Dear Diary

May 8, 2013

Anti: boys, school. Pro: dancing, drag queens.


Recently my mind has quieted a bit, part of a recent trend where my mind is not continually in overdrive. I can watch the colours of life as they pass and I don’t feel so confused and disconnected. I don’t see my life as one big old mess anymore with a whole pile of problems; I can realistically register my strengths and weaknesses. It’s nice.

I still fight against some mild form of social anxiety. No one who doesn’t know me very well would guess it. I cover it up with loud rambling, and have a lot of practice in putting up a front. Those skills carry me over that first initial hump of fear, and once I’ve gotten a chance to get used to my environment, I really can enjoy myself in other people’s company. Like, a lot. But I am still afraid of going into social situations on my own. I can be alone just fine, but to be thrust into a room full of people that I don’t know, or at least don’t know very well—that is a challenge.

I overcame just that challenge this week for a college friend’s birthday gathering. It was a completely new circle of people where I wouldn’t be buffered by my close friends, so I was wary going in. By the end of the night I was happily dancing at a place I’d never been to with someone I had only been properly introduced to five minutes before.

The party had started at the pub, then we moved to the birthday friend’s house. Everyone was “chillin’,” but I really wanted to dance. Mention was made of a place down the road; I wanted to go but the others weren’t keen. Except, that is, for this one guy I kind of know from college—he wanted to go, so he and I just left together and walked through the suburbs, back to the high street towards this sort of hybrid of a pub and club. He was pretty drunk but he guided me in, up the stairs to the music—it was a relief to hear such loud music. I met a few of the guy’s friends. I danced till closing time.

I figure if I can fend for myself even in this weird world that exists only at night, when you are able to become close to people you have only just met amongst the smoke and sweat, then I am doing pretty well. I was so happy to be oddly alone and unaccountable. I felt free. I was in a place that existed outside the usual constraints of school and schedules, of sober socialising and sticking with friends on nights out. I liked these strangers. I almost felt outside space and time. I got in at 4:30 without a second thought and still wasn’t tired. ♦


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  • FreeksandTwinPeaks May 8th, 2013 7:30 PM


  • FreeksandTwinPeaks May 8th, 2013 7:36 PM

    I can relate sooooooo much like that’s why I’m so happy!!!

  • loonylizzy May 8th, 2013 7:46 PM

    so relating to these posts right now… stress, anxiety, stupid ex-boyfriends, i have it all. hopefully i’ll discover a peace of mind like naomi or start having magical epiphanies about my humanity like katherine. that way my mind can quit being a constant stream of pandemonium and discord :P

  • maddieT May 8th, 2013 7:49 PM

    BRITNEY girl i feel you romeo and juliet might be a good play but in school it’s just a nightmare on wheels.

  • Kaetlebugg May 8th, 2013 7:51 PM

    Gooo Ruby!!! ALSO to Britney: I PROMISE IT GETS BETTER! YOU DON’T HAVE EIGHT MORE YEARS OF THIS! I hated 8th grade and freshman year and I was so stressed and I was like “how on earth is this going to be my whole life???” but I promise it won’t. I’m not saying high school is going to be a picnic, but once you get to start classes you actually like (probably around 11th grade, but certainly in college) you won’t end the day drained. Instead you will end the day perhaps somewhat tired but also intellectually stimulated!! Also I promise it is totally possible to just get better equipped to handle the stress. I don’t mean to sound condescending at all because I can totally relate, but one word of advice: touch. I remember one week freshman year was the most stressful week of my life at that point and I was literally about to cry/starting to weep one day when I wordlessly hugged my friend and she hugged me back, and I immediately started to calm down. Hugs can be mighty.

  • GlitterKitty May 8th, 2013 7:59 PM

    Ugh Britney I feel you girl. End of school is soooo stressful and exams are just ewwww. I’m so stressed out with school and have so much to do (so the obvious decision was to go on Rookie).

    And Ruby’s friend Sam sounds lovely.

  • Moxx May 8th, 2013 8:03 PM

    yessss, j’aime trooooop La Cage Aux Folles!

    the film is great, too. (the original, not the american version)

  • ColoredSoft May 8th, 2013 8:06 PM

    Katherine, you’re worrying me.

  • Kourtney May 8th, 2013 8:15 PM

    Ruby, I am rooting for you. And I’m glad you have Sam! He sounds like a pretty awesome dude. Britney, I feeeel you. At the beginning of the year I told myself that I’d actually work hard this year and get good grades, and I did. We’re in May now, though, and every essay/homework assignment/test just seems unnecessary. I can’t wait until school is over.

  • Julia May 8th, 2013 9:11 PM

    i’m really happy for your newfound confidence, ruby! please keep in mind, though, that “female” and “woman” and “feminine” are not synonymous. you made the distinction between your gender and expression- femininity/masculinity- but, reminder, female refers to the sex. so femininity is not limited to women, and neither are limited to females.

    awesome discoveries, though!

  • sabrinalee May 8th, 2013 9:18 PM

    oh, Ruby. I worry about you. Your life seems to mimic my former years too closely. I recently found out my ex-fiancee has gotten his 18 year old girlfriend pregnant, which just devastated me for so many reasons. I digress.
    But I came to the conclusion: you know what you had was real. It was true. The truth can change from moment to moment, but just because it changed doesn’t mean that what you had wasn’t true.

  • Chloe22 May 8th, 2013 9:27 PM

    Ah, all the stress the end of the school year brings…;p

  • indigosunday May 8th, 2013 10:14 PM

    it’s weird for me that I know exactly what Katherine is talking about and I’ve been in that place and sometimes I think I’m slipping into it too often

  • elliecp May 9th, 2013 1:29 AM

    Ahh britney I totally get how you feel…love this post, thankyou guys <3

  • eremiomania May 9th, 2013 1:42 AM

    Ruby your article empowered me like La Cage aux Folles empowered you. I am so happy for you! I’m also completely jealous of your friend Sam, he seems really great and I’m so glad you have such a supportive friend.

  • Eileen May 9th, 2013 10:54 AM

    I loved Katherine’s! I feel like the only thing you CAN do in those peculiar states is just write about it; put it out unto the universe, that way it doesn’t feel like it’s your problem anymore.. Like it now becomes a thought floating around to all who will listen, and it becomes less of a tumor growing inside of your throat. I love that you can take a step back and observe all of that, maybe watch a Disney movie…? that usually gives me some perspective. I recommend The Little Mermaid.

  • Yayo May 9th, 2013 11:16 AM

    ”Then these weird moments started happening, these abrupt shifts in consciousness that take over my brain without warning. It happens like this: I’m doing some banal task—sitting in class, starting my car, or about to fall asleep—and then suddenly everything feels different. I become completely aware that I’m a human and of what that means. I’m aware of every part of my anatomy and can feel mortality in the front balls of my feet. The objects around me become outlined in light. This lasts about 30 seconds before I return to my former state, but with a residual hyperconsciousness that fades after about a minute”

    I have a wall in my bedroom that I write down quotes books or poems or songs that I think are just literary genius. I just added your paragraph.

    You’re up there with Wilfred Owens, Lana Del Rey, Harper Lee.

    I relate to it so much I started to cry.

  • I W May 9th, 2013 11:35 AM

    Katherine- I get those moments! I’ve never heard anyone else talk about them, but they must happen to most people, right?
    Also, that sucks about the Cheeto-dust thing, but I’m glad you’re feeling better.

  • Saana V May 9th, 2013 12:41 PM

    Britney, are we the same person? I’m so fed up with school this moment and i’m having five important tests next week and for some reason they define my future (every test we have does. ha no pressure there) soooo yeah.

  • Clara Barnes May 9th, 2013 2:38 PM

    Caitlin, why did you delete your blog? I loved it so much!

  • junebug May 9th, 2013 4:46 PM

    Ruby, I don’t understand how you can be so much younger than me but deal with/write about my emotions so much better than me. Love this one. Screw the ex–you have better things to think about.

  • jill May 9th, 2013 5:34 PM

    SAM IS BRIAN KRAKOW!!!!!!!!!!

  • Ally_O May 9th, 2013 6:22 PM

    RUBY YOU ARE SO AWESOME!! Reading the first part of your entry broke my heart because I’ve gone through the exact same thing as you and I know how much it hurts. Clearly, though, your ex-boyfriend is a major jerk, not only because he’s already hooking up with new girls but because he thought those guys calling you names were funny. I’m glad you have someone like Sam in your life, and I’m glad you’ve come to that realization about your gender!

  • abby111039 May 9th, 2013 8:34 PM

    I can relate to all of these…stress, atheism, stupid boys…I love reading these posts ’cause it reminds me that I’m not isolated on an island of problems because other people are dealing with the same stuff. So thanks. <3

  • Maude May 9th, 2013 8:35 PM

    Omg! Caitlyn, where’d your blog go? I always check after reading the diaries, and now I’m so sad.

    • Caitlin H. May 10th, 2013 3:03 PM

      Awwwww Maude, I’m hiding out on the internet for a bit, you may be able to find me.

  • retrogirl23 May 18th, 2013 11:09 PM

    I’m reading Romeo and Juliet too Britney! Are you going to watch the movie with your class?