

    Ruby, I feel the same way you do an it’s fucking awesome. I feel so powerful, so full of energy. It’s something I’ve never felt before and it’s amazing. I hope it lasts though.

  • lilagrace September 11th, 2013 8:24 PM

    I appreciate everyone’s diary entries so much! It’s something I’m always looking forward to!
    And Oh my God, Ruby… I’m so happy for you. It’s sooo nice to read that you are feeling this kind of positive change. This is so right and so important! It’s definitely something I hope to experience myself … someday! xx

  • Yayo September 11th, 2013 8:32 PM

    Ruby – I feel like I’m just discovering the whole gender-fluidity thing right now as well.

    I feel like I’ve been focusing for ages on femininity and doing pretty things with lace and roses and general Lisbon-esque stuff.

    But people like Samantha Urbani from the band Friends, and CocoRosie (who are both so beautiful it’s not even real) make me want to blur the lines more.

  • Zelda September 11th, 2013 8:33 PM

    I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder so I kinda understand where you are coming from Naomi. Anxiety sucks and I hate how is controls your life and makes you completely helpless. I’ve found that I have to do something all the time, even just shaking or playing with my hair, to keep from crying. I wish you the best of luck with your anxiety.

  • GlitterKitty September 11th, 2013 8:36 PM

    “because that shit freaks me out” was so funny! I’m not sure why but I LOLd.

    And Katherine I know what you mean. Last year at my school there was this dance and everyone was like, “oh you have to get drunk to have fun, I’m going to get so wasted LOLOL”. Drinking isn’t my thing so I didn’t but I went to the dance. I had so much fun. All the sober people looked like they were having fun dancing but all the drunk people just looked like they were trying to have fun but weren’t quite there. My point is I totally understand seeing people trying to have fun but it being really fake.

  • Jaime September 11th, 2013 8:55 PM

    Naomi — as a fellow anxiety sufferer, I really recommend this book:

    • Jaime September 11th, 2013 8:56 PM

      P.S. — I’m rooting for you!

  • itsireepie September 12th, 2013 12:04 AM

    I liked your diary today, Ruby! Considering that you weren’t around last time, I really wanted to know what you were up to. It’s awesome that you’re trying different things! I wish I had the nerve to start. It’s hard for me. But when I finally do, I hope I can learn something from it.

  • l_aisya September 12th, 2013 9:18 AM

    Caitlin & Britney- I KNOW HOW U GUYS FEEL.
    right now i’m a freshman at college, after being in the same school for 12 YEARS (elementary through high school) and already feeling lots of ch-ch-changes.

  • kaylafay September 12th, 2013 12:11 PM

    i really related to Naomi’s entry. I have anxiety too and it usually hits me for seemingly no reason.

  • thelilacparadox September 12th, 2013 9:20 PM

    Katherine, I cannot begin to tell you how much I relate to your college posts. I didn’t use to because, well, I wasn’t IN college. But now I am, and everything you write about is just so real and tangible. I wish we could hang on Friday nights and chat.

    Oh, and Ruby? Every time you write, I feel like I’ve been let in on some amazing secret. Never grow up.

  • Isobelley September 14th, 2013 10:27 AM

    I used to feel anxious, not to the point where it was proper anxiety but it still was unpleasant, but it’s improved since I’ve started listening to Youth Lagoon because I heard that he has anxiety, and he’s quite calming.