Dear Diary

September 11, 2013

Everything’s changing, our diarists included.


We were on a bus, sated with fast food and images of Harry Styles, after seeing This Is Us at the mall earlier in the afternoon. The fast food made me feel nauseous, and the movie was a little bit disappointing—not enough raw footage, too much 1D source-story rehashing, and excessive fan thanking. You can thank us with backstage footage, FARTHEADS.

It’s dreamy here, and not just because I’m not in Nashville and not at my old college. It feels amazing to wake up in this place, even though there are always kids playing field sports early in the morning and yelling outside my window, or construction workers calling to each other. Waking up to their voices reminds me that I am no longer dormant, and what would usually be annoying feels like little kisses all over my eardrums.

The bus was taking us to a neighboring coed college for a party an upperclassman halfheartedly told us would be fun; a freshman and I decided to tag along with a group of students from our house. As the bus became more and more crowded and noisy, my friend said, “Oh my god—straight girls.” Their energy was aggressively hetero, and would only become more aggressive when we arrived at the other school’s campus and they immediately started flirting with boys. It made me the most uncomfortable person ever, even though I am admittedly a very boy-crazy person who had been giggling about Harry Styles all day. I had assumed that flirting would happen as a by-product of going to a party, but it seemed to be the goal for so many people, a goal people fought toward all night.

We arrived at the campus and followed a large group that disembarked from the bus with purpose, seeming to know where they were going.

My friend and I approached a dorm. Two bros walked out and one of them immediately asked a freshman, “Do you work at Footlocker? Because you look like you do.” We walked past nearly empty cups of alcohol and a cloud of weed smoke, and headed for the door, where bored security guards would halfheartedly check our purses and yawningly point down a stairwell from which bad house music and heat was rising. It was the breath of hell—well, a mild hell, where tons of students stand in a small room and look at one another without dancing or moving much, with the exception of the three or four couples grinding.

We left the basement and wandered around campus for a while, passing two more parties filled with bored kids. People didn’t even look like they were at parties—they looked like extras in a party scene from a movie. Everyone was displaying respect for the tradition of Saturday night on a college campus, but no one looked like they were enjoying themselves. The police raided the second dorm we went to and made students leave. They looked bored too, like they were just going through the required motions.

My first instinct is to call the whole evening a nightmare, but it wasn’t that dramatic—more like a bad dream. And just like in a dream, there were no stakes—my friend and I wanted to go to a different campus with some other first-years, and we accomplished that. No one really cared that this night was below average because it didn’t truly matter; the dream vanished as soon as we fell asleep in our own beds. ♦


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  • Hannah L September 11th, 2013 7:15 PM

    when you click on katherine’s diary it doesn’t work

    • Anaheed September 11th, 2013 7:28 PM

      Which button are you clicking? It’s working for me…

  • Britney September 11th, 2013 7:29 PM

    I love all the diaries this week!! (I usually do anyway, but especially this week.) Caitlin, that’s how it feels for me as well, because I definitely haven’t completely found my way around school yet. On the bright side, it’s improved A LOT since I wrote this, so I can worry more about not getting lost.

    • Caitlin H. September 12th, 2013 2:44 PM

      Love ya Britney <3

  • Sophie ❤ September 11th, 2013 7:56 PM

    These were all so beautiful!

  • cbgirrl September 11th, 2013 8:18 PM

    Ruby, I feel the same way you do an it’s fucking awesome. I feel so powerful, so full of energy. It’s something I’ve never felt before and it’s amazing. I hope it lasts though.

  • lilagrace September 11th, 2013 8:24 PM

    I appreciate everyone’s diary entries so much! It’s something I’m always looking forward to!
    And Oh my God, Ruby… I’m so happy for you. It’s sooo nice to read that you are feeling this kind of positive change. This is so right and so important! It’s definitely something I hope to experience myself … someday! xx

  • Yayo September 11th, 2013 8:32 PM

    Ruby – I feel like I’m just discovering the whole gender-fluidity thing right now as well.

    I feel like I’ve been focusing for ages on femininity and doing pretty things with lace and roses and general Lisbon-esque stuff.

    But people like Samantha Urbani from the band Friends, and CocoRosie (who are both so beautiful it’s not even real) make me want to blur the lines more.

  • Zelda September 11th, 2013 8:33 PM

    I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder so I kinda understand where you are coming from Naomi. Anxiety sucks and I hate how is controls your life and makes you completely helpless. I’ve found that I have to do something all the time, even just shaking or playing with my hair, to keep from crying. I wish you the best of luck with your anxiety.

  • GlitterKitty September 11th, 2013 8:36 PM

    “because that shit freaks me out” was so funny! I’m not sure why but I LOLd.

    And Katherine I know what you mean. Last year at my school there was this dance and everyone was like, “oh you have to get drunk to have fun, I’m going to get so wasted LOLOL”. Drinking isn’t my thing so I didn’t but I went to the dance. I had so much fun. All the sober people looked like they were having fun dancing but all the drunk people just looked like they were trying to have fun but weren’t quite there. My point is I totally understand seeing people trying to have fun but it being really fake.

  • Jaime September 11th, 2013 8:55 PM

    Naomi — as a fellow anxiety sufferer, I really recommend this book:

    • Jaime September 11th, 2013 8:56 PM

      P.S. — I’m rooting for you!

  • itsireepie September 12th, 2013 12:04 AM

    I liked your diary today, Ruby! Considering that you weren’t around last time, I really wanted to know what you were up to. It’s awesome that you’re trying different things! I wish I had the nerve to start. It’s hard for me. But when I finally do, I hope I can learn something from it.

  • l_aisya September 12th, 2013 9:18 AM

    Caitlin & Britney- I KNOW HOW U GUYS FEEL.
    right now i’m a freshman at college, after being in the same school for 12 YEARS (elementary through high school) and already feeling lots of ch-ch-changes.

  • kaylafay September 12th, 2013 12:11 PM

    i really related to Naomi’s entry. I have anxiety too and it usually hits me for seemingly no reason.

  • thelilacparadox September 12th, 2013 9:20 PM

    Katherine, I cannot begin to tell you how much I relate to your college posts. I didn’t use to because, well, I wasn’t IN college. But now I am, and everything you write about is just so real and tangible. I wish we could hang on Friday nights and chat.

    Oh, and Ruby? Every time you write, I feel like I’ve been let in on some amazing secret. Never grow up.

  • Isobelley September 14th, 2013 10:27 AM

    I used to feel anxious, not to the point where it was proper anxiety but it still was unpleasant, but it’s improved since I’ve started listening to Youth Lagoon because I heard that he has anxiety, and he’s quite calming.