Dear Diary

June 19, 2013

Where do we go from here?

Naomi

I am beginning to learn that love—romantic or platonic—is accepting someone’s imperfections, because you are not “perfect” either. Affection does not follow perfection, or at least not some airbrushed idea of what another human being should be.

I used to believe that if someone did something that offended your sensibilities, your love for them would be sullied somehow. Learning about someone’s so-called imperfections kills their mystique, and mystique is an important part of that elusive thing called “cool.” “Cool” people have a tightly controlled self-presentation that makes it seem as though nothing touches them. When you learn more about them, they don’t seem so cool anymore. It is the same way with fictional people and famous people (who may as well be fictional people, because that is what they are in our imaginations)—which is why it is so easy to develop crushes on film characters and musicians and other distant people you will probably never speak to. The vision of them in your head isn’t marred by those qualities that make them fallible. You don’t know if they make grammatical mistakes or have strange taste in wallpaper. And they never look you right in the eye. Having real-life relationships with people can be hard, because they are deeper than an image on a screen.

I had always assumed that I had to be faultless in order to be loved. My faults include snorting involuntarily, watching embarrassing daytime TV, spending too much time on the internet, and having a period of my life when leaving the house felt impossible. I thought these unflattering idiosyncrasies had to be hidden, that they constituted a blight on my person. I would worry about them being known because it was like a slip in my masquerade, an unflattering angle on the image of myself that I so much want to have control over. I wanted to be someone infallible, impenetrable like a fortress. Ideally someone hard to know, so that I had to remain accountable to only myself. I have had to learn, to accept, and to remind myself frequently that it is all right to loosen my control over my image, and that doing so is necessary in order to form real connections with other human beings.

Having feelings for someone real can be scary, because you are not sure how deep or wide or long or high they will reach. They seem potentially limitless. When you look someone right in the eye, you don’t know how long it will be until you can look away. The eyes are said to be the windows to the soul, and now I have a new understanding of why: If he looks into my eyes for long enough, which he does, it is impossible for me to hide anything. But he already he told me I don’t have to. It was when we were waiting for a taxi. We were standing about 20 metres from the club; I can’t remember if we could hear the muffled thumps of the music inside. He managed to make this scene feel cosy, like some parts of each of us were cuddled up somewhere by the glow of a log-lit fire. We were standing by a wall overlooking a small part of a canal. There were tiny slugs sticking to the damp stone walls of the cold, flat buildings, and we followed their trail and counted all 30 of them with a strange childlike glee. It has gotten to the point now where I lose count of all the things I like about him. ♦

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19 Comments

  • Sophie ❤ June 19th, 2013 7:07 PM

    Naomi, Ruby, and Briteny: I so feel you guys (also Katherine)! It is amazing how you basically read the minds of Rookie readers ( even though the “send in your stuff” probably has a lot to do with it). Anyways, great job- these we’re really fun to read!

    ➡➡ http://plainlysophie.com

    ❤❤❤❤❤❤

  • EmilyJn June 19th, 2013 7:30 PM

    College is generally British for the last two years of school (also known as sixth form college) and not ‘high school’. Secondary school (ages 11 to 18) would be a close translation to high school I suppose, although in America that would include middle school. Sorry to be so pedantic! The terms used differ from school to school here so it’s difficult. Some places even use the american ‘high school’ wording’

    Anyway, I thought finishing sixth form would be a huge relief too and I would get to do all these fun things and relax but then I got a sucky summer job cleaning dishes for 8 hours a day for minimum wage. :c

  • MaddsBeMe June 19th, 2013 7:48 PM

    Awww Naomi!!! I’m so happy for you.

    Katherines diary this week is perfect, ” McFlurries are the only truth in the world” is now my life motto, plus 1 girl 5 gays is the best show ever, juan and dean and everyone and all the drama!! Uggh I cannot deal or explain my love for that show

  • Tiger June 19th, 2013 7:58 PM

    Britney, did prom happen arleady? how was it?

    • Britney June 19th, 2013 8:14 PM

      It’s tomorrow! I’ll tell you guys how it goes in the next entry!

  • pubertyblues June 19th, 2013 8:11 PM

    this was beautifully written, and very, very true. wish you and your boy the best of luck

    http://pvbertyblues.tumblr.com

  • Unicorn Heels June 19th, 2013 8:11 PM

    I hate talking about weight because of HOW PEOPLE TREAT IT.

    For sailing weight is a big topic because it’s makes a difference in the game (No weight is beneficial, just different to sail). And it could be a healthy, regular topic. However, if you say you’re light for your boat, people always are like AWW YOU’RE SO LUCKY. No, it just means they have to work harder. If it were discussed in a better way, people could actually work on how it effects sailing. It’s actually pretty cool on a psychical level.

    I wish people could talk about weight with more sense.

    Also, I loved all of them. As always.

    <3 Unicorn

    http://bluejadepress.blogspot.com

  • Conana June 19th, 2013 8:15 PM

    Katherine’s diary is so funny!! “McFlurries are the only truth in the world” I think I’ll make a tee with that quote hahaha (no, srsly).

    And I loved in Ruby’s diary when she talks about Sam!! I wish I felt that way about someone…

    http://chasconaa.wordpress.com/

  • Kourtney June 19th, 2013 8:18 PM

    Katherine, I love you LOL. I believe McFlurries are the only truth too. And I LOOOVE 1 girl 5 gays omg Dean and David and Ish are so perfectt I love that show!

    As I was reading Ruby’s diary, I noticed the background pic on the site, was the inside of a tent. I was pleased by the coincidence.

    I love rookie

  • Penny Dreadful June 19th, 2013 8:26 PM

    Just thought I’d pop by and say that, not only are all of these entries fantastic, but Ruby: yours resonated the most with me because it puts in to words what I can’t about my best friend. It’s really a beautiful entry (as well as them all!).

  • Eryn June 19th, 2013 8:41 PM

    Naomi, your entry was so beautiful! Caitlin, I adore your illustration as always. Britney, Ruby and Katherine, I love you all! <3

    http://fashionfledge.blogspot.ca/

  • Rebdomine June 19th, 2013 11:40 PM

    Ruby, I did Relay for Life as well! But ours happened in April lol.

  • 3LL3NH June 20th, 2013 12:25 AM

    Naomi, your last paragraph filled my head and made me almost cry. Your mind so often perfectly expresses my loves and hopes and fears.

    Naomi and Ruby, I’m in a world between your two, and you make it feel so dreamlike, like the best there could be.

    I guess I’m saying thank you.

  • Madness June 20th, 2013 12:40 AM

    Naomi,

    “Where the myth fails, human love begins. Then we love a human being, not a dream, a human being with flaws.”

    Only when we are vulnerable and transparent, can we begin to truly love.

  • June 20th, 2013 7:28 AM

    This is amazing guys!

  • Chloe22 June 20th, 2013 10:15 AM

    Here’s to hoping Liam Payne (my future husband, duh) doesn’t like weird wall paper.
    http://rhinestonemoon.blogspot.com/

  • loonylizzy June 22nd, 2013 10:04 PM

    totally relating to naomi right now :)

    http://www.theflightoftheflamingo.blogspot.com

  • barbroxursox June 23rd, 2013 4:28 PM

    I love the illustration! ^__^

  • midnightcall June 23rd, 2013 5:37 PM

    Ruby’s entries are consistently my favorite! She writes so beautifully and in the moment.