Dear Diary

June 5, 2013

Talking to strangers.

Ruby

I’ve had a crush on Sophia* since the first day of school. A crush that is platonic, but burning. It is actually much more than a wish-I-was-your-friend crush. It’s an obsession. It’s looking at pictures of her and memorizing her face, and trying to follow her to her classes so I can watch her hair sway behind her. She is perfect. Until last Friday, she did not know I existed.

Sophia is a senior this year. Friday was her last day of school, excluding exams. I had been spending two months vowing to say hi to her before she left for college and I’d never see her again, but I didn’t have the courage. Every time I tried to approach her I felt my heart race and couldn’t get any closer.

Then on Friday I was in study hall in the school cafeteria, sitting at a table with some acquaintances, just listening to music and minding my own business, when Sophia and her pack swooped through the door and sat down two tables away. Sophia was had her hair up in a bun and was wearing shorts and a tank top. She looked like a goddess. My brain stopped. I ran out of the room.

Fifteen minutes later I had gathered myself and was ready to re-enter. Just as I was about to walk through the door, Sophia walked through the other way. I experienced her passing in slow motion, free strands of hair framing her face and blowing backwards. I thought about how this was the last time I would ever see her. I felt my legs propel me forward and suddenly I was right in front of her, looking at her face.

What came out of my mouth was completely involuntary. I was so stunned by this sudden, unprecedented proximity and eye contact that I asked if I could hug her. She said yes and I wrapped my arms around her and didn’t squeeze because she is delicate and I was afraid I would break her. Then I did something else unexpected: I gave a very loud and passionate speech confessing my feelings about/for her. I don’t remember the words of it. It had something about “infinite beauty.” Then I ran away.

She chased me. I thought I was about to get beat up. But she caught up and told me to give her another hug. “You’re too cute,” she said. I said something along the lines of “uvhbsjkndckbs.” I walked straight into a wall. Then I waited for her to leave.

My friend Sam was in the hallway. I couldn’t hear over the sound of my heart. I yelled to him and he came over. I felt like I was in a dream. I could barely get the words out for my euphoria. “I hugged Sophia.” ♦

* Not her real name.

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50 Comments

  • KatGirl June 5th, 2013 7:26 PM

    Loved Ruby’s entry!

  • dreamygirl June 5th, 2013 7:33 PM

    Congrats to Katherine! And Ruby, as a stalker of your ask.fm, I totally love hearing you write about this <333

  • 9ql June 5th, 2013 8:02 PM

    Oh my god. Ruby & “Sophia” 4ever.

  • Sophie ❤ June 5th, 2013 8:02 PM

    OMG, these were some of the bet diary entries ever!!! I love so so so much!!❤❤❤❤❤❤

    http://plainlysophie.com
    ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

  • rottedteeth June 5th, 2013 8:02 PM

    Oh Ruby you make me want to confront my ultimate friend crush now

    • 3LL3NH June 6th, 2013 3:17 PM

      Me too! I’m leaving this year and I really want to tell her she’s the most beautiful creature I’ve ever met.

  • alienbabe June 5th, 2013 8:04 PM

    I love Katherines entry.

    http://sweetandsourstyle.blogspot.com/

  • bawlingbrother June 5th, 2013 8:06 PM

    *Raphael. Who fact checks this?!

  • alienbabe June 5th, 2013 8:06 PM

    I shave my legs and armpit but not for approval of others, just because I prefer it. I hate how people feel like they HAVE to shave or they’ll be judged. who gives a fuck? your body your rules dude \m/

    http://sweetandsourstyle.blogspot.com/

  • GlitterKitty June 5th, 2013 8:07 PM

    Yessssss Ruby you did it! I would never have had the courage to do that. Nice job.

  • MaddsBeMe June 5th, 2013 8:25 PM

    Katherine <3 so perfect, the getting along with peoples mom's thing is the story of my life

  • Belinda June 5th, 2013 8:35 PM

    Unrelated question, but is the Rookie road trip happening again this year?

  • Lorelei June 5th, 2013 8:44 PM

    Aw, Katherine my dad used to always ask me to do stuff with him like go run errands or go walk the dogs or something like that. I turned him down so much that he mostly stopped asking me (he’d get really disappointed) :( You should ask yours to do something you enjoy! He’d probably do anything ya want just to hang out with you

    Ohmygosh Ruby there is this senior girl who just graduated Sunday that I’ve been admiring from afar for months. She is just really cool and different and listens to cool music and goes to awesome shows and is totally herself (which I think is quite an accomplishment) and she’s into a lot of the same stuff as me. I REALLY wanna talk to her but I’m way too shy so I just look at her tumblr and read her tweets and SHE’S MOVING AWAY IN LIKE 2 MONTHS SO I MISSED MY CHANCE

  • yumi June 5th, 2013 8:58 PM

    Oh Ruby, I can’t stop smiling <3
    And Naomi, I feel you…

  • chareth cutestory June 5th, 2013 9:03 PM

    katherine –

    I’ve noticed that rookie writers pointedly don’t mention specific colleges by name. however, I saw that you alluded to visiting smith college a few posts back. if this is one of your top two, GO TO SMITH! I’m from the valley and I know TONS of weird, awesome, intense girls like yourself who go there and LOVE it. I just have this odd feeling that you’d be really into it and feel really empowered there. if smith is one of the two, that is…

    if it’s not and you’re really having trouble deciding (and money isn’t a huge deciding factor between the two), I would suggest that you read a bunch of reviews online and figure out which college has the strangest, most diverse, awesomest-seeming group of students… and also see what people have to say about the classroom experience (do people have a hard time getting into the classes they want, or no? are classes big or small? are classes discussion-based and do people debate in an animated manner, or are classes lecture-based?). I’m suggesting the latter because you wrote some diary entries about feeling alienated/like you couldn’t say what was fully on your mind in class, and that strikes me as an issue because college is about LEARNING! if you can’t find the answers through reviews online, get in touch with admissions. they’ll answer your questions or connect you to a current student who will be able to.

    that’s all I got. GOOD LUCK DECIDING! probably both places would fit you fabulously, but in different ways.

  • disast3rology June 5th, 2013 9:05 PM

    RUBY, “sophia” is right; you’re super cute gurl

  • scin June 5th, 2013 9:06 PM

    katherine.
    i read in the new yorker that if a decision between two big ideas is very difficult, that means you can safely choose either – because if it was so easy to decide, one would be obviously better than the other. and if it’s hard to decide between the two, there’s obviously enough good reasons for both that you’ll never really know. they’re both good choices.

    also i did great at school, but it’s not always the best social environment for some people. i just really believe that everyone – based on their personality or skills or something – just are happier and are better at being people under different circumstances. maybe school just isn’t right.
    twerent for me.
    so….win win?

  • Merliss June 5th, 2013 9:13 PM

    BRITNEY I FEEL YOU

  • Eileen June 5th, 2013 9:19 PM

    love love love
    waitingforeuro.blogspot.com

  • erin June 5th, 2013 9:38 PM

    I feel like everybody secretly wants to be admired the way you admire sophia ruby! she sounds so cool I feel like I also would be obsessed with her! I’m no stranger to creeping on stylish, gorge girls from afar :D

  • backyardtapir June 5th, 2013 9:43 PM

    I shave too… basically because I’m not really pretty, so I can’t afford hairy legs/pits too. :/ I wish I didn’t have to.

    • backyardtapir June 5th, 2013 9:45 PM

      also I don’t know who to tell this to, but my display name (backyardtapir) doesn’t show up above my comments?

      • notnobody June 6th, 2013 1:19 PM

        Your display name appears on my screen, at least.

  • junebug June 5th, 2013 11:24 PM

    RUBY wow your friend crush experience is beautiful. I am potentially hanging out with my friend crush (slash actual crush, I have trouble with a lot of girls with I don’t know whether I want to be with them or be them stuff) this weekend and it’s basically a dream come true. She asked me and my BFF to go to chuck e cheese with her. <33

    Also Britney whoever told you you have the social skills of a rotting corpse is kind of an asshole haha you seem lovely by my standards anyway. You're what, 13/14, and you already like movies like Heathers? You're going to be the coolest f*cking 17-year-old ever.

  • taste test June 5th, 2013 11:29 PM

    “People would ask if I was on drugs, which I am not, and as much as I wish I could claim the label of rebellious eccentric, I’m a big hit with people’s moms and with random nurses in hospitals, so I can’t be that weird.”
    wow, this sentence is pretty much a summary of the past few years for me. my interests are too weird for a lot of other people my age, but apparently I’m either good at covering that up around Adults or they just don’t care as much, because they tend to like me.

    also, ruby- man, I wish I had the courage to do that. I had the biggest friend crush on this girl who lived down the hall last school year. I completely mangled the few conversations I had with her (one ended with me blurting out “I’m just boring” and then fleeing, not even joking) and I’ll probably never get another chance to talk to her, considering she won’t live down the hall anymore and she moves in far cooler social circles than I could hope to get into.

    http://xyzzyzzyzx.blogspot.com/

  • ColoredSoft June 5th, 2013 11:44 PM

    Naomi – yea, I don’t really know why I shave either! I mean, I like feeling smooth but?? That’s it.
    Katherine – I’m so proud of you and hope you are pleased with your final choice. Even if not, you’ll go really far okay? :)
    Ruby – that is so cute and I’m glad you got to speak to Sophie! This reminds me a lot of myself at some points.
    Britney – We’re pretty much almost the same. I hope we can both work it through

  • eremiomania June 5th, 2013 11:44 PM

    Naomi, you’re feeling obligated to not shave because shaving it is the conventional thing to do. I think feminism is about women doing whatever they want without caring about other people’s expectations which means you could completely choose to adhere to the societal expectation of a woman simply because you want to not because you feel you need to and you will still be a feminist! Anyone who says you’re not a feminist simply for shaving is demonstrating the close-minded thinking that needs to be stopped.

  • Tavi June 5th, 2013 11:44 PM

    Britney, I don’t mean this to sound all “BACK IN MY DAY” because I’m not that much older than you but my god, everything you write sounds straight out of my brain/journal in middle school and it feels like such a shock every time, not just because it’s so familiar but because it feels so far away and so long ago. High school is so much better for realsssss. You’re so close.

    Caitlin, you’re almost done!!!

    Naomi, I have been there and it lasted months and I think I wrote Danielle like 100 emails about it. I think if your relationship with feminism is at a point where you feel guilty and ashamed for something that does not hurt anyone (unless you want to be suuuuuper hard on yourself and somehow argue that by existing in public with shaved legs you are severely damaging women’s freedom to not shave) (YOU’RE NOT DOING THAT), it’s time to get it back to a place where you feel it helps, frees, and inspires you. For me it helped to be truly honest with myself and do a lot of private writing about what I felt I was doing wrong. I also was able to look back after enough time and see that all this guilt built up and kept me from becoming myself and from being healthy enough to think constructively about the movement and about other people. That created a sense of urgency and I guess now I have a more…discerning (?) sense of where I put my energy when it comes to these things. I don’t know if that helps, but I FEEL YOU.

    Katherine! Go you!

    Ruby, OMG OMG OMG.

    • roserach June 6th, 2013 9:55 PM

      Even your commenting is brilliant.

  • Ariella95 June 5th, 2013 11:56 PM

    Congrats Katherine! I bet either school will work out fine, because this time, you applied to schools you knew would be a good fit for you.

  • Aoife June 6th, 2013 12:53 AM

    Naomi, I feel you. 90% of the time I don’t shave my legs or underarms (I am European with daaaark hair too) but in summer especially there’s always the pressure if I’m being bare legged. A few of my friends run a ‘pit off’ every year where no one is allowed to shave under their arms for a month- the reactions are hilarious and revealing.

  • sungiant June 6th, 2013 2:33 AM

    RUBY!!!! that sounds like me as a freshman there were two seniors in my homeroom and they seemed like the COOLEST so i just admired them from afar until one day they asked if i wanted to go off campus for lunch with them!!! it was amazing even though i barely said anything the whole time.

  • unicornconnect June 6th, 2013 2:36 AM

    Ruby- that actually rocks so hard. It is so magical how you gave this whole big speech to this girl and then hugged her!!!!! That actually made me so happy. You rock.

  • hellorose June 6th, 2013 6:04 AM

    Aw Caitlin. Your drawing sums up how I felt about exams all through school and university. On the plus side though, they are so very nearly over AND when they are you need never do another exam again!!

    GOOD LUCK!

  • Bene June 6th, 2013 10:53 AM

    Ruby! I had the exact same thing when I was 14, I was completely obsessed with her, and I have memories of moments when she was walking past in the corridors and everything is a slow-motion blur of perfect floating hair and clothes and lips. I never had the courage to ever say anything to mine though. I am so jealous that you got to hug the object of your crush!

  • wallflower152 June 6th, 2013 11:28 AM

    Naomi, about the leg shaving thing I will again name drop one of my fav podcasts Stuff Mom Never Told You (women’s history, women’s health, feminism, gender issues, etc) They had a podcast that said in the early 1900s marketers had already hooked men into using razors for their faces and they wanted more money so they were like “let’s market to women” first they ran ads for just armpits then they decided legs. They cited surveys that most women today shave because they want to, I would recommend listening to the episode, it’s at least three years old so dig deep. I hate shaving my legs cuz I have eczema really bad on my legs and it makes them itch so bad like keeps me up at night bad. My fav thing about winter is that I get to go months without shaving my legs. I would like to stop shaving them but I think it looks gross but idk if it’s that I really think it looks gross or I have just been programmed to think that way. I mean I love how my legs look and feel when they’re smooth but that only lasts a day. I wouldn’t like to stop shaving my armpits though cuz with the sweat it just seems like the hygienic thing to do. Props to all the women out there who give beauty standards a big middle finger by rocking natural legs, I wish I had your confidence.

    Ruby, awesome. <3

  • Sorcha M June 6th, 2013 11:29 AM

    I like smooth skin, I hate stubbly skin, I like fluffy skin. I had a mental shift while I was in a hot country a while ago and just thought ‘fuck it’, and no one has bothered me about body hair yet. Though I just recently depilated my entire body to see if I liked it, and I feel like a plucked chicken. But each to their own. Feminism shouldn’t make people feel guilty, least of all women. I’ve been having some of this trouble with other things like my cleavage and short skirt habits, but I’ve surmised that this is for me. It’s hard to tell, though. Maybe I’ve just been socialised to death. Aaand the circular debate continues…

  • June 6th, 2013 12:02 PM

    Loving Ruby & Sophia! I want more.

  • ruby June 6th, 2013 12:07 PM

    Arrgghhh I can relate to Caitlin’s diary so much right now, I just did my first exam and it did not go well and now I’m scared that I won’t get the grade I need to go to college :(

  • Narnia June 6th, 2013 12:42 PM

    reading people’s inner thoughts make me feel less alone.

    thank you sharing these! Naomi’s particularly, is exactly how i feel right now

    • Narnia June 6th, 2013 1:13 PM

      and ruby’s situation is so close to mine! i developed my first real girl crush this year on a Senior, but I am too afraid to say anything.

  • bawlingbrother June 6th, 2013 12:42 PM

    tell katherine that i prefer the ‘raphael’ spelling and that she’s failed me and the online community for not knowing this. xoxo Raphael NOT Rafael

  • 3LL3NH June 6th, 2013 3:20 PM

    I love how many people in these comments have friend crushes :) I love finding out I’m not alone <3

  • galaxia June 6th, 2013 7:26 PM

    omg britney, i feel the exact same way all the time, it sucks.

    Naomi, i feel you.

  • Nimble June 6th, 2013 8:14 PM

    My crush on my friend is like that. Because she’s beautiful and nice to me. And best of all, she hugs me all the time.

  • saramarit June 7th, 2013 12:51 PM

    Ruby- I had a girl crush like this when I was in high school and her name actually was Sophia! She was a year older than me and I used to occasionally see her around school, always amazed at how beautiful she was. All I knew about her was that she took art and usually had her portfolio with her. I often saw her when she was walking alone but she didn’t seem lonely or without friends, she had a sort of protected glow about her. I never spoke to her but years later I googled her name and found out she’d gone on to do some pretty cool things, I wasn’t surprised at all.

    I love that you spoke to your crush and she was really cool too!

  • hanalady June 7th, 2013 6:20 PM

    Naomi. Britney. I feel you both so hard. You’re not the only ones.

  • Ally_O June 8th, 2013 9:51 AM

    Naomi’s entry could not be any more relevant to me!!! I HATE shaving my legs but still feel self conscious when they start to get furry. :( I am struggling with what to do.

    Also, Ruby, your life sounds so much more interesting than mine!!

  • cornly_ June 9th, 2013 5:57 AM

    i shave because, i’ll be honest here, i feel insecure when i dont. i mean, my friends are like these beautiful people and if you see us hanging about, you’d probably think i’m their maid or whatever.

    i hate shaving, I HATE SHAVING I WANT TO NOT SHAVE BUT SOME PEOPLE aRE dOUCHEBAGS WHO ONLY LIKE YOU IF YOU’RE PRETTY AND HAIRLESS AND FLAWLESS. AND YEAH, I ACTUALLY WANT PEOPLE TO LIKE ME BACK. BUT THE PROBS IS, SOCIETY ONLY FULLY ACCEPTS YOU IF YOU’RE LIKE, ONE OF THEM. IF YOU LOOK LIKE THEM IF YOU DRESS LIKE THEM ETC., ETC. I WANT TO BE ACCEPTED AND WANTED FOR WHO THE FUCK I AM.

    maybe i wont shave now. it’s gets boring and tiring and i hate shaving. i hate feeling insecure.

    and thanks Naomi, i liked your entry. it helped me think things through.

  • Kourtney June 10th, 2013 7:56 PM

    It’s quite amazing how I can relate some way, to each diary. It’s also incredibly awesome.

    Ruby! I’m so happy you got to talk to your crush. I had a few crushes back in middle school and I used to fawn over the profile pictures and even got a little ‘starstruck’ when I saw them around in my old neighborhood.

    BRITNEY! I HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH WHAT YOU ARE DEALING WITH FOR LIKE EVER. I recently got a job and I found it sooo hard to talk to some of my co-workers. It was hard to carry on conversation with some of them because I couldn’t think of what next to say. After I’d speak with them, I’d go home thinking that they thought I was pathetic or boring.

    I’ve wanted to just be, too. I’m tired of forcing smiles, and faking laughs, or just suffering through awkward conversations. It actually frustrates me sometimes. Especially when I think about the very few people I can actually have a normal conversation with.

    “Why can’t I just be? Why do I have to question everything and everyone? I’m sick of being sad and boring. I want to stop worrying about everything, or hating everything, or overindulging in everything. I want to stop bouncing between being a total hermit and pleasing everyone around me, and instead just live my life for me.” I couldn’t have said it better myself.