March 29/30
2:17 AM
Seong (20) and Toni (19)
Toni (left) and Seong.
ANAHEED Where were you guys before this?
TONI We saw Spring Breakers.
ANAHEED How was it?
SEONG It’s so pretentious.
ANAHEED You didn’t like it?
TONI No, I loved it. I thought it was hilarious. It was good.
ANAHEED Why did you want to see it?
SEONG I really wanted to see James Franco fellating a gun, and she really wanted to see girls in bikinis. Which is funny, because I’m bi and she’s straight. [Notices tape recorder] Is this being recorded?
ANAHEED Yeah.
SEONG [Laughs] Oh god. It’s OK, my reputation is already pretty ruined.
ANAHEED Why, what did you do?
TONI She just exists.
SEONG I exist.
ANAHEED Are you just like a walking scandal?
SEONG OK, can this be off the record?
ANAHEED Yes.
[Seong tells us something truly scandalous.]
GABBT AND ANAHEED Whoaaaa.
ANAHEED We will keep that off the record, but I gotta say, I’m very impressed.
Question 1
ANAHEED Seong, what is Toni’s worst vice?
TONI Maybe smoking occasionally?
WHAT SEONG WROTE Too many feels for fictional people.
Toni: 0 | Seong: 0
GABBY What fictional people?
TONI Oh, like everything. I watch way too much TV, and read too many things. Lately it’s everyone in Les Miz.
GABBY What’s Seong’s biggest vice?
TONI Umm…how’m I supposed to word this?
ANAHEED It’s so bad you can’t even say it?
GABBY What is it?
TONI She has an evil vagina. She destroys the people she sleeps with.
SEONG Sexually. In a good way.
ANAHEED What happens to them?
TONI They’re just ruined.
GABBY What does that mean? Like they can’t go on to anyone else?
TONI Yeah.
ANAHEED What do you do to them?
TONI She’s just amazing.
SEONG Aww, Toni!! Thanks.
ANAHEED I don’t think that’s a vice. I think that’s a superpower.
Question 2
GABBY What does Seong spend most of her time thinking about?
[Seong and Toni break out into GALES of laughter.]
ANAHEED I didn’t think that was gonna be the most explosive question.
SEONG You better get this right!
GABBY What’s the real answer?
SEONG’S The one true D.
WHAT TONI WROTE The one true D
Toni: 1 | Seong: 0
GABBY What is the one true D?
TONI Um…it’s this dude who lives on my floor.
SEONG I’m on a mission to have sex with him.
ANAHEED Why is he called the one true D?
TONI Because we were sitting around one day and she was like, “I really want the D.” And I was like, “I’ll find you a D, Seong.” And she goes, “No, I don’t want a D…”
SEONG “I want the D.”
TONI It was like…have you seen Lord of the Rings?
ANAHEED Yeah.
TONI It’s a Lord of the Rings joke, on “the one true ring.” I feel like most of our conversations start like “Have you seen this?” Sorry!
SEONG And everything’s gonna be about sex eventually.
Question 3
ANAHEED Seong, what is the thing about Toni that you’re most envious of?
TONI’S GUESS I’d say my dresses.
WHAT SEONG WROTE Effortless adorability
Toni: 1 | Seong: 0
TONI I was gonna say adorability! Goddammit!
SEONG You’re a failure! You’re such a failure. You’re a failure.
ANAHEED [To Toni] She had to neg you right after she said you were adorable.
Question 4
GABBY Seong, what did you think of Toni when you first met?
SEONG I don’t know: “What the fuck is this.”
TONI I said “cute”—you’re a jerk.
Toni: 1 | Seong: 0
SEONG “Who the fuck is this cutie?” You’re adorable, though. You’re an adorable human being.
Question 5
ANAHEED Seong, what do you do that most annoys Toni?
SEONG I never annoy Toni. We’re like a perfect old married couple.
ANAHEED OK, what do you do that most delights Toni?
TONI You listen to my feels.
SEONG Oh no, I wrote, “I tell you my sexploits in fandom language.”
Toni: 1 | Seong: 0
Winner: Toni