Dear Diary

July 3, 2013

And July starts with a yeeeuuuuuuggggggh.

Katherine

I’m home alone on Thursday night, packing for a family vacation. My brother and my parents have already left; I’m flying down the next morning with my grandmother, who has needed someone to accompany her since her surgery last year. When I step into the bathroom to brush my teeth I am NOT happy with what I find there—my brother’s full tube of Colgate, my crusty, empty tube of Crest, and the ripped-open box of what would have been my new toothpaste. I scream and throw the empty box at the wall.

A week ago, I accidentally locked my brother and his friend out of the house. I opened the back door to the house and when I went back inside, I locked the door out of habit. When I finally figured out what ha happened and let my brother back into the house, he stared at me and hissed, “Ohhhhhhh. Maiiyyyyyyy. Godddddddddd.” He later told me that his friend had said, “This isn’t the first stupid thing she’s done.”

Not too long ago, my brother made a huge deal of me dropping a glass of water while I was talking to him in the kitchen. It was my fault—I gesture with my hands when I speak and I’m relatively clumsy, so I spill or knock something over about once a week. Every time he makes a comment about my mistakes, he makes it clear that he thinks I am stupid by rolling his eyes, lowering his chin and recounting every other time I’ve messed up. I’m not just clumsy or spacey, his expression implies, but a special kind of stupid that only I could be.

I send my brother a text: “W T F why did u take my tube of tuthpaste when u have a FULL TUBE and I JUST GOT BACK FROM WALGREENS” followed by about one million texts saying “O M G,” “Never talk to me again,” or “Easily the stupidest thing you’ve ever done”—all verbatim reactions he’s had to similarly small mistakes I’ve made in the past. He texts back three words: “Get a grip.” I’ve lost. ♦

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21 Comments

  • martaosbourne July 3rd, 2013 7:30 PM

    Oh Ruby I hope you get better

    Chin up!

  • WitchesRave July 3rd, 2013 7:32 PM

    Naomi, i feel like we are all growing with you and I really connect with your diary entries, so keep writing whatever the hell you feel like writing cuz it’ll always be riddled with deeper meaning and beautidully worded!

    Love your collage Caitlin!

    witchesrave.tumblr.com

  • Octopus July 3rd, 2013 7:49 PM

    I have summer work too, ruby. I was in and out of hospitals all year :(

  • Kya July 3rd, 2013 7:59 PM

    Britney I feel you.

  • hellorose July 3rd, 2013 8:04 PM

    Naomi –
    I’m sure you know this, but I thought it might be worth saying to everyone generally: if the pill you’re on continues to fuck with your hormones it is perfectly fine to go back to your GP or gynecologist and ask for a different sort. A friend of mine endured several months of pill-induced depression on the first pill her doctor prescribed (which I believe was the usual one they hand out on the NHS – Microgynon) before figuring out the cause and switching. Obviously it takes a while for your body to get used to new medication, but if your pill causes side effects you’re not okay with there is no point suffering through them needlessly.

    NB: I’m not a medical health professional, just someone who has been on the pill (various ones) for several years.

    • whiskeytangofoxtrot July 4th, 2013 1:03 PM

      I was going to say something similar! I lost all my friends, literally, when I was on the pill. The decline happened so slowly, so insidiously, that I didn’t even know to equate it with the pill until I stopped taking it. I just slowly turned into a self-loathing and angry monster that everyone avoided, while I was busy stomping around, wrongly blaming them for being inconsiderate and awful friends without realizing how terrible I was being in the first place. It was two year pity party that no one but me attended.

      Not everyone reacts this way to the pill, of course, I just think it’s important to remain steadfast in our self-awareness with what is and isn’t above and beyond our normal emotional behaviour and reactions when dealing with altering our hormonal balance.

  • TessAnnesley July 3rd, 2013 8:19 PM

    oh my goodness can i just give ruby the biggest hug in history

  • Katherine July 3rd, 2013 9:02 PM

    Katherine, that’s awful! I’m so sorry that he’s being such an ass.

  • wishfulwanderer July 3rd, 2013 10:19 PM

    Ruby, I feel you.. I feel like summer is supposed to be OMGSUPERFUNTIMESSUMMERROMANCECARNIVALSPARTIESBEACHES!!
    and it’s just kinda ok.

  • GlitterKitty July 3rd, 2013 10:45 PM

    Oh Caitlin I feel you girl. Hopefully the summer excitement picks up soon for both of us.

  • bookish July 3rd, 2013 11:30 PM

    *agrees with user who mentioned ruby-hugging* much love to you, ruby.
    also Britney,
    also everyone.
    <3

  • Sophie ❤ July 4th, 2013 7:02 AM

    Britney: I completely feel you.

    http://plainlysophie.com

  • Lorf96 July 4th, 2013 12:25 PM

    Hey Britney I feel u; this was me a year ago when I left my old secondary school at last. My last year there was terrible but it gets so much better well done for surviving!xxx

  • abby111039 July 4th, 2013 4:52 PM

    Ruby, I hear you. Except in addition to being in the hospital at the end of the school year, I’m going to be in an all-day outpatient program for most of the summer. So yeah, it doesn’t even feel like summer to me either.

  • kolumbia July 5th, 2013 1:18 AM

    Ruby, I missed almost an entire quarter of school last year because I was in the hospital, and ended up with TONS of online school. But, it was worth it because I wasn’t miserable, unstable, and driving myself and everyone around me crazy! Now, in addition to having a regular schedule, I have a social life too.

    Katherine, I FEEL YOU!!! Sometimes I get along with my brother really well, but other times all he wants to do is point out every way I have ever been wrong in the history of time. It’s like he’s incapable of apologizing for anything, or ever admitting that he’s at fault, so he just brings up something I did five years ago to contradict me. I can’t wait for him to get a little older (he’s 14) and stop being such a turd all the time.

  • JessicaTree July 5th, 2013 5:07 AM

    I love watching Wimbledon Naomi, I feel the same, I love the adrenalin you get from watching it, is that weird?

    I have only just started reading the diary entries, but all you guys are awesome <3

  • imfrankierosized July 5th, 2013 11:11 AM

    Katherine, I can relate to your entry. I went to the jersey shore last weekend with my mom’s church on a church retreat. There was a girl I had been “friends” with, which started pretty much bullying me- constantly telling me I was stupid and always telling me who I should be, what I should act like and also constantly pulling me into a half nolan, shoving me etc… The next day she continued to do the same and I ended up pinning her down, no punches involved. I was just trying to get out of her grip, landing on top of her. I know violence is never the answer…Unfortunately her mom was there to see the whole thing.
    Now I’m being labeled as ‘stupid’ by her and other supposed “friends” more often and have to go on a week long trip with her this coming Sunday.

    There was supposed to be a moral of the story, just to tell you to not pay attention to him and to never change, good luck.

  • zari July 5th, 2013 11:33 AM

    Ahaa Britney I feel this too! The-super-happy-feeling-when-you’re-out-of-junior-high-school feels

  • zari July 5th, 2013 11:34 AM

    By the way guys wish me luck for surviving high school