Dear Diary

June 26, 2013

The end of the school year didn’t come soon enough.


An unpleasant bout of anxiety has resurfaced recently. It feels like a tiny aftershock after an earthquake–scary, but tiny compared with how it used to be. I feel lucky; I am able to forget on a daily basis how horrendously out of control anxiety can make me feel, otherwise I am sure I’d have much more fear of it coming back for good. It’s unnerving, though, to feel the symptoms of panic and anxiety again. I’ve been waking up with an anxious nausea that intensifies when I can feel my thoughts start to bounce off each other randomly, never connecting. The world seems much harsher—objects feel rougher, and I am constantly on edge. I am readying myself to fight a lurking danger that may never come to the surface.

Now that school and exams are over, I have nothing to help burn away my nervousness—school at least gave me something to channel my energy into. The anxiety just sits there, congealing into a sick feeling that hides in my throat. It’s frustrating—I am probably the happiest I’ve been in a long time, I have everything I could need or want. But that doesn’t mean I don’t get anxious, and being “happy” comes with its own set of obligations and concerns: the pressure to leave the house every day, the pressure to be productive, to put my newfound freedom to good use. Sometimes I just want to stay in bed all day—and I know that’s all right to do occasionally, but a new thing that happens is that when I try to, I get restless. I have friends and a boyfriend I want to see, and I worry about when and how I am going to see them. Making plans gives me a certain amount of stress that I can’t really explain.

I want to be less selfish; I want to look after my friends. The more I get to know them, the more I see how much unhappiness there is spread among us. Everyone has their own shit they have to deal with. In some ways, it was easier to manage when my sadness was isolated and could imagine that everyone else was happy, at least. I am not sure whether it makes me feel better or worse to know that others feel this sadness, too. It seems unfair when people I care about feel depressed. But it’s comforting to know that after everything I’ve been through, I am uniquely qualified to help them navigate through it. I can point out symptoms and effects, I can listen and offer sympathy, but I don’t know how to make it better for them. ♦


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  • soviet_kitsch June 26th, 2013 7:12 PM

    ruby, i love your entries. you are beautiful.

  • Bex_cygnet June 26th, 2013 8:33 PM

    Naomi, I registered just to pass on how poignant and relatable I find your entries especially this week’s. Thank you for writing x

    • Bex_cygnet June 26th, 2013 8:40 PM

      whoops. The kiss was reflex. Awks, sorry!

  • Paige R. June 26th, 2013 8:33 PM

    Britney- I just graduated from middle school too. It felt like this in some ways, but different. I was going to a small catholic school, where most people had been there for almost their whole lives. I had only been there for 3 years, though and I hadn’t made many good friends. It felt like I was watching their graduation rather than experiencing my own. It felt unreal (and somewhat awkward).

    Anyways, I loved all of the entries. You guys write so beautifully!

  • rhymeswithorange June 26th, 2013 9:12 PM

    Katherine, I feel the same way about Spanish!! I realized when I listen to a non-native speaker, I can understand almost everything, but when I listen to a native speaker I am totally lost. This summer I’m going to try and listen to more Spanish music and watch movies too

  • elektraheart June 26th, 2013 9:53 PM

    I love languages and I want to master as many as I can before I get too old. Great entry, Katherine!

    • Graciexx June 27th, 2013 8:00 AM

      same here! I really want to be multilingual before I’m 20 :)

  • sungiant June 26th, 2013 10:27 PM

    Ruby!!! <3

  • alienbabe June 26th, 2013 10:34 PM

    Caitlin did a great job with the illustration!

  • Cassie N June 26th, 2013 10:48 PM

    oh britney, i just graduated middle school and i can relate!

  • Rebdomine June 27th, 2013 4:36 AM

    oh ruby, i love you!

  • Saana V June 27th, 2013 5:56 AM

    Katherine i feel you!
    and wow ruby as good as always and aa i have a lot to say but i can’t think of anything

    and britney, i was your age last year – the school system is a bit different here. A lot different actually, i’m a year away of going to high school. But what i was saying was that wow you are a lot more mature than i was last year. And you’ll do just fine in high school, i’m sure of it.

    • Saana V June 27th, 2013 6:06 AM

      and wow i had to make our school system sound more complicated so i think i’m on something like junior high now but totally not, and that actually the “high school” in here is something like high school but also is not?

  • Sophie ❤ June 27th, 2013 7:35 AM

    This is so absolutely beautiful- a and Ruby, I absolutely see you!

  • Chloe22 June 27th, 2013 9:38 AM

    Pardon my strong use of words, but that guy from prom, Britney- WAS A MORON! seriously, who does that? It’s so mean!

  • Kourtney June 27th, 2013 12:33 PM

    I love you Britney.

  • saramarit June 27th, 2013 12:42 PM

    Britney, a boy dumped me in the same way when I was your age but I ended up crying in the bathroom! Well done for not being lame like me! I also started high school not knowing anyone and made really good friends, you’ll be fine.

  • barbroxursox June 30th, 2013 5:29 PM

    Naomi, I’m feeling the same way! :/ Last summer my job gave me few hours and I barely made any money, so that stressed me out. But this summer they are giving me almost full-time work and I thought I’d like that, but it is also giving me anxiety… I wanna hang out with my friends but some of them are traveling/have other obligations, or I just have to plan meeting with them which wasn’t necessary during the school year when we would just go out on Friday and Saturday nights. I am not entirely unhappy; I am making a lot of money (yay!) and sometimes get to hang out with my friends. I just feel like I’m unintentionally distancing myself from my friends which sucks because we’re all going off to college in a couple months and will be physically distanced from each other.