People keep telling me to get help—let people in, open up, and it will be all right. But all I can tell anyone is that I feel confused, and what’s the good in that? I feel like I have to pick my battles; I can’t get help from other people for every single thing that affects me. I need to know what I can handle on my own before I know what I need help with. No one I know can help anyway; I feel like most people pretend to care but can’t actually do anything to help me. If I can’t even talk to people I know, then how can I sit in a stranger’s office and tell them how I’m feeling?
Asking for help worked when I was younger, but now I feel like I my mind works differently and I should be able to defend myself against my mental demons. I have come close to talking to someone, but no one can look me square in the eye and say, “I understand exactly what you mean and I can help you.” Even if they said exactly that, I probably wouldn’t believe them.
There were times in the past year when I didn’t think that I deserved anyone’s help; I thought I was a burden. But I’ve done some serious thinking about whether I want to spend the rest of my life being miserable, and I think I can eventually find happiness (even if I don’t feel that way very often).
I’m not being stubborn or shutting myself off to the world. I just think I can handle this by myself. Right now, having this burden on my own shoulders is less stressful than sharing these thoughts with other people. Maybe one day I will be able to fully explain what I am going through, but not today, or tomorrow, or this week. ♦