May 29, 2013


I’ve got studying on my mind 80 percent of the time: If I’m not doing it, I am preoccupied with it. English is a closed-book exam, so I have to memorise relevant quotes from poets like William Blake and Dylan Thomas and Philip Larkin. I’m feeling increasingly distant from my other exam subjects, like history and politics, and beginning to think English is my niche, especially after seeing all the parallels between the texts we’ve studied this year and MY LIFE.

While reading Thomas Hardy’s Tess of the d’Urbervilles, I learned of a literary technique called pathetic fallacy, in which nature and the seasons are personified to reflect the main character’s emotions during certain periods of her life. For example, Tess’s hardship is conveyed by the descriptions of the lonely and desolate landscape of the grey farm where she is poorly treated.

My need to find order in chaos leads me to look for my own pathetic fallacies. In the middle of last winter I was at a miserable low after a miserable experience with a miserable boy, and I felt as dark and exhausting as the season. I was caught off guard by something I had no experience with, and it wasn’t pretty. Same with Tess—she went out into the world completely innocent of predators and their intentions, and got caught in a specific dude’s web. (Only she—spoiler—gets pregnant out of wedlock and gives birth to a baby who then dies, so in comparison I was very fortunate.)

Right now, when the trees are heaviest with pollen and the days are long and languid, everything is infinitely better. It reminds me of Hardy’s sensuous descriptions of the dairy where Tess works and where she falls in love with Angel Clare at the peak of the summer heat. There is a new guy who treats me like a goddess, as Angel did Tess, but I don’t have to walk on eggshells like her, worrying about how to tell him the story of my supposedly blemished past. I already did that on Friday, on a bench, as the sky got lighter and the full moon lower, and he didn’t say, “You were one person, now you are another,” like Angel did when Tess revealed her past on their wedding night.

I told him the basics of my whole mental-health history and the world didn’t end, and what I’ve learned is that way more people have mental-health issues than you first assume. I am not such an anomaly. I thought that as soon as someone found out, they would treat me differently, but it doesn’t work like that. There was no doom like the kind that Tess has to unfairly face when (another spoiler) Angel turns out to be a dickhead and leaves her because she had sex with another man.

All this has been a veiled attempt to study for my exams while simultaneously making my life as poetic as possible. ♦

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Caitlin Hazell

Caitlin Hazell gets easily obsessed, likes to time her music to fit situations, and enjoys looking out for the small things in life people usually miss. She doesn't mean to give people angry looks but does mean to get glitter in her eyebrows. She lives in a tiny, remote place in England and mainly blogs over here to interact with the outside world.

28 thoughts on “May 29, 2013”

  1. Britney: You seem vulnerable right now, and I kind of feel the same way. Hang in there, girl. We can get through this (hopefully).


  2. Ruby, your friends (and you, of course) must be some of the most amazing people in the world. I’m so glad you’ve found them and they’ve found you.

  3. I really liked this week’s diaries.
    Britney, stay strong… Your post was really moving.
    Also, I thought Naomi’s post was great.

  4. OH GOSH, rookie, why do I always have to live your posts so much?! I totally ADORE each entry this time, which is kind of usual for me, actually. I loved Ruby’s especially, though. Thanks, guys!

    -Sophie :)

    Drop by my blog:

  5. Katherine:

    I 100% understand your entry! I often feel the same way that you do. Hang in there!

  6. RUUUUBYYY… I wish boys would text me beautiful quotes from E. E. Cummings poems… :(

    And Katherine I totally feel you. I sometimes feel terrible for complaining… like, there are kids starving in the world and I’m whining about how I feel lonely?? But I’m trying to get myself to remember lately… just because someone has it worse doesn’t make our trials any less difficult. We have to give legitimacy to our problems, or they’ll consume us.

  7. :( Britney I feel for you. One of my favourite quotes that helps me when I’m feel like perpetual crap is from avatar. It goes like, “Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place.”

  8. Ruby: You have THE most wonderful friends!! They’re the kind of people I dream of having in my life every day. So happy for you! :)

    Britney: Hang in there! I hope you go to prom and have an amazing time. Feel better <3

    Katherine: I've dealt with something similar. I hated when people pitied me, or asked me if I was okay a million times, but I began to wonder how if my sour facial expression was more visible than I thought.

  9. love these diaries. this is honestly one of my favorite rookie features!

    ruby – your friends sound like mine! i’m so glad that you have them to help you discover the awesomeness of cuddling :)

    katherine – i love your diaries, never change them. you’re brilliant.

    britney – i can relate. panic attacks suck royally, especially when they ambush you in the middle of a public place. i’m so sorry you had to go through that. i hope you feel better soon and have tons of fun at prom!

  10. Katherine – I know what you mean about how your written persona doesn’t truly reflect who you are. I think it’s really hard to write a true reflection yourself because you will always be biased in one way or the other, either positive or negative, and I think really impressive that you realize this and are making an effort to convey your personality as truthfully as possible.

    Ruby – I adore you and am so glad that you have found somewhere that you feel truly happy and at peace. I miss your blog, but am so happy I still get the chance of looking into your head every week. Friends are the best aren’t they?

  11. KATHERINE! I wish you had been a writer for Gilmore Girls. That whole “housewife” episode would have been way better with your alternate ending. PS: Dean was the woooooooorrrrrrrrrssst

  12. Oh Ruby, I want your friends.
    But Britney, that sounds awful )-: I hope you feel better. You deserve to feel good.

  13. gosh these weeks diaries are so so good.
    Britney-I am so sorry. That is terrible that people have made you feel like that. To be honest-I relate. In tenth grade friends of mine made fun of me for liking a geeky guy and I really, really liked him.
    Ruby-your diary was so lovely. cuddling is so nice.
    Katherine-perfect diary. yes.
    (also hi other Tara!)

      1. oh yes WHY DIDN’T I DO CAITLIN’S I love Caitlin! she is always marvelous :) Caitlin all I can say is don’t be nervous! if you have clothes you want to wear WEAR THEM don’t worry about what other people think of you! your drawing is beautiful.

  14. You have amazing friends! That’s all that matters and I hope that every girl in school can have such a great group of friends or even one friend like that.


  15. Caitlin, I have the EXACT SAME PROBLEM. Seriously. And Ruby, your friends sound absolutely fantastic. <3

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