April 20/21
About 3 AM

Sam (left) and Ray

Sam (left) and Ray

AMY ROSE Where are you guys coming from?

SAM Do you know where the Boiler Room is?


SAM It’s a gay club in the East Village.

RAY I know the bartender, and he gives us free drinks. So there’s this guy there who kinda…um, what do you want to describe him as?

SAM I would describe him as a hustler.

RAY Let’s just call him John—he kinda led me on.

RAY John led us both on.

LOLA Oh my god.

SAM Yeah, he let us both believe he was attracted to us.

RAY And then he starts making out with another club guy. Let’s call him Joseph, OK? Joseph is the birthday boy at a club on 42nd Street.

AMY ROSE Wait, do you know Joseph?

RAY No, but we have a friend that knows Joseph. Let’s say…Jamie knows Joseph.

LOLA I’m following, actually. We’re doin’ good.

RAY So Joseph and John like…

SAM Hit it off. HARDCORE. So we’re buying drinks for John while he’s totally getting it on with Jamie.

AMY ROSE & LOLA Oh my goddd…

RAY So I kinda got pissed and got ice cubes and threw them down John’s back.

AMY ROSE You didn’t come to play.

RAY Nahhh.

SAM So John threw ice cubes down my shirt and said, “You can thank your friend for this one.”

RAY And then do you know what John did? John threw vodka at my eyes.

LOLA Oh my god!

RAY I was like, “Fuck you!” He tried to apologize, and I was like, “You led me on.” He goes, “We were just good friends.” What kind of friends cuddle each other while watching Downton Abbey? I’m sorry. That’s, like, it.

LOLA Yeah. No, that’s real. At what moment did you guys realize that he was leading you both on?

RAY Um, well we both talked.

SAM And literally he was doing the same exact things to both of us.

RAY Yeah, like, we’re frat—he’s one of the pledges and I’m one of the brothers—so we talked. So…what do you want us to do?

AMY ROSE We want to play a game with you guys. Have you ever heard of the Newlywed Game?

RAY Yes! Oh my god, is that the Ellen show game?

LOLA Yes, it’s like that. You got it.

SAM Oh my god, I love Ellen.

Question 1

AMY ROSE What do you think Sam spends most of his time thinking about? Sam, keep your answer quiet but think of something.

SAM Probably where I’m gonna be in 10 years.

RAY I said musicals.
Sam: 0 | Ray: 0


AMY ROSE Are musicals where you’re going to be in 10 years?

RAY If I had the voice for it. He’s the actor.

SAM I’m an acting major at NYU.

AMY ROSE [To Sam] What’s your major?

RAY I’m a communications major. I really want to go into advertising. Public relations and advertising.

AMY ROSE Do you kind of want to be like a Mad Men kinda guy?

RAY YES! I love that show!

AMY ROSE You just want to wear a suit everywhere.

RAY No I don’t! I just want to impress clients with, like, “This is my pitch. You like it or you don’t like it. Take it or leave it.”

[A fight breaks out in the restaurant.]

RAY IHOP has like the most drama every night. It’s like my favorite.

AMY ROSE Oh my god, there are like five different fights going on right now.

RAY Good for them.

Question 2

LOLA Ray, I want to think of when you first met Sam. What did you think of him?

RAY [To Sam] You want to say it first? You say it first.

WHAT SAM WROTE Slutty but kind of sweet.

RAY Yes, slutty! Exactly!
Sam: 1 | Ray: 0

AMY ROSE That’s a good first impression.

RAY Oh my god, “slutty.” You got that one correct! This is such a good game! I’m like in love with it.

RAY Are those your pancakes?

SAM Help yourself.

RAY Fuck you.


Question 3

AMY ROSE What cartoon character would you say Sam is most like?

SAM Bubbles the Powerpuff Girl.

RAY I went with Spongebob. Bubbles is my favorite character, but I don’t think you suit the Bubbles world.
Sam: 1 | Ray: 0

SAM You think I’m more of a Buttercup?


SAM I’m not a Blossom!

RAY You’re more of a…a…a Teen Titans Starlight.

SAM Starfire.

LOLA Why do you think you’re Bubbles, Sam?

SAM I’m Bubbles because I’m like super cute and…

RAY No you’re not!

SAM …and wide-eyed and hopeful…

RAY No you’re not!

SAM I’m super wide-eyed and hopeful but I’m also a Buttercup like when bitches ain’t got their shit together and I’m like, “You ain’t got your shit together.”

LOLA You do not tolerate the basic.

SAM I don’t tolerate the basic. You need to have your shit in line.

Question 4

AMY ROSE Who is Ray’s greatest role model, living or dead?

RAY Beyoncé.

SAM It is not Beyoncé. It’s Tina Fey.
Sam: 1 | Ray: 0

RAY Nope!

SAM Dammit!

AMY ROSE Why Beyoncé?

RAY Because Beyoncé has this presence in the world. Like, I find Beyoncé attractive shaking her booty at the Super Bowl. [Laughter]

AMY ROSE It looks like you guys are getting ready to pay your check—

SAM You know what? We didn’t get a single answer correct.

RAY No, we got one. I got you a point for “slutty.”

SAM Oh yeah! Thanks, Ray.

Winner: Sam