Dear Diary

August 21, 2013

Summer’s over.


Sometimes, quite randomly, I experience these terrible, overwhelming bouts of sorrow. They are rare, but that doesn’t lessen the pain. When I woke up this morning, I felt like something was pressing down on my chest, preventing me from breathing. I stumbled out of bed, groaning as I tried to find the strength to stand. The warmth of the sunlight spilling in through my window blanketed my legs. Usually I would be happy for this sudden heat, but today it felt like fire. I pulled my blanket up to my face and screamed into it: “Why?!” Tears ran down my cheeks and formed small wet patches on my pajamas, but they provided no release—they just seemed useless and stupid. I seem useless and stupid.

The sadness has intensified lately. I want to tell someone what is happening, but what would I even say? What is the point of this sadness? The way to solve a problem is to get to the root of it and yank it out, but what if it just keeps going and going and going forever and you can never find the source? All you can do is keep shoveling dirt over it until it is hidden, but it will spring back up every once in a while and there is nothing you can do about it. ♦


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  • mscorgancobain August 21st, 2013 7:25 PM

    Oh Ruby, you go and get shit done girl! I know you can do it. Also, 90′s mall-goths are literally the best type of goths.

  • strawberryhair August 21st, 2013 7:30 PM

    I hope you have a really good year, Ruby. And I would lovelovelove to have you burst into my History class like that <3

  • Dylan August 21st, 2013 7:33 PM




  • ColoredSoft August 21st, 2013 7:35 PM

    I love all of you guys…so much…we can get through this year, okay? We will.

  • TessAnnesley August 21st, 2013 7:45 PM

    Darling Ruby, I know how it feels to be so dark inside and to do things for no reason, anything to try and stop it hurting – but you’ve survived, and I know this year is going to be awesome for you. Ankle boots and all. YOU CAN D IT!!!!

  • o-girl August 21st, 2013 7:50 PM

    dear ruby,
    I love your diary entry so much, probably because it hits very close to home. I am dreading school, but telling myself the words Kate Nash tells me–that I’m a “badass bitch from hell and no one can fuck with me.” That I will get straight A’s and always pay attention and write tons and have a soundtrack and really great style and it makes me feel better to know that being who I want to be is possible. That I really am who I want to be and improving (trying not to make this sound like I really hate myself, because all I’m saying is that I have faults that are so easy to fix) is possible. That maybe, despite the cliches, the new school year is actually a chance to have a new mindset. I know that you’re brilliant, that you’re amazing and gorgeous and I know you know that too (and I know you don’t give a shit if those “hipster assholes” don’t understand that). I don’t know where this is leading, so I’ll just say that I love you and go and try to find about new things and learn and be awesome and that it’s possible to have a fun school year (I didn’t realize this until I wrote it).

  • Monica B August 21st, 2013 8:01 PM

    Hey Ruby –

    I’ve got it goin’ on as well. By that, I mean, I spent the last school year depressed and angry and apathetic for seemingly no reason at all. I wasn’t as depressed as you; then again, how do you compare a state like that? Maybe I just had a different depression, one that made me gloss over when someone said something mean about my shoes, one that made me listless, too tired to think or exist or do anything.

    So now, when I think about school, I think about that. I don’t get angry and want to punch something like you do – I have no momentum. My potential energy is so low. I just get scared, scared that it’s all going to be like that again. It’s been two days and I already feel the apathy creeping in, I’ve thought about ditching like six classes. It seems like all I can do to make it NOT as awful as next year, as pointless, as wasteful. I’m trying, and I see you’re trying too. We can both do it.

  • rottedteeth August 21st, 2013 8:06 PM

    Naomi I hope to be in your position in 2 years!

    Ruby I have this sort of mantra I say whenever I’m at school “keep your head down and your mouth shut ” I used to be way too outspoken.

  • dobby_is_my_hero August 21st, 2013 8:07 PM

    Ruby you are one badass bitch. I can totally relate about trying not to have a miserable year this time around even though sometimes loneliness and emptiness are so alluring. I believe in you and I believe you can get through this. Remember the summer. Listen to This Year by the Mountain Goats. You were gloriously happy once and you will be so again. Things matter, people care, there are good days. TEAM RUBY FTW

    • Tavi August 21st, 2013 10:00 PM

      “Things matter, people care, there are good days” is my new mantra, TY.

    • rhymeswithorange August 22nd, 2013 2:26 AM

      I totally listened to This Year the last two years of school, it is a great motivational song :)

  • dobby_is_my_hero August 21st, 2013 8:17 PM

    Britney you are not useless and stupid you are magnificent and dazzling and while your plant metaphor was lovely, I really think you should talk to someone besides the Internet about your sadness because sometimes real people are helpful with addressing real problems and I want you to be not sad. *hugs*

  • Tiger August 21st, 2013 8:47 PM

    Ruby, I love you. You are such an amazing human being, so just, never forget that, no matter how hard life seems. <3 <3

  • Sophie ❤ August 21st, 2013 10:58 PM

    Congrats, Naomi- you’re an amazing writer, so I can see why they chose you!

  • sloththefifth August 21st, 2013 11:46 PM

    Oh girls, my heart is so full of love for you. SO full. These dear diaries and their comments always fill me with a sense of companionship and compassion.

    I don’t know if you have heard of Cheryl Strayed, but she is an author from Portland who writes this out-of-this-world, amazing, makes-your-heart-break-and-then-puts-it-back-together advice column called Dear Sugar for The Rumpus. I’m telling you all this because one day someone wrote her this letter: “Dear Sugar, WTF WTF WTF? I’m asking this question because it applies to everything every day.” Her response was “Ask better questions, Sweet Pea. The fuck is your life. Answer it.”

    xoxoxox K

  • willowrox9 August 22nd, 2013 4:08 AM

    Ruby, please talk to someone about this! Stay strong xx

  • Tara A. August 22nd, 2013 4:09 AM

    Congratulations Naomi! I’m sure you’ll do wonderfully x

  • eremiomania August 22nd, 2013 4:21 AM

    Katherine really makes me sad I’m an only child, wow. And Ruby makes me feel… confident about starting as a freshman? terrified? eager? I’m not quite sure

  • moonshine28 August 22nd, 2013 6:55 AM

    Naomi, I wish you the best in everything! I cry every time I listen to Taylor Swift’s ‘Never Grow Up’ maybe you could give it a listen?!? Love you all xxx

  • Saana V August 22nd, 2013 9:51 AM

    Katherine, I no longer feel alone with how much i love my brother! i mean he’s my role model and best friend and the most important person of my life and everyone just seems to hate their siblings and i’m just ??? why?? because yea man, having a brother is awesome. He’s probably the only person i am never sick of tbh and that’s a big achievement.

    And Ruby – i feel you. All of that. And you know, I did something special for my hair on the first day of school (I’ve survived of two weeks of it by now) but i’ve returned to the good old hobo look now.

  • anything_bas August 22nd, 2013 10:26 AM

    Loved this week’s diaries so much! Naomi so much is waiting for you out there, Katherine you are SRSLY one of my favourite writers and I JUST DIG YOU and Ruby your closing sentence was perfection itself.

  • oh-ntsh August 22nd, 2013 10:48 AM

    Ruby, you’re such an amazing girl and you should feel this badass that you are in every single room that you step foot.

    Britney, I can relate so much to this feeling. Sometimes I’ll try to come with strategies to get through such days but no success so far.

  • LaurenMichele August 22nd, 2013 10:53 AM

    Ruby, I believe in you! I know you can do this! Go get shit done, girl! <3

  • Stienz August 22nd, 2013 11:36 AM

    Ruby. Your diary entries are my favourite thing and if you felt this past year was terrible, at least know that your thoughts were beautiful and made a lot of girls feel less alienated.

    Also, I find your ability to break social conventions and to not only be a nihilist in theory pretty bad-ass.

    Go and get shit done, we believe in you.

  • EchoMox August 22nd, 2013 1:12 PM

    I have to recommend “Teenage Liberation Handbook…” by Grace Llewellyn. Also – “The Day I Became an Autodidact”.

  • Suzy X. August 22nd, 2013 1:59 PM

    Yo Ruby, keep your chin up. You can make it! #MallgothSolidarity

  • Indraswari Sekar August 22nd, 2013 2:07 PM

    I am a 16 yearold student from indonesia & I feel that way too..
    Ruby you are not alone ;)

  • Sekar August 22nd, 2013 2:45 PM

    I am a 16 yearold student from Indonesia & I feel that way too..
    Ruby you are not alone ;)

  • abby111039 August 22nd, 2013 5:22 PM

    Britney and Ruby: major hugs to you both. I’m going through this shit too. <3

  • Ruby B. August 22nd, 2013 10:31 PM

    Britney, I feel you. Beautifully accurate metaphor.

  • ceri August 23rd, 2013 12:29 AM

    Katherine– your reationship with your brother is really beautiful and inspiring. I have an older brother who just went off to college. We’re friends, but not in such a close way as you and your brother seem, but I hope someday we will be. :)

  • wishfulwanderer August 23rd, 2013 1:25 AM

    TEAM RUBY!!!!
    Girl, you got this. I’m in the same grade as you and i’m starting soon too and we can both do it. Tenth grade will be infinitely better than ninth. xxx

  • _holly_ August 23rd, 2013 9:33 PM

    Yesterday was my first day of tenth grade. Your entry perfectly explained every thought and emotion I have been going through. Being so dark and depressed is the worse place to be because it only makes you more angry. It’s a vicious cycle.

    I love that you have a positive outlook on this year. I’m trying so hard to that, but it seems like there’s no hope for me..

    • Anaheed August 23rd, 2013 10:19 PM

      If hope exists for Ruby it exists for you. In the sage words of Dobby Is My Hero, “Things matter, people care, there are good days.” That goes for you too, Holly!

  • monsterserenade August 24th, 2013 10:07 AM

    I’ve never read any of the Dear Diary entries before, but I’m really glad I read these! They were all fantastic. Dear everybody – I love you!

  • sey_mour_sey_less August 25th, 2013 4:36 PM

    I agree with the comment that said that you need to talk to someone about it, whether it’s a close friend or a family member. I know how you feel and getting it off your chest might help. I wish I could reach out and give you a tight hug…I really do.

  • Pia August 25th, 2013 4:36 PM

    Ruby.. .have you thought about getting your GED? Maybe school is too toxic for you and you are trying to fit into a box that will never be able to contain you…

  • Anouk August 26th, 2013 12:00 PM

    Naomi you can do it! Just realize a lot of people (including me) are in the same place as you, leaving home and start a new chapter. I’m sure you will be fine and everything will turn out okay!

  • thelostone August 26th, 2013 7:48 PM

    I really love these journals because they expose insecurities’ and a lot of these people have an amazing writing style. I hope that maybe one day I’ll contribute to these journals and impact young girls to continue to motivate themselves and not be upset by the stigma set by the mainstream media. Until then I’m happy reading them.

  • blueolivia September 6th, 2013 6:48 PM

    ruby, your situation sounds a lot like me. i hated the anxiety meds, even though they did help me. but now that i’ve finally transitioned off, i feel a lot better. i know they helped, but it does get better eventually. even if it doesn’t feel like it will. i never thought i’d stop sitting on the floor or couch or bed and crying for hours. i never thought i’d stop getting so panicked that i blacked out and forgot what i had done. i never thought it would end. but it did. and its still hard sometimes, but it’s so worth it. things do get better.