Dear Diary

July 3, 2013

And July starts with a yeeeuuuuuuggggggh.

Naomi

The white against green and the steady tick-tock of ball against racquet strings at Wimbledon is very calming for me this time of year. It’s the most pleasant background static there is. I like the precision and skill, the neat boxes and the ball bouncing right on the line. I like watching the tennis players’ lightning-fast reactions to a ball’s trajectory from the moment it leaves their opponent’s racquet, especially when they instinctively reach for the return even though their eyes can see that the ball is going to falter and hit the net. They perform like highly trained animals and I find them fascinating to watch.

I asked my boyfriend if I should write about Wimbledon for my diary this week, and he said, “Nah, no one wants to read about tennis.” I suppose he is right, it is kind of pointless if you don’t like or watch tennis. Thank you for indulging me.

It might be because I started the pill recently and my hormones have been affected, but I have teared up quite easily the last few weeks. I don’t mind it—in fact I think I like it. I used to never be able to cry, even when I felt the most intense frustration. Instead of letting it out, I tightened up around it.

I learned to quash my emotions at school. I remember crying within those walls only once, dripping hot tears into the keys of my computer during a German lesson because my workload was stressing me out. I never felt stable or safe at school, and never found solid friends. It made me close up so much. Stoicism became second nature, and it is a hard habit to break.

I still harden myself to friends and acquaintances, even ones I have known for years. I doubt I could cry in front of the majority of my friends even if I wanted to. Being in a relationship, though, I have learned to soften. I’ve already cried twice in front of my boyfriend in the two weeks we’ve been together, and for me that is a lot. This is a new kind of intimacy for me. ♦

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21 Comments

  • martaosbourne July 3rd, 2013 7:30 PM

    Oh Ruby I hope you get better

    Chin up!

  • WitchesRave July 3rd, 2013 7:32 PM

    Naomi, i feel like we are all growing with you and I really connect with your diary entries, so keep writing whatever the hell you feel like writing cuz it’ll always be riddled with deeper meaning and beautidully worded!

    Love your collage Caitlin!

    witchesrave.tumblr.com

  • Octopus July 3rd, 2013 7:49 PM

    I have summer work too, ruby. I was in and out of hospitals all year :(

  • Kya July 3rd, 2013 7:59 PM

    Britney I feel you.

  • hellorose July 3rd, 2013 8:04 PM

    Naomi –
    I’m sure you know this, but I thought it might be worth saying to everyone generally: if the pill you’re on continues to fuck with your hormones it is perfectly fine to go back to your GP or gynecologist and ask for a different sort. A friend of mine endured several months of pill-induced depression on the first pill her doctor prescribed (which I believe was the usual one they hand out on the NHS – Microgynon) before figuring out the cause and switching. Obviously it takes a while for your body to get used to new medication, but if your pill causes side effects you’re not okay with there is no point suffering through them needlessly.

    NB: I’m not a medical health professional, just someone who has been on the pill (various ones) for several years.

    • whiskeytangofoxtrot July 4th, 2013 1:03 PM

      I was going to say something similar! I lost all my friends, literally, when I was on the pill. The decline happened so slowly, so insidiously, that I didn’t even know to equate it with the pill until I stopped taking it. I just slowly turned into a self-loathing and angry monster that everyone avoided, while I was busy stomping around, wrongly blaming them for being inconsiderate and awful friends without realizing how terrible I was being in the first place. It was two year pity party that no one but me attended.

      Not everyone reacts this way to the pill, of course, I just think it’s important to remain steadfast in our self-awareness with what is and isn’t above and beyond our normal emotional behaviour and reactions when dealing with altering our hormonal balance.

  • TessAnnesley July 3rd, 2013 8:19 PM

    oh my goodness can i just give ruby the biggest hug in history

  • Katherine July 3rd, 2013 9:02 PM

    Katherine, that’s awful! I’m so sorry that he’s being such an ass.

  • wishfulwanderer July 3rd, 2013 10:19 PM

    Ruby, I feel you.. I feel like summer is supposed to be OMGSUPERFUNTIMESSUMMERROMANCECARNIVALSPARTIESBEACHES!!
    and it’s just kinda ok.

  • GlitterKitty July 3rd, 2013 10:45 PM

    Oh Caitlin I feel you girl. Hopefully the summer excitement picks up soon for both of us.

  • bookish July 3rd, 2013 11:30 PM

    *agrees with user who mentioned ruby-hugging* much love to you, ruby.
    also Britney,
    also everyone.
    <3

  • Sophie ❤ July 4th, 2013 7:02 AM

    Britney: I completely feel you.

    http://plainlysophie.com

  • Lorf96 July 4th, 2013 12:25 PM

    Hey Britney I feel u; this was me a year ago when I left my old secondary school at last. My last year there was terrible but it gets so much better well done for surviving!xxx

  • abby111039 July 4th, 2013 4:52 PM

    Ruby, I hear you. Except in addition to being in the hospital at the end of the school year, I’m going to be in an all-day outpatient program for most of the summer. So yeah, it doesn’t even feel like summer to me either.

  • kolumbia July 5th, 2013 1:18 AM

    Ruby, I missed almost an entire quarter of school last year because I was in the hospital, and ended up with TONS of online school. But, it was worth it because I wasn’t miserable, unstable, and driving myself and everyone around me crazy! Now, in addition to having a regular schedule, I have a social life too.

    Katherine, I FEEL YOU!!! Sometimes I get along with my brother really well, but other times all he wants to do is point out every way I have ever been wrong in the history of time. It’s like he’s incapable of apologizing for anything, or ever admitting that he’s at fault, so he just brings up something I did five years ago to contradict me. I can’t wait for him to get a little older (he’s 14) and stop being such a turd all the time.

  • JessicaTree July 5th, 2013 5:07 AM

    I love watching Wimbledon Naomi, I feel the same, I love the adrenalin you get from watching it, is that weird?

    I have only just started reading the diary entries, but all you guys are awesome <3

  • imfrankierosized July 5th, 2013 11:11 AM

    Katherine, I can relate to your entry. I went to the jersey shore last weekend with my mom’s church on a church retreat. There was a girl I had been “friends” with, which started pretty much bullying me- constantly telling me I was stupid and always telling me who I should be, what I should act like and also constantly pulling me into a half nolan, shoving me etc… The next day she continued to do the same and I ended up pinning her down, no punches involved. I was just trying to get out of her grip, landing on top of her. I know violence is never the answer…Unfortunately her mom was there to see the whole thing.
    Now I’m being labeled as ‘stupid’ by her and other supposed “friends” more often and have to go on a week long trip with her this coming Sunday.

    There was supposed to be a moral of the story, just to tell you to not pay attention to him and to never change, good luck.

  • zari July 5th, 2013 11:33 AM

    Ahaa Britney I feel this too! The-super-happy-feeling-when-you’re-out-of-junior-high-school feels

  • zari July 5th, 2013 11:34 AM

    By the way guys wish me luck for surviving high school