Dear Diary

June 12, 2013

Stress, love, and disco.

Britney

On the train this past Friday, a disheveled man who looked like he hadn’t slept indoors in a while turned to me and said, “It is my job to find the one that I love.” Then he continued his rant about how many push-ups and pull-ups he does daily, using the metal poles to demonstrate. I mustered a polite smile, which is one of New York’s many subway etiquette rules (right next to “don’t squeeze into seats that look like they’ll be tight fits” and “if you see something, say something”). But it was hard to smile, because his words struck a nerve with me.

I have made it my mission to be loved, and it is slowly tearing me apart. Yes, my mother and family love me, and so do the friends that I constantly count on. But I want the type of love that does not fit into any boxes, not strictly romantic, platonic, or familial. It is warm, and thinking about it makes me imagine running through the woods without ever having to stop, free and with few worries. It is the type of love that would hold you back from doing anything horrible.

My elementary school teachers used to teach us to take a moment while we were reading a novel to reflect on the story, but now I do this with my life. I ask myself, Am I happy? At first, I answer, Yeah, of course. I just hung out with so-and-so. But a few moments will pass, and I realize how temporary that joy is, that I am lying to myself about my own emotions.

I don’t want to feel as if my life will only be validated if I have that kind of unconditional love from someone else. I want to be able to wade through this seemingly endless river of confusion without holding someone’s hand. ♦

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33 Comments

  • KatGirl June 12th, 2013 7:15 PM

    I am always doing the same thing as Britney…. I keep on thinking about how everything becomes a memory. On any holiday, Friday, etc. I just can’t believe it’s really happening.

    • decemberflower June 12th, 2013 8:06 PM

      That’s so true. Whenever something exciting comes along, I realize that the actual moment of living it doesn’t feel much different from any other moment. And then I think about everything else I’m looking forward to… and how those things are just going to be more moments that all feel the same. And LIFE IS JUST A LONG SERIES OF MOMENTS. Idk.

  • eremiomania June 12th, 2013 7:16 PM

    Caitlin, your diary is so accurate at the moment ag thank you.

  • Aurora June 12th, 2013 8:09 PM

    Ruby, I totally feel you on that assignment thing. Tip: do all the assignments in one class to get to the bare minimum grade you want. Repeat for each class, and then do the other assignments to bring your grade up even more.

  • thelilacparadox June 12th, 2013 8:10 PM

    Ruby, you can do this.

  • kolumbia June 12th, 2013 8:56 PM

    Britney, your entry really hits home this week. Since summer started, I haven’t really hung out with anyone that much, and I’m just so lonely, and I feel like I’m drifting around with no one to connect me to anything.

    Also, I am organizing a way for Rookie readers to be pen pals with each other, so I’ll just leave this link here with all the details.
    http://kittydrawscomics.tumblr.com/post/52725396412/rookie-pen-pals-round-2

    • decemberflower June 12th, 2013 10:47 PM

      THIS IS A GENIUS IDEA

      • The_Idler_Wheel June 13th, 2013 1:45 AM

        I am so doing the Rookie Pen Pal thing!!! Everyone DO IT and we can all DO IT together and tell everyone we’re DOING IT TOGETHER…what am I saying I’m so tired.

        But still!!!

  • whoknows June 12th, 2013 8:58 PM

    omg, ruby. literally the exact spot i was in last year, wish i could help. hang in there. ♥

  • alexisapunk June 12th, 2013 9:05 PM

    I relate to all of these posts so much i’ts crazy it makes me feel so good that I’m not the only one.

  • Britney June 12th, 2013 9:11 PM

    Good luck, Ruby! You can do this.

    • Ruby B. June 12th, 2013 11:01 PM

      Thanks Britney (and everyone)! :)

  • Kourtney June 12th, 2013 9:12 PM

    I am rooting for you Ruby. You can do it!!

    Britney, I relate almost entirely to all of your entries. It makes me happy that someone else understands what I feel and also a little sad that you might be experiencing the sadness/confusion I do on a daily basis.

  • j-bird June 12th, 2013 9:32 PM

    Katherine! I am a Smithie (alum) and I hope you love it there as much as I did! Please enjoy brunch and tea and Julia Child Day for me, and visit Herrell’s as much as you can!

  • Taylor WM June 12th, 2013 9:43 PM

    I love the immediate sense of realness you get when you read Ruby’s diary entries, knowing what she’s writing about, and then where, and why… it’s really unique :)

  • Ariella95 June 13th, 2013 1:58 AM

    Katherine! I’m so happy for you! I’ve identified with you throughout your whole transfer process because it sounds a lot like my college search process, right up until the very end (I’ve decided to go here! Wait no I changed my mind!) Of course, I’ll be a freshman, and I’m still not entirely sure I made the right decision, but I’ve learned that, cliche as it sounds, having a positive attitude really does help.

  • Tara A. June 13th, 2013 2:11 AM

    Good luck Ruby! I can relate with you completely, because a while back, I was in a pretty similar situation. You can do this! (:

    http://www.unlockingpandorasbox.blogspot.com

  • Chloe22 June 13th, 2013 10:05 AM

    Probably the worst part about the end of the year is that the weather is great, some kids are already out of school, but your still stuck studying away. And if your homeschooled like me, you have construction going on next door!
    http://rhinestonemoon.blogspot.com/

  • Bas Raad June 13th, 2013 10:15 AM

    Oh Katherine, I like you more each week :)

  • Rylls June 13th, 2013 10:51 AM

    Ruby, I am literally in the same exact situation as you. I am sitting in an abandoned office in the guidance department, crying, wondering how I got myself into this mess. I LITERALLY HAVE 10 MISSING BIO ASSIGNMENTS AND I’M TOO AFRAID TO CHECK MY GRADES ONLINE AND YOU ARE DESCRIBING MY LIFE. You’re psychic.

    Oh god, I can’t fail my classes. Somehow, we will get through this together.

    • Anaheed June 13th, 2013 11:24 AM

      RYLIS & RUBY YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO READ ROOKIE UNTIL YOU ARE DONE WITH YOUR HOMEWORK. You can do this, you guys. Turn off the internet though. xoxo

  • kathryn-s June 13th, 2013 5:43 PM

    Good luck, Ruby! Just push through it, even though it will suck for awhile, and give yourself a big reward when you’re all done.

  • Pippi L. June 13th, 2013 8:52 PM

    One of the things I love most about Rookie is that whatever you guys choose to talk about, serious topics or not, it always rings true. You post very personal things. You choose to have stories about things that don’t wrap up nice all the time. I love your journal entries because often the main gist is, “I am sad,” or something of the like. They don’t have a false sense of hope imposed on them. Somehow, that makes me feel hopeful while reading them. Because I know that other people sometimes feel sad, and not hopeful. I know that you guys too can feel lost. Knowing that other people are sad or hurting and yet okay enough to write about it and share it with others is so amazing. Knowing that you’re all right with not being all right inspires me. So, thank you.

  • katie.s95 June 13th, 2013 9:09 PM

    Katherine, I’ve loooved reading your blog! Congrats on choosing Smith! I’m going to another 5-College college (but not starting until 2014 because of a gap year). Maybe other readers also live in the Pioneer valley area? We should totally organize a Rookie meetup/event !

  • chareth cutestory June 14th, 2013 8:24 AM

    katherine — ahhh! congrats! amaaaazing choice. seriously. the best choice. go to woodstar for delicious drinks and haymarket cafe for delicious (and cheap) sandwiches all the time. I’ll see you there, probably!

    ruby — last year, I had to finish a ton of work in a really small amount of time, and the stakes felt HUGE. the anxiety I grapple with made my assignments seemingly impossible to complete, not to mention the pressure I put on myself to do it all well. BUT THEN I came to three conclusions: 1. the short amount of time I had to complete the work would totally suck no matter what 2. I could only complete one thing at a time and 3. there wasn’t time for me to think about how well I was doing the assignments, just to get them finished. once I accepted these three things, I started to feel more capable of doing the work… and I actually got it all done. you can do it!

  • Katzemuse June 14th, 2013 6:20 PM

    Ruby! I take Mandarin too. I hope everything turned out alright with the assignments, I was in that exact state of mind last year. Remember to reward yourself after you’re done! You worked hard and you deserve a rest :) good luck

  • Lady Celia June 14th, 2013 8:29 PM

    Katherine, I totally agree that the college process is completely over-dramatized. I ended up applying early decision to try to avoid being torn between two places, which was a big decision in itself. I am also going to Smith next year!

  • irismonster June 15th, 2013 2:32 PM

    Ruby–

    Your post really struck a chord with me. It’s never gotten that bad, but I tend to get myself in that kind of situation and I totally sympathize. I’ve been in the way-too-many-weeks-long, when-does-it-end-I-have-to-get-to-work-I-have-to-finish-this-that-and-the-other-thing-mindset–and the only thing that works for me is thinking of the time when it will all be behind me and all that I’ll have to do is relax. Then, whenever I get to that point all I want is things to do. It’s a scary, awful cycle but I love it.

  • EmmaS June 16th, 2013 8:53 PM

    RUBY, you are amazing!

  • Rhiannon June 17th, 2013 11:47 AM

    Katherine – ohmygod I did literally the same thing. I’m so happy someone else felt that way about choosing a college as I had my top two like everyone else but it seemed like I was the only one who hadn’t picked one as my top choice.

    I actually left it less than a week before the deadline and about one hour before I chose, I was set on Bristol. (I live in the UK)

    Then I just thought to look at the courses again and my mind went into lightning mode and I chose the OTHER college.

    weird

  • ChloeC June 17th, 2013 1:40 PM

    Ruby-
    Two weeks ago, I was flooded with finals, regents, papers, and all the other school assignments that makes me ponder the consequences of becoming a high school dropout. After the final regent, I knew that I had not done my best. I had only worked hard enough to pass. And, this world you’ve entered, of pencils and pens, and high expectations and lost standards, can be so terribly aggravating, I felt like it would be the death of me. All I want to say is, you can turn in the papers and complete that awful algebra exam, or whatever assignment you are dreading to complete, and time will go on, and you will make it through this hell. If you knew this already, well, you go girl.

  • Yelena June 30th, 2013 10:47 AM

    Naomi, I dont know if it’s because we’re both british, but your diary entries really speak to me.