MARISSA, JON, and BRADLEY,* all 18
GABBY How do you guys know each other?
MARISSA We’re all freshmen at NYU.
AMY ROSE We’ve been playing a game with people where two of you answer questions about the other person—like trying to guess stuff about them. Do you guys want to guess about Marissa?
MARISSA I’m so excited.
BRADLEY We’re gonna be so bad at this.
AMY ROSE You guys are gonna be awesome, I can already tell.
AMY ROSE First of all: Who is Marissa’s celebrity crush?
MARISSA We were doing this during the game earlier.
AMY ROSE You guys were already playing a game similar to this?
BRADLEY It was kinda like this.
MARISSA No, well…we were just…we picked celebrities.
AMY ROSE Just picked celebrities? To do what?
MARISSA It was more specific, but it’s weird.
BRADLEY It was…do you want me to tell you?
AMY ROSE Yeah, I wanna know!
BRADLEY OK, we were playing porn Mad Libs.
AMY ROSE OK…
BRADLEY You take two celebrities and say who would make the better porn.
MARISSA It’s a drinking game.
AMY ROSE OK so wait. Marissa’s celebrity crush.
BRADLEY I said Jason Bateman.
AMY ROSE That’s a weird one, man.
BRADLEY Who the fuck did she pick?
JON Ummm…shit, I don’t remember.
BRADLEY This is terrible…
MARISSA Who was I singing to earlier?
JON Oh. Justin Bieber.
MARISSA WRONG JUSTIN.
JON I give you 50,000 points.
Bradley: 50,000 | Jon: 0
AMY ROSE What is Marissa’s grossest habit?
BRADLEY She’s obsessed with her butt.
JON No, she’s obsessed with Diet Coke. It’s disgusting. She doesn’t drink water, she just drinks Diet Coke. Like, her blood is like 50 percent Diet Coke.
AMY ROSE Is that what you would say is the grossest thing about you?
Bradley: 50,000 | Jon: 1
AMY ROSE You’re not gross at all, then.
BRADLEY And that she picks her butt. That’s her worst habit.
MARISSA No! He’s lying.
AMY ROSE What is Marissa most known for?
JON For falling on the pizza.
GABBY What? Explain.
BRADLEY Way back in September, we got a bit, um, inebriated, and we decided to go to Times Square. And as we’re walking across the block, Marissa steps on a pizza, wipes out, and fractures her elbow.
GABBY Oh my god!
MARISSA Correction: I was drunk and I decided it would be a good idea to jump on it.
AMY ROSE Was it a full pie or a slice?
MARISSA It was a full slice that somebody had dropped on the ground, and I was like, Oh, that’s interesting! And so I jumped on it.
AMY ROSE Oh my god. So you fell on a pizza.
MARISSA I fell on a pizza.
Bradley: 50,000 | Jon: 2
BRADLEY Actually, that night gets brought up a lot, because later on we met Snoop Dogg.
AMY ROSE Tell us everything. And also it’s Snoop Lion, hello!
JON At the time it was Snoop Dogg.
MARISSA It was a group of probably like eight of us, and we were—
BRADLEY Smoking hookah in Times Square. And then me and her wanted to get breakfast foods.
MARISSA We were hoping for something like IHOP in Times Square. So then we went to like where Junior’s is on 44th, and we were asking them, like, where we could find food, because they were just closing. And then the waiter was like pointing us somewhere, and then Snoop Dogg is literally just like walking down the street.
AMY ROSE Whoa.
MARISSA We were like so drunk, so we were just like, What is happening?
BRADLEY It was crazy. We like shook his hand.
MARISSA I was like, “I’m a big fan.”
JON And he was like, “Yo, I’m a huge fan of you, too.”
AMY ROSE What is the biggest crime Marissa has ever committed?
BRADLEY Smoking too much marijuana.
JON Smoking marijuana.
MARISSA Yeah. Or owning a fake ID.
Bradley: 50,001 | Jon: 3
AMY ROSE What would Marissa’s desert-island album be?
JON Mumford and Sons.
JON Mumford and Sons!
BRADLEY I don’t know…oh, probably Justin Timberlake, because you like him when he sings.
MARISSA This is, like, deep internal turmoil.
BRADLEY Would it be something Broadway?
MARISSA No. Maybe Mumford? Maybe Mumford. That’d be like a chill thing to listen to on a deserted island.
Bradley: 50,001 | Jon: 4 | Marissa: -1 for forcefully shooting down the correct answer twice when it was offered to her
AMY ROSE When was the last time that Marissa threw up?
BRADLEY [To Marissa] I’ve never seen you throw up.
JON I threw up today!
AMY ROSE You threw up today?
JON I am too stoned.
AMY ROSE It looks like you guys are getting ready to go, so I’ll do one more: What is Marissa’s greatest life ambition?
BRADLEY To win an Ocar.
JON To win an Oscar.
AMY ROSE Is that it, Marissa?
Bradley: 50,002 | Jon: 5 | Marissa: -1
AMY ROSE Awesome.
BRADLEY Get it on!
AMY ROSE Thank you so much, you guys. Are you meeting more people after this?
BRADLEY [Suddenly perks up] Do you want to?!
JON [Excited] Yeah! Let’s go smoke with Steven!
AMY ROSE Oh my god, did I just rally you guys?
BRADLEY [Increasingly animated] My phone’s dead, so let’s go home, charge it, smoke a bowl, call Steven, smoke more. This is great.
Winners: Your guess is as good as ours. ♦
* These names have been changed to protect people from various figures of authority.