My parents went on a trip and I’ve spent the week at home without them. Not much has changed except I killed my mom’s basil plant forgetting to water it and I possibly gained some weight. The latter I’m not sure about because I would never weigh myself with the family scale because it says “THINNER” on it and I’m grossed out by that. Every time I go to the doctor the person weighing me is like, “Wow…you hide it well, though,” wayyyy condescendingly. I would never tell someone about to stick a needle in me to fuck off, so I just roll my eyes and don’t acknowledge it further. I don’t know if they think that’s a compliment, but I kind of have a problem with people who mean to compliment or help you and end up being the worst. You all suck no matter your intention, suckbutts. Weighing is a lie and McFlurries are the only truth in the world.

Actually a concern is that I feel my muscles are atrophying. I was walking around my old college’s campus a few days ago and my legs felt slow to respond to my brain’s message to GET MOVING and I was like, “Hey, have my muscles atrophied?” I asked my dad to print out a schedule for yoga classes at the Y near my house. I’m against getting fit, but I might do this because I’m afraid of my muscles turning to goo and because I once tried yoga in high school and I liked it. It made me feel like a cat but also forced me to (unsuccessfully) confront my fear of handstands and forward rolls. In middle school I faked a hurt neck to justify my tears over having to do a forward roll in class. I was sent to the nurse’s office where I was given a Tums and some ice and dismissed. (Our school nurse would give you Tums first thing, no matter what you came in with.) If I wimp out in the real world no one will even give me inappropriate medications; I’ll just have to face my shame alone.

In other news, I watched I Know What You Did Last Summer and Scream 2 and became infatuated with Sarah Michelle Gellar’s mouth, so I’m watching Buffy whenever I have something I should be doing. There is something about the way it moves when she’s upset and talking, and the way she purses her lips together when she’s determined, that captivates me. Also, I’m also ready to move to Toronto because I think I could be legitimate BFFs with this guy named Juan from the MTV Canada show 1 Girl 5 Gays, something I wasn’t interested in because I thought it would be five gay men giving a woman fashion advice or something horrible like that, but I was happy to learn that it’s a talk show where one woman asks five gay men 20 questions, prompting discussion. I’m #blessed by this show because of cast members like Juan. Although he’s not the smartest on the show (Dean) or the funniest (JP), Juan has major charisma. And I know we would have at least one subject to talk about because he cried when he met Sarah Jessica Parker. He also owns 36 Barbra Streisand records, and although I don’t know much about Streisand, that part in Funny Girl where Fanny meets Nick Arnstein and sings his name holds a special place in my heart. Juan could show me more Streisand moments before we discuss the complexity of Sex and the City and then who knows what else?!!! ♦