Sunday night I was hanging out at home with my brother, and naturally our conversation turned to the Kardashians. We’re into them and love their shows. We had determined which Kardashian each member of our own family is most like and were beginning to refine these comparisons when my mom walked into the kitchen. Davis told her who was who, then he began to list everyone’s secondary Kardashian personality, assigning secondary Kardashian personalities as he went along, like: “Mom is the Scott Disick of Kris Jenners. Katherine’s the Kim Kardashian of Kourtney Kardashians. I’m like…what am I? Just Khloé?” And I was like, “Yeah lol.” Later I said he was the Kylie Jenner of Lamar Odoms of Khloé Kardasians, but mostly he’s just a more self-aware Khloé and is sore because he would rather be Kourtney because she’s our favorite. Mom was agitated because we told her she was Kris, but she remembered that we once told her that we hate Kris. But she can’t deny that they’re twins, down to the fact that they both love any house decoration that has a rooster on it. Dad may have some Bruce Jenner or Lamar Odom in his equation, but he mostly transcends comparison.
I may have been the only person who didn’t complain about their Kardashian analogue. In fact I am OVER THE MOON about mine. Sometimes Kim and Khloé just don’t catch on to what is going on around them, but Kourtney always knows what’s up. She’s the smartest Kardashian sister, and she knows that too. Also, she does this thing where she’ll be trying to help someone and she’ll ask, “What is this doing for you?” and sometimes when her sisters are tormenting her she will call them “you sick freaks,” which proves how alike we are because that’s how I react to my brother and he’s being annoying, and I’m always doubtful that anything I do is actually beneficial to anyone.
Netflix Instant provides a single word in its “this show is” section for Keeping Up With the Kardashians: scandalous. This makes no sense. What is “scandalous” about the Kardashians?! OK, there was a sex tape, but is that really, truly “scandalous”? It’s definitely a scandal in that many media outlets reported on it, but it’s not shocking, it’s just something people habitually call a “scandal.” Anyway, only the first episode of the first season really deals with the aftermath of Kim’s tape. Is it just that the Kardashians’ money, their tendency to rock club wear in the daytime, and their frequent mentions of genitalia (usually via the euphemisms “saussige” and “vajeen”) give them an aura of “scandal”? They’re a tight family that’s concerned mostly with supporting one another and making loads of money—what could be tamer than that? ♦