Dear Diary

September 11, 2013

Everything’s changing, our diarists included.

Ruby

A change is happening. I can see it in the mirror and feel it in my gut. I am evolving—a chapter of my life has closed, and a new one seems to be opening.

Less than a month ago I never wore pants. I wore skirts with form-fitting tops and lots of jewelry. Today I’m wearing baggy cargo pants, a boxy men’s Nirvana T-shirt, a leather blazer, and chunky boots. I’ve been doing my makeup in a way that makes me look more masculine, focusing on my eyebrows more than my eyes. I colored them purple today. I’ve been experimenting with looking more gender-fluid. People who flirt with androgyny, like Sebastian Columbine, really inspire me to not feel confined to looking/acting conventionally feminine.

I’m making new friends, too. I reconnected with a boy I met on vacation last winter. We talk for hours on the phone every night about our lives, miles and miles away from each other. Another friend of mine hangs out with this really cool girl in my English class, and I asked her to bring me the next time they’re together. She has short red hair and a denim jacket with spikes on it and a patch on the back that says “feminine is not anti-feminist” with a painting of a unicorn.

A guy who would have been a senior if he hadn’t dropped out asked me to hang out, so we spent the day walking around together, stopping twice for a cup of tea. We spent hours being silent, and more hours talking. We explored an abandoned recycling plant. We listened to Iggy Pop and Pink Floyd in his car.

There’s a girl who always sneaks up on me in the hallway and hugs me, and I freak out and walk away as quickly as I can because that shit freaks me out. Today, however, I hugged her back. I can’t even begin to describe the look of shock on her face.

Right now I feel less vulnerable than ever, as if someone would break their hand trying to punch me. I’m untouchable. It’s a weird feeling, and surely fleeting. ♦

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17 Comments

  • Hannah L September 11th, 2013 7:15 PM

    when you click on katherine’s diary it doesn’t work

    • Anaheed September 11th, 2013 7:28 PM

      Which button are you clicking? It’s working for me…

  • Britney September 11th, 2013 7:29 PM

    I love all the diaries this week!! (I usually do anyway, but especially this week.) Caitlin, that’s how it feels for me as well, because I definitely haven’t completely found my way around school yet. On the bright side, it’s improved A LOT since I wrote this, so I can worry more about not getting lost.

    • Caitlin H. September 12th, 2013 2:44 PM

      Love ya Britney <3

  • Sophie ❤ September 11th, 2013 7:56 PM

    These were all so beautiful!

    http://theneonpapaya.com

  • cbgirrl September 11th, 2013 8:18 PM

    Ruby, I feel the same way you do an it’s fucking awesome. I feel so powerful, so full of energy. It’s something I’ve never felt before and it’s amazing. I hope it lasts though.

  • lilagrace September 11th, 2013 8:24 PM

    I appreciate everyone’s diary entries so much! It’s something I’m always looking forward to!
    And Oh my God, Ruby… I’m so happy for you. It’s sooo nice to read that you are feeling this kind of positive change. This is so right and so important! It’s definitely something I hope to experience myself … someday! xx

  • Yayo September 11th, 2013 8:32 PM

    Ruby – I feel like I’m just discovering the whole gender-fluidity thing right now as well.

    I feel like I’ve been focusing for ages on femininity and doing pretty things with lace and roses and general Lisbon-esque stuff.

    But people like Samantha Urbani from the band Friends, and CocoRosie (who are both so beautiful it’s not even real) make me want to blur the lines more.

  • Zelda September 11th, 2013 8:33 PM

    I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder so I kinda understand where you are coming from Naomi. Anxiety sucks and I hate how is controls your life and makes you completely helpless. I’ve found that I have to do something all the time, even just shaking or playing with my hair, to keep from crying. I wish you the best of luck with your anxiety.

  • GlitterKitty September 11th, 2013 8:36 PM

    “because that shit freaks me out” was so funny! I’m not sure why but I LOLd.

    And Katherine I know what you mean. Last year at my school there was this dance and everyone was like, “oh you have to get drunk to have fun, I’m going to get so wasted LOLOL”. Drinking isn’t my thing so I didn’t but I went to the dance. I had so much fun. All the sober people looked like they were having fun dancing but all the drunk people just looked like they were trying to have fun but weren’t quite there. My point is I totally understand seeing people trying to have fun but it being really fake.

  • Jaime September 11th, 2013 8:55 PM

    Naomi — as a fellow anxiety sufferer, I really recommend this book: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feeling_Good:_The_New_Mood_Therapy

    • Jaime September 11th, 2013 8:56 PM

      P.S. — I’m rooting for you!

  • itsireepie September 12th, 2013 12:04 AM

    I liked your diary today, Ruby! Considering that you weren’t around last time, I really wanted to know what you were up to. It’s awesome that you’re trying different things! I wish I had the nerve to start. It’s hard for me. But when I finally do, I hope I can learn something from it.

  • l_aisya September 12th, 2013 9:18 AM

    Caitlin & Britney- I KNOW HOW U GUYS FEEL.
    right now i’m a freshman at college, after being in the same school for 12 YEARS (elementary through high school) and already feeling lots of ch-ch-changes.

  • kaylafay September 12th, 2013 12:11 PM

    i really related to Naomi’s entry. I have anxiety too and it usually hits me for seemingly no reason.

  • thelilacparadox September 12th, 2013 9:20 PM

    Katherine, I cannot begin to tell you how much I relate to your college posts. I didn’t use to because, well, I wasn’t IN college. But now I am, and everything you write about is just so real and tangible. I wish we could hang on Friday nights and chat.

    Oh, and Ruby? Every time you write, I feel like I’ve been let in on some amazing secret. Never grow up.

    http://paradoxicalmusingsofme.blogspot.com/2013/09/the-story-so-far.html

  • Isobelley September 14th, 2013 10:27 AM

    I used to feel anxious, not to the point where it was proper anxiety but it still was unpleasant, but it’s improved since I’ve started listening to Youth Lagoon because I heard that he has anxiety, and he’s quite calming.