Dear Diary

August 28, 2013

Dreading the start of school.

Katherine

I’m having trouble coming up with a topic that I want to write more than 100 words about. I’m struggling to write about anything of interest. I feel frustrated.

Right now I’m just chilling in my room, trying to finish this summer reading and answering my parents’ questions about the details of my upcoming trip up to school. I just finished my summer job, where I sat alone in a room entering numbers into a computer. I can’t write about any of this without feeling like I’m boring and self-pitying. ♦

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27 Comments

  • rottedteeth August 28th, 2013 8:15 PM

    I look forward to reading Ruby’s diary every week.
    http://empassant.blogspot.com/

  • Sophie ❤ August 28th, 2013 8:33 PM

    Beautiful. I look forward to these!

    http://theneonpapaya.com

  • sweetestjerk August 28th, 2013 11:09 PM

    Naomi, have you transferred to Smith? I’m a rising sophomore there and I also struggle with depression and anxiety, and similarly have trouble giving myself credit.

    Until recently, I didn’t realize what was wrong with having the same expectations for myself as those of girls around me who weren’t in my situation and seemed to socialize/flirt/etc with ease.

  • kathryn-s August 29th, 2013 1:00 AM

    Ruby, your diary is so beautifully written. I hope you’ll be able to rise above those shitty feelings a little bit. It seems like you have a really great friend group to help you out and occupy your time with.

    Sometimes it helps me to think about how my parents and even my oldest sister can’t really remember that many sharp details from their high school years. Eventually, high school will just be faded memories and your world won’t be so concentrated. (Other times this freaks me out).

  • Punkflowers August 29th, 2013 2:09 AM

    I love Rookie. I, usually, can’t wait to read it every single day. I hope you won’t mind much if I give a suggestion. The diary pages almost always are filled with thoughts of anxiety, dread, fear. I, as a young girl like many others, write about happy things in my diary too. I understand that the Rookie diarists may be going through a hard time lately but it would be super awesome if you could hire a diarist who tends to be happy more often and writes things that make the reader feel what a beautiful world this is. Just a random little suggestion. I hope you don’t mind.

    • julalondon August 29th, 2013 6:12 AM

      I second this and hope that this doesn’t make me seem like a heartless Person.

      • ruby August 29th, 2013 1:32 PM

        I do agree with you in a way…these diary entries do tend to be quite sad, but, then again, journaling is not generally something people do when they’re happy – it’s more of a way to contemplate stuff you are going through/vent. I know that my own diaries are probably pretty angsty…plus it is quite therapeutic to share your experiences and read the diaries of others who are going through similar things to you. There are lots of Rookie posts which portray happy things, and I think the fact that Rookie has both serious and lighthearted elements makes it so great!

    • Punkflowers August 29th, 2013 4:03 PM

      I am so sorry guys. My comment probably came across as rude and I feel terrible thinking that. I was thinking one-dimensional. I hope that all of you see so much happiness in your lives that you feel obliged to write about it and share it with us ;) Love to all of you. Hugs.

  • TessAnnesley August 29th, 2013 3:21 AM

    Someone assaulted Ruby just to say “Don’t talk to me”
    I can barely comprehend the awfulness
    How vicious and selfish and terrible
    Christ human beings can suck

  • Isobelley August 29th, 2013 3:25 AM

    I feel like high school is a really bad idea. I mean, it’s great to educate an entire country, but there are so many unhappy people there, and I think that if something is making so many people unhappy then it needs work.

  • Vasia August 29th, 2013 4:14 AM

    I’ll have to agree with you here. I’ve been going through an emotional patch in the last few months, and many diary entries usually make my anxiety even worse. I’ve come to a point where I just stop reading after the first couple of sentences. Of course by no means am I suggesting that their entries should stop being posted, as I understand that this is what the girls writing them are actually going through (my own diary entries kind of look like theirs too lately) and, besides, no one is forced to read them. However, I do wish that I could read more often about positive things that will make make me feel good about the world. Being a teenager doesn’t always have to mean being miserable, so I think that the fact that 50% of the diary entries have to do with anxiety, depression and mental illness may confuse girls (like myself) about what life really is like.

  • Anne August 29th, 2013 5:45 AM

    It would be nice to have some positivity but only if it’s honest… everyone should write the way they feel, even if it’s politically incorrect or maybe not a popular opinion, or downright negative. I for one am always happy to read Naomi’s for example because I too identify with it, and that’s comforting, a positive side to it. I do wish the diarists would be more positive but that’s probably my “Happy Hollywood Ending” desire, it’s sad but true life is probably more of a realist arthouse European movie.. (though sometimes I wonder if the high school suburban white picket fence prom queen stuff college dorm is actually comparable to how it really is in America..?) I’m particularly a little sad Naomi seems to have slipped a little when it seemed she was doing better.. made me think maybe I could deal with my own the same way and be done with it more easy than I thought, but that was a stupid way of thinking “oh, it’s not real, it’s just something you have to get over, actually I’m just as normal as the rest” which is of course not true. I hope everyone has some happier moments in the future <3

    • Naomi August 29th, 2013 12:15 PM

      hey anne, i have slipped, that is for sure – but i usually crash during summer time, and because i have been more focussed on getting better again than writing, i suppose i haven’t had the energy to be positive in my recent diaries.

      about the whole us always writing about hard shit and being sad or anxious, i think it is partly that we’ve all mentioned it this week so it seems more pronounced and partly that, it is HARD to write about being happy. when i am happy, i tend NOT to write about it, unless i am absolutely euphoric. sometimes i think writing and indulging might jinx happy feelings (which is ridiculous i know) and also, i just find it much easier to express “darker feelings” or even just, neutral, pondering feelings. it’s practice and habit more than anything and also i imagine that there is an underlying feeling that being sad or whatever, makes us more deep (which is obviously not true).

      although i can definitely point to past diary entries where i have expressed happiness/contentment, sometimes i want to keep my happiness to myself too. often it involves other people and i feel uncomfortable writing about them and revealing all. i’d rather enjoy those happy moments and be present in them than think about how i am going to write about them. whereas writing about harder stuff is a distraction from it and can be cleansing and sharing it with rookie readers is a kind of therapy.

  • insanejane August 29th, 2013 6:34 AM

    Ruby’s diaries are just so perfectly written. I feel like I’m gonna live this next week, when all the new faces I’m expecting right now will be, in fact, just old faces, I still remember and I didn’t want to see anymore. Thank you so much for sharing this Ruby.
    http://www.yellowintherainbow.tumblr.com

  • saramarit August 29th, 2013 6:36 AM

    It’s also struck me how focused the diaries are on anxiety and depression lately, it reminded me of the diaries I used to keep and then stopped keeping because I was essentially going round in circles. I realised that certain thoughts and feelings might never go away or not for a while anyway and thankfully I could still focus on other aspects of my life sometimes. Reading about anxiety is helpful at times but it can also be a trigger.

    Britney: I don’t know all of what you are going through but if you are in distress then you should definitely seek help. You may think that no one will understand you but therapists and counselors have heard it all before.

  • vintagebarbie August 29th, 2013 8:57 AM

    Ruby, that was a really interesting way of thinking about school and I am realizing how right you are. My school starts in a couple of days and I am so insanely nervous to start 8th grade at my middle school.

  • vintagebarbie August 29th, 2013 9:04 AM

    Ruby, I look forward to your diary every single week. You are such an interesting person and i love the view you have over things that people deal with day to day like school and just have some sort of similar comparison to something so far away from the topic of school such as a hospital. Awesome job Ruby!
    http://howfittingblog.blogspot.com

  • strawberryhair August 29th, 2013 9:06 AM

    Love for all the diarists <3 you are all talented writers and very beautiful and special people. It will get better.

  • Chloe22 August 29th, 2013 9:36 AM

    Beginning another school year is never fun for me. I didn’t get the world’s best grades last year, so I’m really paranoid about grades. Whenever I feel like this I just try to remember some of the good things coming up, like my extra curricular classes (and okay, winter break!)
    http://rhinestonemoon.blogspot.com/

  • Jaime August 29th, 2013 10:50 AM

    Eh, I strongly disagree about hiring a “happy” diarist. These girls are happy sometimes! They are sad at other times! Being a teenage girl is EMOTIONAL and frankly I think a diarist who’d specifically get hired to present an optimistic point of view would not be entirely honest.

    Many times in my life, when I’ve insisted that other people be happy, it was because I didn’t want to face my own emotions. I wonder if the smart ladies who have a difficult time with these diaries because of the emotional content should instead start writing their own journals — not for publication, but to sort out their emotions and go through the real and beautiful struggle that comes with trying to find optimism and wonder in the world.

    • Britney August 29th, 2013 12:34 PM

      I really appreciate this comment because it’s true. There are times when we’re happy and times when we’re sad, and diaries are meant to reflect those emotions. Someone here in the comments said that they’d rather us be genuine in our diaries than fake being happy when we’re really not, and I agree with that, because then faking it would be going against the whole idea of a diary.

    • oh-ntsh August 30th, 2013 1:55 PM

      I totally agree with you, Jaime.

  • saramarit August 29th, 2013 12:35 PM

    For the record I don’t think they should change the diarists!

  • Bene August 29th, 2013 2:25 PM

    Ruby, I don’t know if this helps at all, but for me and most people I know, year ten (sophomore year) was the turning point in school. It went from a cesspit of teen angst and bitchiness and depression into something half okay (or at least, if still horrible, then horrible in a new and refreshing way). So even if it is bad, it will be better. Everything shifts slightly. It’s like everyone has settled into their new, adult selves, and everything gets better after that.

  • Princess Mononoke August 29th, 2013 5:44 PM

    These are kind of capturing my feelings right now. I’m going to high school for the first time on Tuesday. I’m getting really anxious, because its not only my first time going to high school but my first time going to school at all. I’ve been homeschooled for most of my life and I’m really scared about going to school, it’s like I’ve got this scared sick feeling inside I can’t get rid of and I get overcome with moments of absolute dread and fear. I’m really worried about it and I don’t know who to talk to; I’m scared of failing or being singled out. Please help, no one else understands.

  • GlitterKitty August 29th, 2013 8:52 PM

    Oh gosh just massive hugs to everyone.

  • rookierenee August 30th, 2013 4:47 AM

    Princess Mononoke, big hug for you. High school is just so…complicated and frustrating but sometimes it gets good and when it does, it’s REALLY good. Tips: don’t expect too much and read a lot of good tips here at Rookie. Just ugghh I’m really glad that I’m graduating and getting out of my high school soon, but it the gladness is more of a i-survived-! gladness (see Britney’s post about graduating middle school!). It’s tough, it really is, and completely depressing and maddening at times, but you learn a lot, gain a lot of insights and shit so YEAH, just GET READY <3